24 October 2011

While Holding My Son

He just finished his 6:30 feeding through a tube in his nose. We need to hold onto him for another 30 minutes at least because he on reflux precautions.  This poor kid has it bad. He's all snuggled and strapped into his sleep sack and he doesn't appear to want to snuggle after dinner like we normally do.

My baby will be 12 weeks old on Wednesday. The sad part is is I still don't feel like a mom totally yet. Yes I do know this boy better than anyone else and he knows me for sure. It's many of the small delights that make you feel like a mom are missing. I don't know the horrors of him waking through the night for feeding. I don't get to give him a kiss before leaving for work or see him when I walk in the house at the end of the day. He doesn't cry yet which I know is a blessing but a strong cry lets you know your child is ok. He just grunts and whines loudly. I haven't heard him cry in about a month and even then it totaled 3 breathes.  I don't know what it's like to lay on a bed with him and jiggle a stuffed animal in front of his face. I'm just feeling so detached right now.

Finally.  Detached. I couldn't find a word for what I'm feeling but now I have it.

I love this little guy with all my heart. I would kill if someone tried to hurt him. It just doesn't completely feel like I am his momma. 

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. All of the stress has kept me exhausted. I worry. I get mad.  I can't focus. Then I get involved with something at work and I sink back into the way it was before the boy and Im happy. Then reality smacked me in the bathroom and I became instantly exhausted again. I got reminded of the nightmare again.

Someday I hope this will pass. My original due date is right around the corner. I'm pretty sure we'll still be here. He's got so far to go.


Alfro said...

Still sayin prayers for both of you.

It will get better.

Anonymous said...

What words can I say here. It would be total and utter bullshit of me to even think I can come close to what you must be feeling.

However, please know that I have been (Virtually) with you through this entire process and I always wish you and the family all the good their is.

There are somedays, I will tell you that as a Dad, I get totally detached. I have to. Sometimes the issues with my kids just get to be too much.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I felt the same way you do when our oldest was born nearly 14 years ago. It's normal for us moms of preemies. But, soon, he will be home - where he belongs and you can snuggle on him all the time. :-) {{{Hugs}}}