Reliving and Friendship

I've been busy with being a working mommy lately and I'm just exhausted and spent.  I need to vent with all the shit that's been going on lately.

First, I feel screwed.  New mom's generally get 6 weeks at home with their baby to establish a routine and live through the sleepless nights.  I got screwed.  I got 2 weeks of vacation that I used and that was it.  I get up, go to work, come home, play mommy for a few hours while hubby leaves 

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Had to stop mid sentence before.  The poor had milk coming out his mouth and nose and couldn't breath.  That woke him up for awhile.  

Now where was I?  Oh yeah.  Hubby leaves to work on a side job for a few hours before he comes home and I go to bed.  I'm not sure at the point I was trying to make so I'll just end that thought here.

My friend who has been going through the fertility journey with me was cruising along with her twin pregnancy. She was getting as big as a house and had the third trimester issues.  Well her water broke early Saturday morning.  Off to the hospital they went and she was having contractions with it.  

Cue flash backs.

They threw the pharmacy at her to stop them.  I knew exactly what drugs they were throwing at her and the protocols being followed.  The pain and memories came back.  I don't wish this upon my worst enemy and here my friend is having to go through it.  I just wanted to be there with her but I also had my child home alone with me.  I didn't want to package him up and go it alone because he's still a high maintenance child and secondly, I've  never taken him anywhere alone.  That's for a later topic.  I also was reliving my pain.

I decided to wait til hubby came home and we'd go as a family.  I turned into a basketcase.  I know it wasn't me going through this this time but the bandaide had been ripped off and I had to feel everything all over again.  She's at the same hospital where I spent over a month of my summer in and her babies would be in the same nicu where my child was.  

I never thought the emotional scars would be this deep.  I was having a minipanic attack.  I still am.  It's all so fresh to have someone close go through it.  The smell of the cleaner.  The looking down the halls.  The set up of the room.  The monitors going off.  I'm not healed.  I'm more hurt than I thought.  Both of our miracle pregnancies are ending the same way.  I want to be there but I find myself drawing back so I don't have to feel again.  I feel  horrible for feeling this way because I know how lonely it is being this situation with nobody understanding what you are going through.  Here I can provide that but my own selfish emotions are holding me back.

The visit even affected hubby.  He was acting like a duffus and I'm sure he was feeling the same way.  The chapter of our life that we are trying to move on from has been brought back.  

I am happy to report that my friend did have her babies today via c section.  They are both of a good size and are doing well.  They are in the nicu on cpap but I'm sure that will be short lived.  They are much farther along than my boy was and that will help them greatly.

On to my other topic: taking the kid out alone.  I'm used to just getting up and going and doing and coming home.  We are keeping the kid in quarantine from the general public to prevent him from getting sick this winter.  One cold could end him back in the hospital on  the vent.  For me this has also prevented my growth as a parent.  I have yet to take my child out by myself.  I'm not afraid that he'll quit breathing or I'll forget him somewhere but I'm afraid of not having everything I need, not having the stamina to carry him around and I hate having people coming up wanting to look at him.  We also have the apnea monitor too that we use when going out.  That draws attention too.  I just wish I could be like a normal parent that just takes their kid along with them and goes about everyday life.  

Kid is doing well.  He's eating, puking, pooping, peeing and doing everything a baby should.  I'm waiting for him to roll from his back to belly any day now.  He can get up onto his side and then he plops back.  I'm just amazed at how well he's growing.  Now if he could only sleep peacefully and not make a whole bunch of noise I'd be amazed.