Mom and Baby

Life has been crazy lately and not the good way.  The kiddo has had some eating issues and fighting him to eat has just been exhausting.  His reflux got really bad and he just didn't want anything to do with any in his mouth.  I think with more drugs and rice in his bottles we are finally heading in the right direction.  This was the first time that he lost weight in a long time.  He's looking so skinny and I want to get him chubbed up again! 

On a brighter note, he's going to bed earlier now.  I can actually put him to bed myself now and he'll actually sleep.  I never thought I'd see the day!  Now I'm not so afraid of spending the night without hubby!  Yes.  That did sound horrible. I was scared to try and put my own son to bed.  The moons had to align right and you had to do a little dance before and I never seemed to have the touch that hubby had.  Mom failure #2056.  I swear I suck at this stuff because I'm not home all day with him.  I know someone has to work and that it's ok but I feel like a mom failure when I don't feel confident in doing simple tasks. 

As if a feisty infant wasn't enough to deal with, let's add in my mother.

She went in the middle of January to have a cancerous liver tumor removed.  I'm thinking she would have lived longer just leaving it in there now.  Every since then she's been out of the hospital for less than a week.  She's developed recurring fluid in her abdomen that is infected and needs to be tapped.  Her breathing gets affected by this.  She also has had kidney issues with this.  The worst part is her mental status has declined horribly.  She's so confused and is not with it.  Some days she has no clue who any of us are.  She forgets who her grandkids are.  She forgets where she is.  It's like I lost my mother in the drop of a hat. 

I'm very close to my mom.  We talk everyday, if not several times a day.  I feel a painful emptiness that I can't call her and share life and problems and joys.  She took great joy in her grandbabies.  She wanted to know everything going on and loved to visit.  Now it's like she's gone.  Her body is still living 2 hours away in a hospital room but it's not my mother there.  She finally had a glimmer of lucidity on Thursday morning but it's all gone again.  I miss her.  I don't know if I will ever get her back.  I've dreaded this moment my whole life and here it is when I need her.