29 August 2011

Purge and Vent

I've just gotta spew this out no matter how bad it is going to sound. It's my feelings and I'm obviously not stable in the noggin.

First warning is I took a sleeping pill and I'm still awake. This shit must really be eating me.

One of my vents is how sick I am of telling people how Cletus is doing. I was at a wedding this last weekend and I swear that is all people wanted to talk about. People I didn't even know knew about him and wanted to know how he was doing. I'm done for now people. I need a break. (This is for real life people)

I'm exhausted. I haven't slept decent since he was born with trying to pump in the middle of the night and the thought of the hospital possibly calling in the back of my head. Falling asleep has been hard lately and it's starting to eat at me.

Next is this pumping thing. This is hard shit. If I had a baby home and he cried, I'd feed him and not think twice no matter how often he cried. If I'd ignore it, he'd cry even more and I wouldn't have peace. With pumping, when it's time, then I should do it. If I don't, there's no ramifications to remind me. It's all on me. That gets tiring too. I know it's good for him to have and all that stuff but every stinkin pump sucks and is not enjoyable. I don't get the feel good hormones since it's a pump and I swear I don't make enough. Since I don't feel like I make enough, I'm taking half the vitamin store worth of herbs and shit to make more. I smell funny and it's more pills to take. I keep thinking 3 months is my goal and after that fuck it. It's not my kid will be able to come home and exclusively have my milk. Since he's so tiny he will have to have my milk mixed with some other shit and formula to super charge it for the first year. The whole thought of saving money by breast feeding is going out the window since I'll have to buy formula anyway.

Going to see him has turned into a terrifying event to me now on a daily basis. What is he going to do today while I'm there? How sick will he get? Will he keep his oxygen up so the alarm doesn't go off all afternoon? How uncomfortable will he get during a feed? What is going to happen to the other new fragile babies around him? It is so hard to keep in mind that he is so fragile and in the NICU for a reason. Today alone I had to watch his heart rate drop low and his oxygen in his blood turn to almost nothing. He was so blue. He was just limp and lifeless as the nurses stimulated him back to life. It's so hard to see that one of these times he may not come back. I'm trying to be strong and tell myself this is what premature babies do but this is killing me more as time goes on. Tonight he did it right while I was holding him. That really hurt. I'd like to thing that as his mother that I can make everything ok but here he was almost dead in my arms. I can't keep up the strong front. I'm too tired to. I need a break from this. I feel like I'm the only one in this right now. Hubby has to work and is trying to make extra money so we aren't completely broke while I'm off of work so he doesn't have the time to devote to him. I feel so guilty if I wouldn't be there as much as I am now. I'm off of work to spend time with my child and won't have this time soon. He's my child for Christ sake. How can I just not see him for a day? It's bad enough that he's not home for me to care for and I have to abandon him daily. I know that's why he is where he is and he's being cared for but he's still my child dammit.

Ok. I need to find my big mommy pants and try and pass out for a new day. Something has to give.


Alfro said...

(((Big Hugs)))
Vent away...
This has got to be one of the most stressful things you could ever go through.
Just take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to tell the PICU doctors your feelings also. They have seen all of this before, I would think, so they might be able to help.
I dont think you're alone with these feelings, Hubby probably has them too, but is able to channel some away with the extra work etc.
Just remember you've got a lot of people that care about you, and want you to be ok. So don't be affraid to vent, and let them know your feelings.
Wishing you and the little guy all my best.
one more (((HUG)))

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Pumping is hard, but you need some sleep too, so just aim for every 2 hours during the day. That's what I did. When I woke up, I was ready to express and made some progress. It's not worth wearing yourself out - you need to enjoy spending time with the baby. I have a feeling he will be home soon! :-)

bikinfool said...

So glad you updated! I was intensely curious about your situation but didn't dare ask because, well you know why.

Can't even imaging what you're enduring. And don't beat yourself up about the pumping business. Do the best you can - no one is allowed to judge you, they're not in your shoes.

Hang tough, we're all puling for you and your wee little one.

Sarah said...

So, I left my Twitter open one night and it seems, in addition to posting jibberish, my toddler also unfollowed you. I'm really sorry that I just noticed. I would message you on Twitter but, well, you know. I did miss seeing you in my timeline :)