Hell On Earth

Monday was a day of joy and excitement to find out what gender Cletus really is and to peek in and see how he was growing. It quickly turned into an emergent whirlwind of panic and terrifying events.

My first clue was when after the transabdominal ultrasound the tech said we were doing a transvaginal ultrasound. Those usually don't go together. On that version the tech was very quit taking measurements of black blobs on the screen. I know that black on the screen is not good unless it is the fluid. I still tried to stay upbeat.

Next stop was the visit with the doctor. It took him a few minutes to get in there. The good news is that Cletus is growing strong and has a dingus :) My baby boy :) Bad news is, however, my cervix was dilating. A quick speculum exam to take swabs and two fingered salute and off in a wheel chair I was to the hospital room. I spent Monday night with my head down and feet up with a catheter in and I was confined. The nurse had troubles finding Cletus's heartbeat. I didn't worry because he always has been a hider. During that time was the most forceful movements I have felt from my boy. He was giving me swift kicks in the cooter. Very odd feeling.

We survived the night into Tuesday. Tuesday was surgery day. They were going to sew my cervix back shut. Down to the OR we went. It was my first spinal. It wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst. They started to get down to business and luckily they gave me the good stuff to make me sleep. After a blink of an eye were done. I was in the recovery room feeling fine and numb. It was great. Wish I could stay in that state. Surgery worked. Barely. The bag of waters was down into the vagina and they tried every sort of way to get it back up without touching it. None of those worked. In the end the nurse had to push it back up with her finger while the doc did his fancy stitching. As the numbing wore off, I was in pain. I just had everything shoved up my cootch. The drugs made for a relaxing night and a fantastic night of sleep.

Wednesday morning doc was in to discuss the longer term plan. I'm referring to this day as Melt down Wednesday. I completely lost it after he left. The whole situation finally sunk in. My baby is still in grave danger. He's not old enough to be viable outside of me and there the risk of the amniotic bag breaking due to a weakness because it fell so low. The sutures may not hold or contractions could start and not stop. I cried. I cried hard. I was alone. Hubby was still at home. My mother called and she freaked out too. It was just the hard reality hitting me. I had to grieve. I had to do it instead of bottling it up and being blind sided if worse happens. I have to be realistic. When hubby showed up, I told him what was going on. I broke down again and told him what I want to name our son if he doesn't make it. No mother should ever have to chose a name for a dead child. No one. The day continued into night. I tried to get back to upbeat and hunker down for the long haul.

Thursday was more upbeat. I got questions answered from the doc that gave me more of a realistic look at what my situation is. It doesn't seem as bleak as the day before but it is still very very dangerous. I visited the best I could with my visitors. I was just exhausted and basically fell asleep right after dinner. I'm sure getting my catheter out and having shower really helped with making me tired. It felt great to shower and be moving a little more.

Today is the first check up on the sutures. It also meant a trip via wheelchair out of this room. First time since Tuesday. It was a quick ultrasound. Things are definatly better but waiting for the doc. It isn't as tight as a regular pregnancy so I'm not sure if we are still in serious danger or if it what he expected or better than he expected. This wait is getting to me.

30 weeks gestation is the ideal goal for the baby now. We hit the milestone of 21 weeks this week. Each day is a celebration. That would give me a September baby. I would be thrilled. Until then I will be in a bed day in and day out. It is a challenge. My mind is playing tricks on me already. I don't know if that bed will be at home or at the hospital the whole time. I just know I will be banned from the world for the next few months.

It is just amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye.