Exhausted

Pure exhaustion.

Yup. That's what I'm feeling.  I'm rode til my tank is beyond fumes.  I add a 1/4 tank and start it again the next day.  I just want 1 weekend where I don't have anything planned besides seeing the boy.  The idea would be 1 weekend without anything planned and having the boy home but that's not in the cards in the near future.

Work has been riding a desk but I did get out this week for a day.  I just wish I could cut out a day a week for me time.  I keep telling myself this situation is temporary and I'll be back to normal.  I'm sure it's a pipe dream but it's my little shred of hope.

The kid is driving us all insane. He's decided that breathing and keeping heart beating are optional.  The incidences of this have increased drastically in the last couple of weeks.  His doctor witnessed 2 of these spells yesterday and threw the diagnostic book at him with tests and changes.  He's on more oxygen now, he's not allowed to eat by mouth, and the amount has been decreased.  It just kills me that I'm the mom and I can't fix this nor do we know what needs to be fixed.  I have a thought on what's making him so uncomfortable and plan on bringing it up to the doc.  I feel because I want to snuggle and spend all my time with him but life doesn't allow it and frankly I'm scared of seeing him crash and burn.  We tried breast feeding again the other night.  We do that about once a week and we know he won't eat a whole meal off of it but I hope it makes him stronger for more bottle feeding and I feel less screwed out of this baby experience.  He decided he wanted nothing to do it that night.  He screamed, he sucked a little, and then he quit breathing and his heart slowed down.  The one primal way to a take care of a baby and he hated it to the point of shutting down.  Ouch.

The one bright spot of the week was buying a new chariot.  The old car was falling apart and I really wanted to have 4x4 and a little more room for the kid.  I took the day off of work for a doctors appointment (I failed my last pap test and needed to have another procedure done to check for cancer) and afterward hubby and I set off to find the perfect used ride.  We scoured every car lot looking for what I wanted.  We eventually found 1 about 2 hours away from home.  This was already 4 pm.  Price haggling and trade in went pretty quick and then hubby had to rip my speaker box out of the car.  Financing was pretty painless too.  It sucks that now we have a car payment for me again but I now have a vehicle that has a lifetime bumper to bumper warranty and I'll feel safer driving this winter.

This coming week holds hubby's last day of work. He quit his job in anticipation of boy coming home.  He's going to be the stay at home daddy and he will be great at it.  One income scares me.  I am the only income.  I'm trying to wiggle overtime into my week and I've got 3 hours so far this week.  I've gotta figure out how to get more.  Oh shit.  I'm on call and that reminds me, my phone is in the bedroom.  I better go get it.