Almost 1 Year Later

I know I've let this blog fall by the wayside but I really haven't felt like writing anything.  Today I do.  I need to vent.

It is coming up on 1 year since the birth of my son.  I was bound to a bed in a prison cell of a hospital room. I tried with all my might to hold him in to give him the best chance.  Then I got tired.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I told myself to go to sleep and it will be a new day and we'll get through it.  Little did I know I was going to be going into labor the next morning and there wasn't enough drugs to stop it.  I was having my child just a couple weeks older than viability.  Shit got real when they cleaned out the room and had a nicu bed out side my door.  I was scared for my son.  I knew I couldn't stop it and I knew there was nothing that could be done.  I failed at being his mom so far and he would be in God's hands.

I think I was pretty ignorant of how things were going to be.  Nobody every prepared me to see my child's heartbeat slow to almost nothing.  Nobody ever prepared me to be holding my child with him fine one second and limp and blue the next second.  Several times.  No parent should ever feel their baby die like that.  I worried about the brain damage that all these spells had.  I worried about his breathing because he wasn't that great with it.

Eventually I fell into a routine of working and spending time at the nicu.  Those nurses became my family and my little chicken wing was turning into a drumstick.  I had had enough.  I couldn't stand that I couldn't snuggle with my child while having other people around or be able to get up and grab a snack while I held him.  I felt like a fish in a fishbowl.  Don't get me wrong the nurses and staff were so wonderful there but I didn't have alone time with him.  After 107 days of an emotional extreme rollercoaster we took our little man home.  He was almost 10 pounds and looked like the oddball in the nicu.  He came home on a monitor and life went nuts.

I couldn't sleep.  I had troubles pumping.  I didn't know what to do.  He wouldn't sleep without being held.  I was too scared to nap while holding him.  Worrying about him stopping breathing was always there.  I only had 2 weeks before I had to go back to work.  I was exhausted and only wanted to get home to see him and let the hubby have a break.

Things did get better.  We ditched the monitor and we were in seclusion for the winter.  Then this little monster called reflux showed up and over rode the meds.  This was hell on earth.  He wouldn't eat and when he did he vomited.  Screaming and fighting.  We eventually had it under control for just a short while and then it kicked in again.  Our little man grew in length and not weight.  Long and skinny.  The poor boy was starving and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.  Finally we had a couple of different doctors help us and he's finally gaining weight.

I also can't forget about the helmet.  I hate the helmet.  It took him how long to kick his cpap hat when he was born and now we have this plastic thing strapped to his head.  He ended up with a massive flat spot on his head because his neck muscles were way too tight on one side.  The helmet lets the head grow into the flat spot area and restrict growth on the parts that stick out.  We missed the optimum time to do the helmet cause the doctor was an asshat and then medicaid sat on their ass.  We are still with the helmet.  I don't know how long but it won't be soon enough.

That's the short story of the last year.  I wanted to write because I'm looking back at when all happened in the last year.  I don't know how I did it.  I don't think I've processed the emotions completely and I'm having flash backs and I'm freaking out.  I can't believe my active turkey was that helpless sick bean.  I blame myself.  I look back and see how things may have different if I reported this or pushed for that.  I can't imagine life without him now.  

Mom and Baby

Life has been crazy lately and not the good way.  The kiddo has had some eating issues and fighting him to eat has just been exhausting.  His reflux got really bad and he just didn't want anything to do with any in his mouth.  I think with more drugs and rice in his bottles we are finally heading in the right direction.  This was the first time that he lost weight in a long time.  He's looking so skinny and I want to get him chubbed up again! 

On a brighter note, he's going to bed earlier now.  I can actually put him to bed myself now and he'll actually sleep.  I never thought I'd see the day!  Now I'm not so afraid of spending the night without hubby!  Yes.  That did sound horrible. I was scared to try and put my own son to bed.  The moons had to align right and you had to do a little dance before and I never seemed to have the touch that hubby had.  Mom failure #2056.  I swear I suck at this stuff because I'm not home all day with him.  I know someone has to work and that it's ok but I feel like a mom failure when I don't feel confident in doing simple tasks. 

As if a feisty infant wasn't enough to deal with, let's add in my mother.

She went in the middle of January to have a cancerous liver tumor removed.  I'm thinking she would have lived longer just leaving it in there now.  Every since then she's been out of the hospital for less than a week.  She's developed recurring fluid in her abdomen that is infected and needs to be tapped.  Her breathing gets affected by this.  She also has had kidney issues with this.  The worst part is her mental status has declined horribly.  She's so confused and is not with it.  Some days she has no clue who any of us are.  She forgets who her grandkids are.  She forgets where she is.  It's like I lost my mother in the drop of a hat. 

I'm very close to my mom.  We talk everyday, if not several times a day.  I feel a painful emptiness that I can't call her and share life and problems and joys.  She took great joy in her grandbabies.  She wanted to know everything going on and loved to visit.  Now it's like she's gone.  Her body is still living 2 hours away in a hospital room but it's not my mother there.  She finally had a glimmer of lucidity on Thursday morning but it's all gone again.  I miss her.  I don't know if I will ever get her back.  I've dreaded this moment my whole life and here it is when I need her. 

Bah Hum Bug

I'm just not feeling it this year.  Actually I sorta am but have realized what I hate about holidays.

I hate family gatherings.  I'm not extremely close with the extended family on either side of the family.  I hate trying to make small talk with them.  I hate large groups of people.  I try and figure out down to the minute how soon I can leave after arriving so as not to look like an ass but not stay any longer than I have to.

This year I'm blessed to have by baby boy.  He's in quarantine so we have a legitimate excuse not to go to these functions.  I'm elated!  I know all the family isn't pleased that they don't get to see him but they understand.  The extent of family that we will see is hubby's grandma and parents.  We're supposed to have the immediate family Christmas on the hubby's side next Saturday.  That's if everyone is well.  There's 4 kids under the age of 8 so you do the math on how likely that is.  Hell, I'm even banning my parents from coming over this weekend because my dad has a cold.

I am fearful for my house though.  The shack is pretty packed right now with kid stuff and everyone is going to be piling on more.  He does need toys but I'm scared on how much is coming into this house!  I should have asked hubby for a new house for Christmas.  We've already discussed it but don't want to fathom the thought of trying to pack up this place for moving.  We've been here 6 years now.  We've got a lot of shit.  I really want to go through the basement and thin the shit out.  I really don't need to be keeping my little figurines that I got from the dollar store for my first apartment or the empty cell phone box from 3 phones ago.  The sad part is is we have a limited amount of garbage can space and have to pay for overflow.

Wow. I really did see a squirrel.  Totally lost topic.

I am proud of getting hubby gifts this year.  Usually it's the week after Christmas where I see what he's gotten and we order him something on super sale from Amazon.  Not this year.  I'm on it!  He did admit that he hasn't gotten me anything yet.  Understandable since he's been stuck home or a short leash out.  Oh well. Maybe I'll order myself some shit.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and enjoys whatever they are doing :)

Reliving and Friendship

I've been busy with being a working mommy lately and I'm just exhausted and spent.  I need to vent with all the shit that's been going on lately.

First, I feel screwed.  New mom's generally get 6 weeks at home with their baby to establish a routine and live through the sleepless nights.  I got screwed.  I got 2 weeks of vacation that I used and that was it.  I get up, go to work, come home, play mommy for a few hours while hubby leaves 

******************

Had to stop mid sentence before.  The poor had milk coming out his mouth and nose and couldn't breath.  That woke him up for awhile.  

Now where was I?  Oh yeah.  Hubby leaves to work on a side job for a few hours before he comes home and I go to bed.  I'm not sure at the point I was trying to make so I'll just end that thought here.

My friend who has been going through the fertility journey with me was cruising along with her twin pregnancy. She was getting as big as a house and had the third trimester issues.  Well her water broke early Saturday morning.  Off to the hospital they went and she was having contractions with it.  

Cue flash backs.

They threw the pharmacy at her to stop them.  I knew exactly what drugs they were throwing at her and the protocols being followed.  The pain and memories came back.  I don't wish this upon my worst enemy and here my friend is having to go through it.  I just wanted to be there with her but I also had my child home alone with me.  I didn't want to package him up and go it alone because he's still a high maintenance child and secondly, I've  never taken him anywhere alone.  That's for a later topic.  I also was reliving my pain.

I decided to wait til hubby came home and we'd go as a family.  I turned into a basketcase.  I know it wasn't me going through this this time but the bandaide had been ripped off and I had to feel everything all over again.  She's at the same hospital where I spent over a month of my summer in and her babies would be in the same nicu where my child was.  

I never thought the emotional scars would be this deep.  I was having a minipanic attack.  I still am.  It's all so fresh to have someone close go through it.  The smell of the cleaner.  The looking down the halls.  The set up of the room.  The monitors going off.  I'm not healed.  I'm more hurt than I thought.  Both of our miracle pregnancies are ending the same way.  I want to be there but I find myself drawing back so I don't have to feel again.  I feel  horrible for feeling this way because I know how lonely it is being this situation with nobody understanding what you are going through.  Here I can provide that but my own selfish emotions are holding me back.

The visit even affected hubby.  He was acting like a duffus and I'm sure he was feeling the same way.  The chapter of our life that we are trying to move on from has been brought back.  

I am happy to report that my friend did have her babies today via c section.  They are both of a good size and are doing well.  They are in the nicu on cpap but I'm sure that will be short lived.  They are much farther along than my boy was and that will help them greatly.

On to my other topic: taking the kid out alone.  I'm used to just getting up and going and doing and coming home.  We are keeping the kid in quarantine from the general public to prevent him from getting sick this winter.  One cold could end him back in the hospital on  the vent.  For me this has also prevented my growth as a parent.  I have yet to take my child out by myself.  I'm not afraid that he'll quit breathing or I'll forget him somewhere but I'm afraid of not having everything I need, not having the stamina to carry him around and I hate having people coming up wanting to look at him.  We also have the apnea monitor too that we use when going out.  That draws attention too.  I just wish I could be like a normal parent that just takes their kid along with them and goes about everyday life.  

Kid is doing well.  He's eating, puking, pooping, peeing and doing everything a baby should.  I'm waiting for him to roll from his back to belly any day now.  He can get up onto his side and then he plops back.  I'm just amazed at how well he's growing.  Now if he could only sleep peacefully and not make a whole bunch of noise I'd be amazed.

Today Is The Day

It is here.

My baby boy is coming home.

No extra oxygen. No feeding tube. Just an apnea monitor for our own peace of mind.

Let the next chapter of life begin.

Just Maybe?

After all the crashing and burning and status quo the kid has been doing, the thought of him coming home was pretty dim.  I was worried that he'd learn how to walk and talk in that nicu.  I started preparing myself for the idea of an institution even though I know that was absurd.  I was thinking about planning a trip to the local shrine of miracles here to pray for his improvement on my drive home from work and going to the hospital Thursday night.

Then I showed up at the hospital.

It was 45 minutes before his scheduled feed and he was wide awake and chomping on his nook.  He was one hungry little boy.  I figured instead of wasting the energy on his nook that we should get the bottle going.  That was a wise choice.  We assumed the preemie eating position and popped the bottle in his mouth.  He gobble that thing.  He paced himself remembering to swallow and breath when he needed to.  Actually, the kid's oxygen sats didn't drop below 91 the whole feed!  That has never happened!  He finished his whole bottle and was still wide awake and wanted something to suck.  We refilled the bottle with another half a feed and he went to town on that one.  He maintained his sats and gobbled that one down without blinking an eye.  With his reflux we figured better cut him off before it ended poorly.  He chomped on his nook for awhile longer before crashing out asleep.  Wow.  Just wow.  When putting him to bed he spit up big time but his oxygen sats only dropped to 76 and he brought himself right back up.  Usually something like that would drop him into the 50s and he'd need some sort of stimulation to breath again.  I was beaming to say the least.  He had taken all of his feedings minus 1 at that point by mouth.  He's never done that either.  I had to know how the last feeding went. I stayed up and called in.  He ate all but what he had extra at the feeding before.  I call that a wash!  My boy took all of his feeds by mouth for a full 24 hours!!!

Friday night I was excited to see him again.  He was wide awake when I got there again and the nurse had much to report.  He was sleepy during the night and didn't make much progress with eating.  They turned his oxygen down some more and he was doing great.  Then at noon he woke up hungry as hell and it was still a half hour before his scheduled feed so they gave it to him early.  He gobbled that down and fell asleep.  He woke up and  hour later just as hungry.  They figured what the heck and gave him another bottle to see what he'd do.  He ate the whole feed!  All of his progress earned him a new feeding schedule. He gets to eat what he wants when he wants as long as long as it is at least every 3 hours.  He has a minimum amount that he has to eat in 8 hours and if he doesn't meet those requirements two shifts in a row he's back on a scheduled feeding. He may have a rough go of it to start but I'm sure he'll adjust quickly.

My boy is growing up!  I'm hesitant to say his lightbulb turned on in his brain and he's acting like a normal baby but it appears it may have happened!  I pray it has!  That'll make home coming happen even faster!

While Holding My Son

He just finished his 6:30 feeding through a tube in his nose. We need to hold onto him for another 30 minutes at least because he on reflux precautions.  This poor kid has it bad. He's all snuggled and strapped into his sleep sack and he doesn't appear to want to snuggle after dinner like we normally do.

My baby will be 12 weeks old on Wednesday. The sad part is is I still don't feel like a mom totally yet. Yes I do know this boy better than anyone else and he knows me for sure. It's many of the small delights that make you feel like a mom are missing. I don't know the horrors of him waking through the night for feeding. I don't get to give him a kiss before leaving for work or see him when I walk in the house at the end of the day. He doesn't cry yet which I know is a blessing but a strong cry lets you know your child is ok. He just grunts and whines loudly. I haven't heard him cry in about a month and even then it totaled 3 breathes.  I don't know what it's like to lay on a bed with him and jiggle a stuffed animal in front of his face. I'm just feeling so detached right now.

Finally.  Detached. I couldn't find a word for what I'm feeling but now I have it.

I love this little guy with all my heart. I would kill if someone tried to hurt him. It just doesn't completely feel like I am his momma. 

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. All of the stress has kept me exhausted. I worry. I get mad.  I can't focus. Then I get involved with something at work and I sink back into the way it was before the boy and Im happy. Then reality smacked me in the bathroom and I became instantly exhausted again. I got reminded of the nightmare again.

Someday I hope this will pass. My original due date is right around the corner. I'm pretty sure we'll still be here. He's got so far to go.