30 July 2012
It is coming up on 1 year since the birth of my son. I was bound to a bed in a prison cell of a hospital room. I tried with all my might to hold him in to give him the best chance. Then I got tired. I couldn't do it anymore. I told myself to go to sleep and it will be a new day and we'll get through it. Little did I know I was going to be going into labor the next morning and there wasn't enough drugs to stop it. I was having my child just a couple weeks older than viability. Shit got real when they cleaned out the room and had a nicu bed out side my door. I was scared for my son. I knew I couldn't stop it and I knew there was nothing that could be done. I failed at being his mom so far and he would be in God's hands.
I think I was pretty ignorant of how things were going to be. Nobody every prepared me to see my child's heartbeat slow to almost nothing. Nobody ever prepared me to be holding my child with him fine one second and limp and blue the next second. Several times. No parent should ever feel their baby die like that. I worried about the brain damage that all these spells had. I worried about his breathing because he wasn't that great with it.
Eventually I fell into a routine of working and spending time at the nicu. Those nurses became my family and my little chicken wing was turning into a drumstick. I had had enough. I couldn't stand that I couldn't snuggle with my child while having other people around or be able to get up and grab a snack while I held him. I felt like a fish in a fishbowl. Don't get me wrong the nurses and staff were so wonderful there but I didn't have alone time with him. After 107 days of an emotional extreme rollercoaster we took our little man home. He was almost 10 pounds and looked like the oddball in the nicu. He came home on a monitor and life went nuts.
I couldn't sleep. I had troubles pumping. I didn't know what to do. He wouldn't sleep without being held. I was too scared to nap while holding him. Worrying about him stopping breathing was always there. I only had 2 weeks before I had to go back to work. I was exhausted and only wanted to get home to see him and let the hubby have a break.
Things did get better. We ditched the monitor and we were in seclusion for the winter. Then this little monster called reflux showed up and over rode the meds. This was hell on earth. He wouldn't eat and when he did he vomited. Screaming and fighting. We eventually had it under control for just a short while and then it kicked in again. Our little man grew in length and not weight. Long and skinny. The poor boy was starving and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Finally we had a couple of different doctors help us and he's finally gaining weight.
I also can't forget about the helmet. I hate the helmet. It took him how long to kick his cpap hat when he was born and now we have this plastic thing strapped to his head. He ended up with a massive flat spot on his head because his neck muscles were way too tight on one side. The helmet lets the head grow into the flat spot area and restrict growth on the parts that stick out. We missed the optimum time to do the helmet cause the doctor was an asshat and then medicaid sat on their ass. We are still with the helmet. I don't know how long but it won't be soon enough.
That's the short story of the last year. I wanted to write because I'm looking back at when all happened in the last year. I don't know how I did it. I don't think I've processed the emotions completely and I'm having flash backs and I'm freaking out. I can't believe my active turkey was that helpless sick bean. I blame myself. I look back and see how things may have different if I reported this or pushed for that. I can't imagine life without him now.
11 February 2012
On a brighter note, he's going to bed earlier now. I can actually put him to bed myself now and he'll actually sleep. I never thought I'd see the day! Now I'm not so afraid of spending the night without hubby! Yes. That did sound horrible. I was scared to try and put my own son to bed. The moons had to align right and you had to do a little dance before and I never seemed to have the touch that hubby had. Mom failure #2056. I swear I suck at this stuff because I'm not home all day with him. I know someone has to work and that it's ok but I feel like a mom failure when I don't feel confident in doing simple tasks.
As if a feisty infant wasn't enough to deal with, let's add in my mother.
She went in the middle of January to have a cancerous liver tumor removed. I'm thinking she would have lived longer just leaving it in there now. Every since then she's been out of the hospital for less than a week. She's developed recurring fluid in her abdomen that is infected and needs to be tapped. Her breathing gets affected by this. She also has had kidney issues with this. The worst part is her mental status has declined horribly. She's so confused and is not with it. Some days she has no clue who any of us are. She forgets who her grandkids are. She forgets where she is. It's like I lost my mother in the drop of a hat.
I'm very close to my mom. We talk everyday, if not several times a day. I feel a painful emptiness that I can't call her and share life and problems and joys. She took great joy in her grandbabies. She wanted to know everything going on and loved to visit. Now it's like she's gone. Her body is still living 2 hours away in a hospital room but it's not my mother there. She finally had a glimmer of lucidity on Thursday morning but it's all gone again. I miss her. I don't know if I will ever get her back. I've dreaded this moment my whole life and here it is when I need her.
24 December 2011
I hate family gatherings. I'm not extremely close with the extended family on either side of the family. I hate trying to make small talk with them. I hate large groups of people. I try and figure out down to the minute how soon I can leave after arriving so as not to look like an ass but not stay any longer than I have to.
This year I'm blessed to have by baby boy. He's in quarantine so we have a legitimate excuse not to go to these functions. I'm elated! I know all the family isn't pleased that they don't get to see him but they understand. The extent of family that we will see is hubby's grandma and parents. We're supposed to have the immediate family Christmas on the hubby's side next Saturday. That's if everyone is well. There's 4 kids under the age of 8 so you do the math on how likely that is. Hell, I'm even banning my parents from coming over this weekend because my dad has a cold.
I am fearful for my house though. The shack is pretty packed right now with kid stuff and everyone is going to be piling on more. He does need toys but I'm scared on how much is coming into this house! I should have asked hubby for a new house for Christmas. We've already discussed it but don't want to fathom the thought of trying to pack up this place for moving. We've been here 6 years now. We've got a lot of shit. I really want to go through the basement and thin the shit out. I really don't need to be keeping my little figurines that I got from the dollar store for my first apartment or the empty cell phone box from 3 phones ago. The sad part is is we have a limited amount of garbage can space and have to pay for overflow.
Wow. I really did see a squirrel. Totally lost topic.
I am proud of getting hubby gifts this year. Usually it's the week after Christmas where I see what he's gotten and we order him something on super sale from Amazon. Not this year. I'm on it! He did admit that he hasn't gotten me anything yet. Understandable since he's been stuck home or a short leash out. Oh well. Maybe I'll order myself some shit.
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and enjoys whatever they are doing :)
18 December 2011
18 November 2011
05 November 2011
Then I showed up at the hospital.
It was 45 minutes before his scheduled feed and he was wide awake and chomping on his nook. He was one hungry little boy. I figured instead of wasting the energy on his nook that we should get the bottle going. That was a wise choice. We assumed the preemie eating position and popped the bottle in his mouth. He gobble that thing. He paced himself remembering to swallow and breath when he needed to. Actually, the kid's oxygen sats didn't drop below 91 the whole feed! That has never happened! He finished his whole bottle and was still wide awake and wanted something to suck. We refilled the bottle with another half a feed and he went to town on that one. He maintained his sats and gobbled that one down without blinking an eye. With his reflux we figured better cut him off before it ended poorly. He chomped on his nook for awhile longer before crashing out asleep. Wow. Just wow. When putting him to bed he spit up big time but his oxygen sats only dropped to 76 and he brought himself right back up. Usually something like that would drop him into the 50s and he'd need some sort of stimulation to breath again. I was beaming to say the least. He had taken all of his feedings minus 1 at that point by mouth. He's never done that either. I had to know how the last feeding went. I stayed up and called in. He ate all but what he had extra at the feeding before. I call that a wash! My boy took all of his feeds by mouth for a full 24 hours!!!
Friday night I was excited to see him again. He was wide awake when I got there again and the nurse had much to report. He was sleepy during the night and didn't make much progress with eating. They turned his oxygen down some more and he was doing great. Then at noon he woke up hungry as hell and it was still a half hour before his scheduled feed so they gave it to him early. He gobbled that down and fell asleep. He woke up and hour later just as hungry. They figured what the heck and gave him another bottle to see what he'd do. He ate the whole feed! All of his progress earned him a new feeding schedule. He gets to eat what he wants when he wants as long as long as it is at least every 3 hours. He has a minimum amount that he has to eat in 8 hours and if he doesn't meet those requirements two shifts in a row he's back on a scheduled feeding. He may have a rough go of it to start but I'm sure he'll adjust quickly.
My boy is growing up! I'm hesitant to say his lightbulb turned on in his brain and he's acting like a normal baby but it appears it may have happened! I pray it has! That'll make home coming happen even faster!
24 October 2011
He just finished his 6:30 feeding through a tube in his nose. We need to hold onto him for another 30 minutes at least because he on reflux precautions. This poor kid has it bad. He's all snuggled and strapped into his sleep sack and he doesn't appear to want to snuggle after dinner like we normally do.
My baby will be 12 weeks old on Wednesday. The sad part is is I still don't feel like a mom totally yet. Yes I do know this boy better than anyone else and he knows me for sure. It's many of the small delights that make you feel like a mom are missing. I don't know the horrors of him waking through the night for feeding. I don't get to give him a kiss before leaving for work or see him when I walk in the house at the end of the day. He doesn't cry yet which I know is a blessing but a strong cry lets you know your child is ok. He just grunts and whines loudly. I haven't heard him cry in about a month and even then it totaled 3 breathes. I don't know what it's like to lay on a bed with him and jiggle a stuffed animal in front of his face. I'm just feeling so detached right now.
Finally. Detached. I couldn't find a word for what I'm feeling but now I have it.
I love this little guy with all my heart. I would kill if someone tried to hurt him. It just doesn't completely feel like I am his momma.
I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. All of the stress has kept me exhausted. I worry. I get mad. I can't focus. Then I get involved with something at work and I sink back into the way it was before the boy and Im happy. Then reality smacked me in the bathroom and I became instantly exhausted again. I got reminded of the nightmare again.
Someday I hope this will pass. My original due date is right around the corner. I'm pretty sure we'll still be here. He's got so far to go.