The Next Chapter

Bah Hum Bug

2011-12-24T12:41:00.001-06:00

I'm just not feeling it this year. Actually I sorta am but have realized what I hate about holidays.

I hate family gatherings. I'm not extremely close with the extended family on either side of the family. I hate trying to make small talk with them. I hate large groups of people. I try and figure out down to the minute how soon I can leave after arriving so as not to look like an ass but not stay any longer than I have to.

This year I'm blessed to have by baby boy. He's in quarantine so we have a legitimate excuse not to go to these functions. I'm elated! I know all the family isn't pleased that they don't get to see him but they understand. The extent of family that we will see is hubby's grandma and parents. We're supposed to have the immediate family Christmas on the hubby's side next Saturday. That's if everyone is well. There's 4 kids under the age of 8 so you do the math on how likely that is. Hell, I'm even banning my parents from coming over this weekend because my dad has a cold.

I am fearful for my house though. The shack is pretty packed right now with kid stuff and everyone is going to be piling on more. He does need toys but I'm scared on how much is coming into this house! I should have asked hubby for a new house for Christmas. We've already discussed it but don't want to fathom the thought of trying to pack up this place for moving. We've been here 6 years now. We've got a lot of shit. I really want to go through the basement and thin the shit out. I really don't need to be keeping my little figurines that I got from the dollar store for my first apartment or the empty cell phone box from 3 phones ago. The sad part is is we have a limited amount of garbage can space and have to pay for overflow.

Wow. I really did see a squirrel. Totally lost topic.

I am proud of getting hubby gifts this year. Usually it's the week after Christmas where I see what he's gotten and we order him something on super sale from Amazon. Not this year. I'm on it! He did admit that he hasn't gotten me anything yet. Understandable since he's been stuck home or a short leash out. Oh well. Maybe I'll order myself some shit.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and enjoys whatever they are doing :)

Reliving and Friendship

2011-12-18T17:22:00.002-06:00

I've been busy with being a working mommy lately and I'm just exhausted and spent. I need to vent with all the shit that's been going on lately.

First, I feel screwed. New mom's generally get 6 weeks at home with their baby to establish a routine and live through the sleepless nights. I got screwed. I got 2 weeks of vacation that I used and that was it. I get up, go to work, come home, play mommy for a few hours while hubby leaves

******************

Had to stop mid sentence before. The poor had milk coming out his mouth and nose and couldn't breath. That woke him up for awhile.

Now where was I? Oh yeah. Hubby leaves to work on a side job for a few hours before he comes home and I go to bed. I'm not sure at the point I was trying to make so I'll just end that thought here.

My friend who has been going through the fertility journey with me was cruising along with her twin pregnancy. She was getting as big as a house and had the third trimester issues. Well her water broke early Saturday morning. Off to the hospital they went and she was having contractions with it.

Cue flash backs.

They threw the pharmacy at her to stop them. I knew exactly what drugs they were throwing at her and the protocols being followed. The pain and memories came back. I don't wish this upon my worst enemy and here my friend is having to go through it. I just wanted to be there with her but I also had my child home alone with me. I didn't want to package him up and go it alone because he's still a high maintenance child and secondly, I've never taken him anywhere alone. That's for a later topic. I also was reliving my pain.

I decided to wait til hubby came home and we'd go as a family. I turned into a basketcase. I know it wasn't me going through this this time but the bandaide had been ripped off and I had to feel everything all over again. She's at the same hospital where I spent over a month of my summer in and her babies would be in the same nicu where my child was.

I never thought the emotional scars would be this deep. I was having a minipanic attack. I still am. It's all so fresh to have someone close go through it. The smell of the cleaner. The looking down the halls. The set up of the room. The monitors going off. I'm not healed. I'm more hurt than I thought. Both of our miracle pregnancies are ending the same way. I want to be there but I find myself drawing back so I don't have to feel again. I feel horrible for feeling this way because I know how lonely it is being this situation with nobody understanding what you are going through. Here I can provide that but my own selfish emotions are holding me back.

The visit even affected hubby. He was acting like a duffus and I'm sure he was feeling the same way. The chapter of our life that we are trying to move on from has been brought back.

I am happy to report that my friend did have her babies today via c section. They are both of a good size and are doing well. They are in the nicu on cpap but I'm sure that will be short lived. They are much farther along than my boy was and that will help them greatly.

On to my other topic: taking the kid out alone. I'm used to just getting up and going and doing and coming home. We are keeping the kid in quarantine from the general public to prevent him from getting sick this winter. One cold could end him back in the hospital on the vent. For me this has also prevented my growth as a parent. I have yet to take my child out by myself. I'm not afraid that he'll quit breathing or I'll forget him somewhere but I'm afraid of not having everything I need, not having the stamina to carry him around and I hate having people coming up wanting to look at him. We also have the apnea monitor too that we use when going out. That draws attention too. I just wish I could be like a normal parent that just takes their kid along with them and goes about everyday life.

Kid is doing well. He's eating, puking, pooping, peeing and doing everything a baby should. I'm waiting for him to roll from his back to belly any day now. He can get up onto his side and then he plops back. I'm just amazed at how well he's growing. Now if he could only sleep peacefully and not make a whole bunch of noise I'd be amazed.

Today Is The Day

2011-11-18T12:37:00.001-06:00

It is here.

My baby boy is coming home.

No extra oxygen. No feeding tube. Just an apnea monitor for our own peace of mind.

Let the next chapter of life begin.

Just Maybe?

2011-11-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

After all the crashing and burning and status quo the kid has been doing, the thought of him coming home was pretty dim. I was worried that he'd learn how to walk and talk in that nicu. I started preparing myself for the idea of an institution even though I know that was absurd. I was thinking about planning a trip to the local shrine of miracles here to pray for his improvement on my drive home from work and going to the hospital Thursday night.

Then I showed up at the hospital.

It was 45 minutes before his scheduled feed and he was wide awake and chomping on his nook. He was one hungry little boy. I figured instead of wasting the energy on his nook that we should get the bottle going. That was a wise choice. We assumed the preemie eating position and popped the bottle in his mouth. He gobble that thing. He paced himself remembering to swallow and breath when he needed to. Actually, the kid's oxygen sats didn't drop below 91 the whole feed! That has never happened! He finished his whole bottle and was still wide awake and wanted something to suck. We refilled the bottle with another half a feed and he went to town on that one. He maintained his sats and gobbled that one down without blinking an eye. With his reflux we figured better cut him off before it ended poorly. He chomped on his nook for awhile longer before crashing out asleep. Wow. Just wow. When putting him to bed he spit up big time but his oxygen sats only dropped to 76 and he brought himself right back up. Usually something like that would drop him into the 50s and he'd need some sort of stimulation to breath again. I was beaming to say the least. He had taken all of his feedings minus 1 at that point by mouth. He's never done that either. I had to know how the last feeding went. I stayed up and called in. He ate all but what he had extra at the feeding before. I call that a wash! My boy took all of his feeds by mouth for a full 24 hours!!!

Friday night I was excited to see him again. He was wide awake when I got there again and the nurse had much to report. He was sleepy during the night and didn't make much progress with eating. They turned his oxygen down some more and he was doing great. Then at noon he woke up hungry as hell and it was still a half hour before his scheduled feed so they gave it to him early. He gobbled that down and fell asleep. He woke up and hour later just as hungry. They figured what the heck and gave him another bottle to see what he'd do. He ate the whole feed! All of his progress earned him a new feeding schedule. He gets to eat what he wants when he wants as long as long as it is at least every 3 hours. He has a minimum amount that he has to eat in 8 hours and if he doesn't meet those requirements two shifts in a row he's back on a scheduled feeding. He may have a rough go of it to start but I'm sure he'll adjust quickly.

My boy is growing up! I'm hesitant to say his lightbulb turned on in his brain and he's acting like a normal baby but it appears it may have happened! I pray it has! That'll make home coming happen even faster!

While Holding My Son

2011-10-24T19:27:00.001-05:00

He just finished his 6:30 feeding through a tube in his nose. We need to hold onto him for another 30 minutes at least because he on reflux precautions. This poor kid has it bad. He's all snuggled and strapped into his sleep sack and he doesn't appear to want to snuggle after dinner like we normally do.

My baby will be 12 weeks old on Wednesday. The sad part is is I still don't feel like a mom totally yet. Yes I do know this boy better than anyone else and he knows me for sure. It's many of the small delights that make you feel like a mom are missing. I don't know the horrors of him waking through the night for feeding. I don't get to give him a kiss before leaving for work or see him when I walk in the house at the end of the day. He doesn't cry yet which I know is a blessing but a strong cry lets you know your child is ok. He just grunts and whines loudly. I haven't heard him cry in about a month and even then it totaled 3 breathes. I don't know what it's like to lay on a bed with him and jiggle a stuffed animal in front of his face. I'm just feeling so detached right now.

Finally. Detached. I couldn't find a word for what I'm feeling but now I have it.

I love this little guy with all my heart. I would kill if someone tried to hurt him. It just doesn't completely feel like I am his momma.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. All of the stress has kept me exhausted. I worry. I get mad. I can't focus. Then I get involved with something at work and I sink back into the way it was before the boy and Im happy. Then reality smacked me in the bathroom and I became instantly exhausted again. I got reminded of the nightmare again.

Someday I hope this will pass. My original due date is right around the corner. I'm pretty sure we'll still be here. He's got so far to go.

Exhausted

2011-10-22T10:36:00.001-05:00

Pure exhaustion.

Yup. That's what I'm feeling. I'm rode til my tank is beyond fumes. I add a 1/4 tank and start it again the next day. I just want 1 weekend where I don't have anything planned besides seeing the boy. The idea would be 1 weekend without anything planned and having the boy home but that's not in the cards in the near future.

Work has been riding a desk but I did get out this week for a day. I just wish I could cut out a day a week for me time. I keep telling myself this situation is temporary and I'll be back to normal. I'm sure it's a pipe dream but it's my little shred of hope.

The kid is driving us all insane. He's decided that breathing and keeping heart beating are optional. The incidences of this have increased drastically in the last couple of weeks. His doctor witnessed 2 of these spells yesterday and threw the diagnostic book at him with tests and changes. He's on more oxygen now, he's not allowed to eat by mouth, and the amount has been decreased. It just kills me that I'm the mom and I can't fix this nor do we know what needs to be fixed. I have a thought on what's making him so uncomfortable and plan on bringing it up to the doc. I feel because I want to snuggle and spend all my time with him but life doesn't allow it and frankly I'm scared of seeing him crash and burn. We tried breast feeding again the other night. We do that about once a week and we know he won't eat a whole meal off of it but I hope it makes him stronger for more bottle feeding and I feel less screwed out of this baby experience. He decided he wanted nothing to do it that night. He screamed, he sucked a little, and then he quit breathing and his heart slowed down. The one primal way to a take care of a baby and he hated it to the point of shutting down. Ouch.

The one bright spot of the week was buying a new chariot. The old car was falling apart and I really wanted to have 4x4 and a little more room for the kid. I took the day off of work for a doctors appointment (I failed my last pap test and needed to have another procedure done to check for cancer) and afterward hubby and I set off to find the perfect used ride. We scoured every car lot looking for what I wanted. We eventually found 1 about 2 hours away from home. This was already 4 pm. Price haggling and trade in went pretty quick and then hubby had to rip my speaker box out of the car. Financing was pretty painless too. It sucks that now we have a car payment for me again but I now have a vehicle that has a lifetime bumper to bumper warranty and I'll feel safer driving this winter.

This coming week holds hubby's last day of work. He quit his job in anticipation of boy coming home. He's going to be the stay at home daddy and he will be great at it. One income scares me. I am the only income. I'm trying to wiggle overtime into my week and I've got 3 hours so far this week. I've gotta figure out how to get more. Oh shit. I'm on call and that reminds me, my phone is in the bedroom. I better go get it.

A Journal Entry

2011-10-03T09:42:00.005-05:00

This last weekend has been a time of great joy and great fear. The chaplain that stopped off by Boy's bedside last night really urged that I journal what I went through, how I felt, what I saw. Since I hate writing with my hands and it will just get lost as a word file, here it is.

Saturday, Oct 1

The mother in law showed up out of the blue to see the Boy so I was the one to take her up there. No big deal, just a small change in schedule. I was met by the Boy's doctor at the door. Nothing new there. I haven't seen her in a long time. She ran down the game plan that he was going to be getting his 2 month shots this weekend. They would be spaced out over 3 days so as not to be such a shock to his tiny system. She expected he wouldn't nipple (eat from a bottle) as well and be crabbier and sleepier and may need a little more oxygen. I understood. I know infants have a bad day when they get their shots. He got his first shot around noon and I came back about 330. He was just finishing up his feed through his feeding tube and then he just snuggled in with me after a little fussing. The kid was out hard. I was glad he was getting some good sleep. Gramma and Grampa then showed up about an hour later. Boy got pissed that somebody woke up him up from snuggle time with mommy. He almost busted out his big boy cry he was so mad! His nook soothed him then. I swear he was trying to suck it right off its base. He did great then. We played pass the baby so he could get time with the grandparents. He woke up enough to interact with them both and it was just precious. It was getting to be meal time again and he was fussing more. We were waiting for daddy to get there to try and teach him another new trick- breastfeeding. We couldn't wait any longer so Boy and I assumed the position with the help of his fantastic nurse. I'm going to call her Amy in the rest of this. She helped me get boy in place and watched over us to see the progress. Boy really didn't care about the boob since it didn't pour the milk in like the nipple kinda does. Amy went to go get a nipple shield to see if that would help. Right after she stepped away Boy got a little mad at the whole situation. He grunted and groaned and wiggled. Then he put his head back as far as he could get it and then farted and slammed his little mouth over my nipple and started sucking. He sucked a few times but really wasn't getting anywhere. By this time, Amy was back with the shield. I swear this little piece of plastic is from heaven. It's sorta like a nipple condom with wholes and some rigidness. It goes right over the nipple and is like a fake one for him to latch onto but still does the sucking and work of breastfeeding and getting the goods right from the source. I loved it! It was so much more gentle than the Evil Pump. He sucked and paced himself for 15 minutes. We had to stop then so he wouldn't completely wear himself out. No problem. We tried to give the rest of the meal in a bottle. He ate about half then he was too tired. His oxygen was dropping and staying there, his heart rate kept slowing down. His ques that he was done. He had the rest through his tube and daddy snuggle with him for awhile and that was it. He needed just a little extra oxygen to get through the eating and that was it. Par for the course. Amy celebrated in our little triumph with us. Boy was awake when we left so she was going to snuggle with him instead of ignoring an awake little boy in his crib. Amy has been a God send up until this point and will be even more than I knew a this point.

Sunday, October 2

I awoke early with the ambition to get some thing accomplished for the Boy's homecoming. Scuddle bug has it it could be as early as Halloween. That's only a few weeks away! I have none of the housekeeping things ready and finding time during the week is impossible. I get up, go to work, come home just long enough to grab the morning milk or just head straight to the hospital, snuggle with the boy and feed him, maybe do a bath, then come home, find something to eat that requires no prep and then I'm so exhausted it's off to bed by 9ish. Weekends have been hectic since I went back to work too. I could have started some of this while I was off but the room wasn't ready for clothes, I didn't know what I would be getting from the shower, and none of the furniture was in there. Well, as of a week ago, it is semi set up with the crib and dresser and old shit out. The job for the today was to go through all the clothes that I have procured from family, friends and rummage sales and go through round 1 of baby shower gifts that I brought home. I got washing and ran to the store to buy hangers and organizers. When I got home I sifted through the first load of dry laundry for the hat and sleepers he could wear now. I was putting his name in when the phone rang from the hospital. It was the day nurse giving me an update that Boy had a spell after his shot and eye exam and they had to put him back on high flow oxygen. Ok. 1 bad spell isn't so bad. It sucks but the doctor warned me. I let Hubby know and finished packing the clothes up. Off I went to the hospital. I got there just in time for his 330 feeding and had Boy snuggled on my chest like we have been. The feeding went in and that's when it all started going downhill.

He was breathing hard like he usually does after a feeding. His poor tummy gets so full that it's harder to expand his lungs. Think of it like going to an all you eat buffet and how icky you feel after eating all you can. Then he decided he'd stop breathing for a big. His oxygen sats would drop and he'd breath a few more breaths and stop. Well this sucked. Amy was sitting by me and noticed this too. She said to reposition him so I held him like you would normally cradle a baby. This got him to breath again. He was good for a few minutes like this and then I heard the reflux of milk. Shit. Normally he'd stop breathing but a good rub and he'd come back around.

Chest rub. Nothing.

Sit him up. Chest rub. Back rub nothing.

Amy rubbed his back. I rubbed his chest. Nothing.

Boy turned blue and limp and lifeless. His monitors went off for his heart rate slowing down to dangerous levels now too. Amy picked him up and put him back in bed. Sometimes this will get him to start staggered breathing again but my son laid there limp and lifeless. Amy started to place a bag and mask over his face in the hopes of the full oxygen blow and facial stimulation would get a couple breaths but nothing. Lower his oxygen went. Lower his heart rate went. My baby was fixing to die right there. Amy started giving him breaths with the bag. Usually this will stimulate him to breath also. No dice. Another nurse came to help and suctioned out the milk that was still in the back of his throat and up into his nose. Finally he took a couple breaths and decided to stop. Cry. Stop. Cry. Stop.

I'm standing at the end of the cube watching in horror. I don't want to be in the way. I don't know if I should go out to the family room. I didn't want to abandon my child in his time of need. Amy and the other nurse worked hard to get him to breath again. It was comforting to hear the cry but heart wrenching to see him still blue and mainly limp. I questioned how this could be happening in my head. He has come so far and was going to be weened off the oxygen completely this week. Here he is not wanting to breath and heart slowing down to the worst thoughts ever a parent could have. Every mother believes that if they are there they can make things all better and I was there and I was so helpless and I was not able to make things better.

He finally did come back around and stabilized for the minute. Amy gave him back to me to hold while the doctor was consulted. Boy was working way too hard to breath still. This prompted the doctor to put him back on more supportive breathing machines. Cpap is one step below the ventilator. Boy was on that for a long time. It doesn't look the greatest on him and actually hinders his eating ability. I provides a constant pressure to keep his lungs open. I held my son while respiratory was called to get the machine set up. I was fighting back the tears. Amy sat down next to me with tears streaming down her face too. She said how they are told not to get attached to their patients but every once and awhile you just get attached to one and are very protective of them. Boy is hers. I cried some more. His big boy bed was changed out to a more medical type bed. At this time, Boy was tired from breathing again and started heading downhill. Before he crashed completely, he was put in his new bed where Amy rubbed his back and chest and stimulated him back. I tried to keep a hand on him when RT wasn't setting up the machine, when Amy wasn't getting his set with the apparatus applied to his face. He has to wear a plain beige hat to have the air tubes pinned to, across his face is a tube that has prongs that go up his nose, that tube is then attached to the 2 air tubes on either side of his face. His nasal tube for eating would have to be in his mouth again. There is not much open skin on his face when this gets applied. I did sneak in one last kiss on his cheek since I don't know when I will be able kiss it again.

RT said she had the system set up and was ready to go so Amy could change over from the oxygen that Boy was on to the CPAP prongs and set up. She got him all set up and prongs in and went to attach the air hoses to the tube. They did not fit. She worked hard and quick at it but they would not fit. In the mean time, Boy crashed again. He didn't have oxygen support, his heart slowed and he turned blue and limp. Amy gave up and had to bag the boy again to get him to come around. She couldn't see her partner nurse and didn't just want to yell so I went to find her for some help. I'm ok with that. Anyway I can help. The partner nurse came to help while Amy was bagging boy, still trying to get him to breath on his own. Partner nurse figured out that RT did not attach an adapter that is needed for NICU patients. RT lady was already long gone and said it was ready to go. The nurses tried to bite their tongues about this particular RT. I was pissed. I still am pissed. I'm really thinking about reporting her to someone. I'm not sure if it's the NICU coordinator or if I should find out who her supervisor is. Her oops caused my child to have a pretty severe hypoxic episode. It should have never happened if she did her job right.

Once they had everything attached to him, Amy let me hold him again. His pulse was just through the roof because he was so upset with the change. I tried to sooth him the best I could but in the end I had to take away his nook since that caused extra stimulation. The seal that is created to keep the pressure slowly started leaking and he needed his sticker changed again, so back in bed he went. He did fairly well with this change but he needed some time in bed so I could pump. Right before I started pumping, I noticed he looked white as a sheet. I had Amy check him and it was basically from the shock of everything that went on. By the time I was done pumping, he was pink again. I was fried from everything that went on. I couldn't even get the steps down for labeling the milk. Amy handed me a sticker, I found the pen to write the date and time and handed her the sticker back. I still had the milk sitting in front of me and she looked puzzled as to why I gave it back to her. Hell, I was puzzled too.

Hubby finally showed up after the major storm was done. That was good. I was able to let my mind rest and regroup. Boy looked so peaceful now. He wasn't working hard to breath and maintained his vitals well. Just as we were thinking about leaving the chaplain showed up. Yup. He as the timings. He sat down and talked with us about what just happened and offered a prayer for Boy for which I cried through.

Hubby and I then went home exhausted and praying no more calls would come in. So far they haven't. Thank God.

Next Step

2011-09-15T15:32:00.001-05:00

So it is officially over. The pregnancy is completely done. I just went to my 6 week follow up exam and got the blessing of I'm completely back to normal. I'm very sad. I'm still supposed to be running around feeling like a house and cleaning the house and having a baby shower. Instead I've given birth, completely healed, and still won't be able to be a real mommy for another few months. I'm going back to work without having had the break to bond with my son. Yes I've bonded but it's always with strangers around. It's for his own good but it's still not like if you were alone and bonding.

My boobs still hurt. Attaching a pump several times a day is just wrong and unnatural. It has to be done though to give him the best food. Someday maybe he'll be able to nurse. Right now the food just magically fills his tummy and he's a happy boy then. I just wonder if this pumping ever gets better.

Child care plans have been decided too. Boy will be quarantined for the whole winter due to his lung issues. No daycare, no home daycare, no place where a child is. Looking at the financial reasons, I'm not the choice to stay home. Hubby is going to be quitting his job and staying home to raise our child while I work. I'm sad about this too. It would be nice to stay home and raise him. Right now I'm the only one that goes to see him and spend time with him every day. I have not missed a day yet seeing him and don't plan on changing that. Hubby, however, is lucky to make it every other day. That would kill me.

Dammit. Ovary is hurting again. Time to go punch them.

Purge and Vent

2011-08-29T22:51:00.002-05:00

I've just gotta spew this out no matter how bad it is going to sound. It's my feelings and I'm obviously not stable in the noggin.

First warning is I took a sleeping pill and I'm still awake. This shit must really be eating me.

One of my vents is how sick I am of telling people how Cletus is doing. I was at a wedding this last weekend and I swear that is all people wanted to talk about. People I didn't even know knew about him and wanted to know how he was doing. I'm done for now people. I need a break. (This is for real life people)

I'm exhausted. I haven't slept decent since he was born with trying to pump in the middle of the night and the thought of the hospital possibly calling in the back of my head. Falling asleep has been hard lately and it's starting to eat at me.

Next is this pumping thing. This is hard shit. If I had a baby home and he cried, I'd feed him and not think twice no matter how often he cried. If I'd ignore it, he'd cry even more and I wouldn't have peace. With pumping, when it's time, then I should do it. If I don't, there's no ramifications to remind me. It's all on me. That gets tiring too. I know it's good for him to have and all that stuff but every stinkin pump sucks and is not enjoyable. I don't get the feel good hormones since it's a pump and I swear I don't make enough. Since I don't feel like I make enough, I'm taking half the vitamin store worth of herbs and shit to make more. I smell funny and it's more pills to take. I keep thinking 3 months is my goal and after that fuck it. It's not my kid will be able to come home and exclusively have my milk. Since he's so tiny he will have to have my milk mixed with some other shit and formula to super charge it for the first year. The whole thought of saving money by breast feeding is going out the window since I'll have to buy formula anyway.

Going to see him has turned into a terrifying event to me now on a daily basis. What is he going to do today while I'm there? How sick will he get? Will he keep his oxygen up so the alarm doesn't go off all afternoon? How uncomfortable will he get during a feed? What is going to happen to the other new fragile babies around him? It is so hard to keep in mind that he is so fragile and in the NICU for a reason. Today alone I had to watch his heart rate drop low and his oxygen in his blood turn to almost nothing. He was so blue. He was just limp and lifeless as the nurses stimulated him back to life. It's so hard to see that one of these times he may not come back. I'm trying to be strong and tell myself this is what premature babies do but this is killing me more as time goes on. Tonight he did it right while I was holding him. That really hurt. I'd like to thing that as his mother that I can make everything ok but here he was almost dead in my arms. I can't keep up the strong front. I'm too tired to. I need a break from this. I feel like I'm the only one in this right now. Hubby has to work and is trying to make extra money so we aren't completely broke while I'm off of work so he doesn't have the time to devote to him. I feel so guilty if I wouldn't be there as much as I am now. I'm off of work to spend time with my child and won't have this time soon. He's my child for Christ sake. How can I just not see him for a day? It's bad enough that he's not home for me to care for and I have to abandon him daily. I know that's why he is where he is and he's being cared for but he's still my child dammit.

Ok. I need to find my big mommy pants and try and pass out for a new day. Something has to give.

2011-08-21T18:55:00.001-05:00

It has been a long 18 days. My heart has gone through all emotions known to man. Nothing beats it like the feeling of my son against my chest for the very first time. He melted right onto me and was so happy. Sometimes a guy just needs his mom.

I'm In Love

2011-08-07T20:22:00.003-05:00

Tuesday morning I woke up and knew it wasn't going to be a good after still having belly issues after writing the constitution and the bill of rights all over again. I had contractions and pressure and knew something was up. I had an ultrasound that morning to check the fluid levels and my cervix. The fluid had dropped and the cervix had thinned out. Cletus's head was so low that I swear she just held the probe near my crotch and you could see his head. I made it back to my room and tried to lay to stop the contractions I was having. That was no dice. I put my foot down to take a shower. My nurse was cool with it. We were pretty much on the same page of get a shower in now because this is not looking to be a good day. I showered and contracted and made it back into bed. Doc was consulted and it was decided to up the magnesium. Aww yeah...I was stoned. I didn't eat lunch because I didn't care and my stomach wasn't up to it. I stared at the walls mumbling prayers. I was talking out of my ass too. It was kinda fun except for still having contractions. During the stoned hours my contractions slowed to 12 minutes apart. When I came out of the haze, they went back to 6. That's too many. Up went the magnesium again. I was snowed for probably 15 minutes this time which is very short. The contractions stayed the same. During this time they prepped my room for delivery. That sobered me up really quick. Doc came back in after this round and checked me said that it was time. It was time to stop the magnesium and get the stitches out. I was relieved and scared shitless all at the same time. We waited for the nicu team and neonatologist to get in and be ready. Once everyone was in place, up went my legs and the doc dove in to cut the stitches. I was immediately 3 cm dilated. The contractions remained and slowly got stronger. I was progressing great. I made it to 5 cm within 2 hours. I was told take some pain meds now or it will be too late. I was not going to be pushing without something. The contractions sucked at this point. The iv drugs took the edge off. Then the shit wore off. I stalled at 5 cm for 2 hours with stronger contractions. Doc said it would be time to start the pitocin to get this show on the road. I put my foot down and said no pitocin til I have an epidural. By this time I was beaten. I moaned through every contraction. I felt like I was screaming. I couldn't wait for the epidural. When the anesthesiologist finally showed she had me sit up for this. This was the most torture in my life! I was on the crack of where the labor bed broke down. Boy's head was trying to peek out my ass and that hurt like hell. Then add the contractions on and boy was that worst pain in my life. I was the screamer. Of course I had to hold still and not move a bit. I will never wait that long again. Once the drugs took affect I was soooooo happy. I could still feel the pressure of boy trying to pop out but I had no pain. Within an hour I was at 8 cm and ready push. I just needed that pain relief and relaxation. The whole team descended on the room. I didn't care that I had a whole baseball team lookin at my cootch. It was an unkept cootch to boot. Just the day before I had asked hubby to bring my trimmer in and I was going to take care of the Amazon one way or another. Oh well. I'm sure they didn't care but still crossed my mind. We did a test push and then it was time. There everyone stood with a finger up their nose waiting for my next contraction. Thumbs were twiddling, including mine. Then it finally came. 4 rounds of pushing was all I needed. I must say that boy's shoulders overroad the epidural and that hurt like heck but it was over quick. His cord was cut and he was handed over to the nicu team. They worked on him and I did get to hear him squeak. My baby boy was here. Doc and the resident were busy at work in my crotch but I didn't care. Before the nicu team left, they let me touch his little hand. It was surreal. He was so tiny. He was whisked off to the nicu and still needed to give birth to the placenta. So there we twiddled again. It just wasn't coming out. In the end they ended up shooting some pitocin directly into the placenta and some heavy pressure got it to let loose. They cleaned up and soon I was just waiting to feel my legs to go see my boy. That took a couple of hours and I was exhausted but nothing could keep me from him. Off we went and I got to see my perfect baby. The poor guy was hooked up to a respirator and had lines all over the place. I was in love. I could go to sleep then.

The days since have been a blur. That first day was a painful exhausting mess. I came home on the second day. It was so bittersweet. I was finally released from my prison after 3 weeks. On the other hand I was going home without my child. The rest of this week was spent sleeping, pumping and getting to know our son. I'm more in love now that ever. I pray God doesn't take this precious child away from us. He's made it this far and is strong as ever. I know it can change on a dime but hopefully his stubbornness will win.

I want to thank everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts, good wishes and everything our way. So far it has helped and I'm sure we wouldn't be where we are without everything. I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This May Be It

2011-08-02T16:37:00.001-05:00

I've been contracting since 8am. At first I thought it was colon issues and a good sit in the bathroom would cure it. Sounded smart but not it.

I had my ultrasound this morning too. Beaner's puddle has gotten smaller. Poor guy. My cervix is either thin or thick depending on what side you looked. His head was right down there.

The contractions continued after I got back. Some bleeding kicked up. I was miserable. My belly is tender. I swear boy is trying to play peek a boo out of my asshole.

*breath breath*

Doc came and checked on me. He increased the magnesium and I've been in a stupor all afternoon. Blood work was checked too. No signs of infection so that is promising. The contractions and bleeding continue through the mag.

I just went through the birth plan with my very pregnant nurse. The nicu has been notified. Everyone is on pins and needles. We're all waiting for doc to call the ball.

I'm supposed to be trying to nap. The contractions and pressure are making it hard. I'm getting kinda hungry too. I was too drugged for lunch. I should put the phone down.

I also shouldn't have taken that ride last night. I swear that trip.around campus juggled too much.

Well I was just told my contractions are getting more frequent again. Pray for us.

My Own Prison

2011-08-01T17:08:00.001-05:00

Day 18

I understand now hospital bedrest being compared to prison. This room is just missing bars and the stainless toilet rig. A prisoner has an advantage over me. They can move about their cell. I am stuck in this bed. No chair privileges. I do have my 1 wheelchair ride a day to the outside. I have to have a nurse escort the whole time due to the drugs. It's just getting tough and anybody who is telling me more than 2 more weeks in this state has been getting yelled at. There's no way I can do 10 more weeks like this. I'm pretty sure realistically baby can't stay that long with no water left.

Hubby seems to be holding up ok. I think I he's starting to treat it as of out of sight, out of mind. He's spending less and less time up here. He has complained how uncomfortable the chair is. I know the TV sucks and home is much better. I'm just getting frustrated because how do I feel being stuck up here and he can just go home. I'm probably over sensitive. He's doing a lot to keep the home up but I'm still a bit selfish.

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound to see how the fluid is doing. I have been leaking more lately. Baby's activity has slowed down today. I'm not worried about it. He's always been harder to feel and his heart is strong. I'm just afraid that what little fluid he had is now gone and we will be looking at delivery now. I just want to make it to 27 weeks. I'm 25wk 3 days today. It'd be ok but not far enough for me.

As for the day on top, that is the number of days I've been in the hospital this time. Add another 17 days for this whole ordeal. It sure has been a long month.

Bedrest News

2011-07-30T12:38:00.001-05:00

One of the shitty things about being on bed rest and whole flow of my room is the difficulty I have typing on my computer. I keep thinking of blog updates but it's too much of a pain to type it out. Enough I say! I'm setting up the email posting again or emailing myself the post from my phone or something to make it work. I can point and click til the cows come home with the help of the flying Dell mouse.
This last week has been up and down and not so much baby related. It seemed every other day sucked. It started with an ear infection on Tuesday. Thursday I started running a fever and death sounded good. Nobody seems to know where the fever came from but I'm glad it's gone. The ear infection doesn't hurt so much now but I still get pains.

Last weekend I almost completely lost my mind. I cracked. Prisoners in solitary have more freedom than I did. I freaked out the family. I made the nursing staff concerned. Hell. I was giving up. My doc had mercy on me on Monday before leaving for vacation. He's allowing me 1 wheelchair ride outside for fresh air everyday as long as everything is behaving. I've gotten to use it every other day this week but it has been a life saver. My mental health has completely changed.

It seems my restrictions haven't been so harsh lately since I'm behaving. I'm taking a few more steps around the room. I'm taking longer, more relaxing and complete showers. I even shaved my own legs today and used separate shampoo and conditioner!

I am still amazed at the fact that I haven't worn a bra at all for over 2 weeks now. Bras and IV tubing don't work well together. Speaking of IV tubing, I no longer have a traditional IV. I blew my most recent one on Thursday. Since it appears I'm going to be here awhile it was decided to do something more permanent. On Thursday I got wheeled down to radiology and got a picc line placed. For those who don't know what these are, lemme give you a basic overview. Basically it's the inside of my upper arm in a tender spot that they numbed up and cut into to find the brachial vein. They popped that open and fished a guide wire in from there into my heart. A quick shot of Xray to prove placement and then the put the plastic tube over it and pulled out the wire. Everything is taped up and now my IV is hook up up there and running almost directly into my heart. Freaky sounding huh?

Cletus has been strong and happy as a clam. His movement is getting stronger and I wish hubby could feel it. He's so deep in my pelvis that I can't feel him move on the outside. We had an ultrasound on Monday to check him and his pool. His pool is still a puddle but not completely dry. He's growing great. His measurements are about a week ahead of his age. Go boy! The stitches are holding well and somehow I grew some cervix back! Yay me! We didn't get new pictures since his head was so low and the lack of fluid for contrast :( The next check will be in another week from now. Such a long wait!

I promise I want to post more but as for right now, it is nap time.

What I've Learned On Bedrest Cont.

2011-07-21T11:10:00.002-05:00

I really miss my 42" with DVR. A 19" tube with basic cable is getting boring.
Sleep is only optional here. Vitals wake me up every hour. The sleeping pill makes me not care but it's still interrupted sleep.
Magnesium makes ya pee like a race horse. I'm up every hour to pee. Unfortunately I have to get someone in here every time to unhook me to go
Some of the nursing staff is becoming family. Sitting and shooting the shit can lift the spirits far.
Straws are your friend. Having a stash in the room helps absent minded serving.
I've gotta pee. Again
My hair has a permanent bed head mark
Never go more than 24 hours without at least a wash cloth hitting your skin. Let your loved ones know
Celebrate small goals along the way. It breaks up the time.
Sometimes you have to tell people to leave you alone and don't feel bad about it.
The only food this hospital can make is grilled cheese. I may try to see if they could make me some tater tots. There's no fries or tots or fried chips here. Damn healthy shit
It's hard to type on a computer in this shape. I'm engineering in my mind a rig for bedridden ladies to use their computer more comfortably
Immediately procure an electric razor. My legs look like the amazon after a week but nobody will come near me with a razor
It is bright to be in a hospital during the biggest heatwave of the year
Nap when you can
My uterus is getting bitchy so I better wrap this up and get on my side
I have mooned every one on staff here and don't give a shit
Don't try and surf the web after taking the sleeping pill. Ya can't read shit really quick
Maybe I'll add more after my nap

Another Curveball

2011-07-15T18:44:00.004-05:00

These last few days just continued the nightmare from a few weeks ago. It started off with cramps that kept me up at night so I was tired and crabby from no sleep. Thursday morning I woke up a little more moist if you get my drift. Luckily I had an appointment with ultrasound that morning. Hubby and I made our way and I got my Starbucks on the way up with a gut feeling of I wasn't going to be coming back down. They were running behind which is rare. The cramps were killing me and hubby rubbed my belly diligently. We finally made it back for the ultrasound and I asked the tech if she could take a look at the fluid just to make sure.

Good fucking thing I did.

We met with the doc after and when he started going through the current med list to scratch on a post it I knew we were in for it. Cletus's swimming pool is now a puddle. Where the fluid went was a mystery at this time but the cramps with it were not a good sign.

Off to the hospital room I went. I got tucked in. Doc came to visit and scared the shit out of me. Infection, immediate birth, and scenarios were spewed at me. A neonatologist was sent in. I sent her away til hubby got back. He ran home quick to grab my bag. We did the consult and got the statistics and odds and what to expect. She left and the meltdown began. It had to come out.

I melted and then drooled on myself with the mother of all headaches. Turns out the drugs to stop the cramping and/or contractions are notorious for headaches. I drooled and then got some Tylenol. That somehow did the trick.

Doc came back in the evening and some signs were pointing towards a uti but he wanted to have a catheter sample to test. That one came back negative. He poked at my belly and then felt pretty confident that the infection was not my uterus and the whole scenario of immediate birth would be reduced.

We made it through the night and labs were repeated. They looked the same as yesterday so probably no infection. Yay! Bad news was the dive in the magic baby door did look like amniotic fluid was there but all the tests didn't agree.

Consults were called in around the state. Plans were made and confirmed. Treat me as if the water is broken.

What does that mean you ask? Well, that means a course of several antibiotics by iv and by mouth for 5 days and then see what happens. I'm not talking just pea shooter drugs. I've had 2 different kinds today. One sucked so bad. It burned to beat all hell. My hand swelled up with irritation. I puked my brains out and just was sick. We have to do it again tomorrow but they are going to use some drugs to hopefully make it suck less.

On a side note, I hadn't lost cervix since Monday. Go figure. Doc said that was the last of his worries right now. I'm just glad the stitches are up there and holding.

Now we are just relaxing and gestating. I will be in the hospital for the duration. I hope it it's 10 weeks at least but prepared for less. Every day is a blessing and I will treat it as such.

It's All About Routine

2011-07-09T09:44:00.003-05:00

I've set myself into a routine here at home which is helpful for my sanity. Want to hear how it goes? No? Well tough shit, you're getting it anyways....

8ish: wake up and stumble to livingroom, get coffee from whoever is here, maybe, and eventually get something to eat from them, watch morning news, maybe a movie or computer or just drool

10ish- Watch Price Is Right and feel bad that Drew has been pressured to wreck the show

11ish-Start thinking about lunch and that I probably should take a shower

Noonish- Eat while watching the news, hit the shower for real

1ish-330ish- Nap time in the bed! Stretch out and try and nap. If that doesn't work, watch The Doctors, read my Kindle, or just drool

4ish- Back up in recliner. Bust out computer and surf for various things (baby stuff, vehicles, yarn) Start to think about dinner

Sometime after 5- Dinner! Also start knitting another hat

7ish-prime time tv begins!

9ish-take drugs

30 min post drugs- pass out and sleep like a rock

Sounds like a rock star life huh?

Really, having these knitting looms to make hats has been a God send from one of my friends. It gives me something to focus on in the evening and not go bat shit crazy now. The hats are nothing fancy. I hate strict directions. I'm just enjoying making beaners for Beaner :) Any extras will be donated to my hospital. Lord knows that at a hat an evening I can probably make a few :) When I'm back in the hospital I'm pretty sure I can fit 2 a day into my schedule.

How long til the next hospital stay you ask? I couldn't tell you a bit. Doc wouldn't commit to the criteria for readmission either. He did, however, have me book the next two weeks of appointments so that seems promising :) The ultrasound that we had on Thursday showed my cervix was still nice and closed and about 1.7 cm yet. That was a net loss of .2 cm from my discharge last Sunday. He said he was very happy with that. Beaner was just havin himself a gay ol time in his resort. Got some new 3D pics of him where he doesn't look so much like a pig. I would have had them scanned in but not allowed to be doing that....

I think I may break my routine a little bit here to score a short nap before the Saturday fun begins :) Cleaning and movie night!

I Never

2011-07-06T17:47:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd see the day that my mother would shave my legs for me....this is going to be a long few months...

What I've Learned On Bed Rest

2011-07-04T20:41:00.002-05:00

I get a headache every afternoon
Eating semiupright is a highlight and I wear a lot of food
I can't eat nearly as much but I need to eat more often
There's still going to be abdominal discomfort
You become aware of everything your body is outputting
Don't ever turn down the stool softner if you are put on bed rest
The blimp has nothing on me for gas in the evenings
Try and sit up or roll a round a bit every hour or so to burp yourself
I have way too much time to think about things and analyze them
Crying can happen at any second
Hubby is finally showing signs of frustrations and that make me cry more
Life is so much better in my own living room, bed, bathroom, and with my own tvs
I'm finally recognizing more kicks from Cletus
Don't quit drinking fluids. Gotta find a happy medium between hydration and potty runs
I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do for leg shavings and eye brow waxing
If my mother's grandbaby is threatened, she will step up to the plate to help
Sleeping pills are the only way to get through this. I don't do enough activity in a day get tired enough to sleep
Hospital food blows. I will never eat red grapes again
I know I will be back in the hospital for more bed rest and treatment, I just don't know how soon
My cat was paid off by hubby to sleep on me so I wouldn't move. He admitted it.
Zero gravity loungers may be the work of God for getting a bed ridden person in fresh air
Yeast infections can scare you enough to think you have an infection
Don't let hubby touch the AC again
I have put myself on a personal ban of Google for my situation. It is way too bleak on there
I am amazed at how some family has stepped up, others are still missing, and what true friendship really is
Disability paperwork should never have to be done at the time of crisis
Why does Aflac make you wait to send in the claim til the EOB arrives?
How does a family plan for a baby shower now?
The one nurse really did notice the vibrator in my shower bag. She's not that dumb.
Hubby is passed out now. Looks like I have to get my own milk.
It's now 9pm. Time to take the nightly drugs! Would somebody please chart them for me?

Hell On Earth

2011-07-01T09:57:00.002-05:00

Monday was a day of joy and excitement to find out what gender Cletus really is and to peek in and see how he was growing. It quickly turned into an emergent whirlwind of panic and terrifying events.

My first clue was when after the transabdominal ultrasound the tech said we were doing a transvaginal ultrasound. Those usually don't go together. On that version the tech was very quit taking measurements of black blobs on the screen. I know that black on the screen is not good unless it is the fluid. I still tried to stay upbeat.

Next stop was the visit with the doctor. It took him a few minutes to get in there. The good news is that Cletus is growing strong and has a dingus :) My baby boy :) Bad news is, however, my cervix was dilating. A quick speculum exam to take swabs and two fingered salute and off in a wheel chair I was to the hospital room. I spent Monday night with my head down and feet up with a catheter in and I was confined. The nurse had troubles finding Cletus's heartbeat. I didn't worry because he always has been a hider. During that time was the most forceful movements I have felt from my boy. He was giving me swift kicks in the cooter. Very odd feeling.

We survived the night into Tuesday. Tuesday was surgery day. They were going to sew my cervix back shut. Down to the OR we went. It was my first spinal. It wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst. They started to get down to business and luckily they gave me the good stuff to make me sleep. After a blink of an eye were done. I was in the recovery room feeling fine and numb. It was great. Wish I could stay in that state. Surgery worked. Barely. The bag of waters was down into the vagina and they tried every sort of way to get it back up without touching it. None of those worked. In the end the nurse had to push it back up with her finger while the doc did his fancy stitching. As the numbing wore off, I was in pain. I just had everything shoved up my cootch. The drugs made for a relaxing night and a fantastic night of sleep.

Wednesday morning doc was in to discuss the longer term plan. I'm referring to this day as Melt down Wednesday. I completely lost it after he left. The whole situation finally sunk in. My baby is still in grave danger. He's not old enough to be viable outside of me and there the risk of the amniotic bag breaking due to a weakness because it fell so low. The sutures may not hold or contractions could start and not stop. I cried. I cried hard. I was alone. Hubby was still at home. My mother called and she freaked out too. It was just the hard reality hitting me. I had to grieve. I had to do it instead of bottling it up and being blind sided if worse happens. I have to be realistic. When hubby showed up, I told him what was going on. I broke down again and told him what I want to name our son if he doesn't make it. No mother should ever have to chose a name for a dead child. No one. The day continued into night. I tried to get back to upbeat and hunker down for the long haul.

Thursday was more upbeat. I got questions answered from the doc that gave me more of a realistic look at what my situation is. It doesn't seem as bleak as the day before but it is still very very dangerous. I visited the best I could with my visitors. I was just exhausted and basically fell asleep right after dinner. I'm sure getting my catheter out and having shower really helped with making me tired. It felt great to shower and be moving a little more.

Today is the first check up on the sutures. It also meant a trip via wheelchair out of this room. First time since Tuesday. It was a quick ultrasound. Things are definatly better but waiting for the doc. It isn't as tight as a regular pregnancy so I'm not sure if we are still in serious danger or if it what he expected or better than he expected. This wait is getting to me.

30 weeks gestation is the ideal goal for the baby now. We hit the milestone of 21 weeks this week. Each day is a celebration. That would give me a September baby. I would be thrilled. Until then I will be in a bed day in and day out. It is a challenge. My mind is playing tricks on me already. I don't know if that bed will be at home or at the hospital the whole time. I just know I will be banned from the world for the next few months.

It is just amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye.

Half Way There!

2011-06-24T17:58:00.004-05:00

Today is the official halfway point of Cletus's journey to this world via my cootch.

What have we learned this far?

If the first trimester goes well, the second is going to be a nightmare.

One day you look a little pudgy and the next you wonder how the hell you could look more pregnant than you are now.

You can hurt yourself in your sleep. I've done this several times now.

Carpal tunnel is a bitch. Damn you extra fluid.

Your abdomen can feel like it's ripping and not actually be.

I miss cheeseburgers.

I still don't know if it's gas or the kid.

I wonder what it's like to party til bar close again.

Wiping is only going to get worse before it gets better.

None of my shoes fit anymore.

You can eat nonstop all day and not gain weight.

I'm more scared shitless now than before about having to take care of a kid. I'm sure it'll be fine but getting adjusted will suck. I don't adjust to change well.

Cue Hormones...

2011-06-05T08:08:00.002-05:00

Yup. It has gotten to the best of me. I now feel like a fat, unwanted, unattractive piece of shit.

I know I shouldn't feel this way but the culmination of this week has really hit my ego hard.

First off, let's have an office full of guys come up to me and ask if we are hiring the new hot chick. She's skinny. She's pretty. She's young. I don't think I've ever in my life heard those words uttered about me and here I have all my male coworkers coming up to me saying this. Ouch. Thanks guys. I feel really great about myself now.

Hubby has been working on the family farm all week. I understand that. The planting needs to be done. The part that hurt was that the planting is now done as of yesterday and he wants to be gone looking to help someone with a house remodel. Umm..Hello? What about your wife and future kid? Don't you think they want to spend some time with you? That there are things around the place that you pay the mortgage on that need to be done just as bad as the planting? You really don't want to be around your wife?

I'm also hard on myself. I look in the mirror and I don't see anything of me prepregnancy. My hair is uncooperative and short now. The color is horrendous since I can't get my highlights done. My face just does not have good texture or glow. It makes me sick to look at it. The rest of my body has grossities that cropped up since the pregnancy started and I just hate it. I hope it's just temporary but who knows.

I just wish I could find a way to make myself feel attractive or at least not hideous right now. Off to the corner to cry now....

Stressed Out Panic

2011-05-24T18:55:00.002-05:00

As if pregnancy hormones weren't enough to put a chick on the edge of sanity, then my job has to chime in.

This week there are supposed to be 3 firings and 2 have already quit. For a company of less than 50, that is a lot of people! It fucks with schedules. It may push me into a more physically demanding position for awhile til people can be hired and trained to replace. I just don't have it in me. If it gets to that I'll probably call the doc and see if he can excuse me from that type of work. My ol' ticker just can't deal with that much stress.

One of the firings is my counter part who shares the same job title and description as me. This useless piece of colon waste needed to be fired along time ago. Every month it seems like he fucks something up and is supposed to be fired but somehow sweets talks his way out of it. It will be a believe it when I see it but I'm hoping the infraction this time will be severe enough to seal the deal. Basically, he turned in his work phone due to reception issues. The phone was wiped and then was borrowed by a minor relative of the boss. Well, a day later boss was hanging with the minor and they were fiddling with phones. Low and behold, here's pictures of the idiot's junk from all angles. That goes against company policy and now his minor relative was exposed to cock shots of this moron. I hope this is enough to get the job done.

Cletus the Fetus is doing good as far as I can tell. Waiting for the day that he/she starts kicking the shit out of me to let me know all is good. They say the second trimester is the easy one. I'm not thinking so. I'm still tired as all hell. Eating my brains out. Still can't touch real beef. My boobs feel like needles are being stuck through my nipples and my feet are swelling like beach balls. Oh well.

The holiday weekend will be fun. Spending it at my sister's place. My parents will be there. I'm not really looking forward to this. I can't stand my sister bitching about my parents and my parents being morons. I'll grin and bear it though. Hope everyone else is doing something more fun. I'm going to bed.

Vacation Blues

2011-05-15T20:29:00.003-05:00

I don't want to go back yet I have guilt being away from work. This is sad. Nobody should ever feel guilty for putting their job aside for a few days. My phone still blew up through the vacation and I responded to those who I felt like responding to. I wish I could have time away where I wouldn't feel the need to do that or even feel the need to have my work phone along. The only bright part is I'm going to dock the time that I had scheduled as vacation time and submit the hours. They know they need to learn how to get along without me devoted to it every damn hour of the day but still they can't let me go.

When I wasn't fiddling with work shit, vacation was fun and much needed. I spent time with my girls. Another one was pregnant so I wasn't sober alone. The other 2 drank enough for all of us and the babies. It was amusing. I'm tired as hell. I took a couple hour nap before I even unpacked the car.

At my first baby appointment they did a depression screening. I failed it. Since I haven't been able to completely kick my antidepressant from the last time I needed treatment, we figured it'd be a good idea to go back on it full time. I was excited to feel happy and content again. I started feeling better and then I remembered one of the side effects of treatment. I have completely lost my sex drive. I have no desire. It's hard to get the motor running. I hate this.

I should just go to bed and try again tomorrow.

13 Weeks and Some Other Shit

2011-05-07T09:12:00.003-05:00

I'll start with some other shit. The weather here is finally starting to feel like it should. This is a good thing since Cooterfest is next week and we'll be out camping in our old tent with no electricity or running water. This is crazier than shit this year since I can't drink and neither can another Cooter because she's pregnant too. This is a first in the many many years of this Fest. Instead of getting plastered by noon I plan on doing some quality reading, laughing, and pissing on nature. Oh shoot, that reminds me. I need to blow up my new air mattress to make sure there's no defects in it. I better get packing today. Wednesday is coming awfully quick!

Yesterday my neighbors and best friends got hitched at the courthouse. Actually I assume that they did. Haven't heard from them since before the time. This was a technicality wedding in my eyes. They are doing the whole chapel service and reception in October. This hurry up vows was due to her losing her job due to reorganization and they closed her office. Let me also add she's in the middle of an IVF cycle. They are some of the luckiest in the country with her insurance covering fertility treatments. Luckily she has a long enough severance package with benefits to make it through the end of this cycle but then if she doesn't have a job and is pregnant, then what? Hence the wedding. She can get on her now husband's insurance and not have a lapse in coverage. Congrats to the happy couple :) Hopefully I can waddle down the aisle for them in October :)

I really want to know who came and threw up all over my house this week. I wasn't here much and when I was I was asleep. I'm looking around now and seeing all the filth and clutter and I now know what the hell I'm doing today!

I would like to also touch on these damn gas prices. The good ol President has seemed to have enjoyed the kick in the shorts to the American public because it gives him more open ears to his clean energy plans. How the fuck are we supposed to buy new cars that support clean energy when we can't afford the fucking gas to get to the fucking job to make the money to buy the new car?? Swift thinking there dude. First make these things available and at an affordable price and have the infrastructure available to support these vehicles, then start putting the pressure on the oil consumption ok? If I bought a natural gas car right now, first I don't know where I could get one and what kind of lead time. Second, there's not that many places around here that have natural gas pumps! 5 more years and I'll run for president on healthcare reform and energy replacement with brains.

Lastly, Cletus the Fetus is 13 weeks old! Yay!!! Since I have ultrasound on staff at work, yesterday I had one do me a scan. It is so amazing and surreal that there is an actual human in my belly that I haven't expelled in some sort of colonic upset. That little grain of sand with a flutter in it now actually has a head and some arms and legs and a big ol umbilical cord. I got to see some ninja kicks and spasms. I didn't feel any of them but I'm sure I will in time. I don't think it has really set in that there really is a little human in there. I see pictures. I feel like shit. They tell me these are all signs of it but until I get punched or kicked, I don't know if it will really set in. Either way, I have so much love for that black and white static looking thing. I've now made it past the miscarriage phase. I wonder if my sister will talk to me now. She wouldn't accept the pregnancy and get excited until this point because she's seen too many miscarriages. Not sure if this is a good thing since the last time she did talk to me she reamed me a new asshole for my choice in doctors and that I'm going to be diabetic because I'm such a fucking fat ass and I need to start being treated like I am now and I'm going to hurt my baby because I'm going to be diabetic because I'm so fat. Yeah. Enough with that. I'm just so happy that I could give myself the Mother's Day present of pictures of my baby. I emailed one to my parents and just sent the whole exam on a cd up with hubby for his parents. I think the Grandmas will be happy with the pictures too. On a side note, this little one is being an overachiever too. According to the measurements and the Borg (not everyone knows what company I'm talking about but will chuckle if they do), my little one is measuring a week ahead of gestation. He/she is measuring out at 14 weeks when it's only 13 weeks. Lord help my vagina if this keeps up.

Spring! Really?

2011-04-23T09:06:00.002-05:00

I'm so ready for spring. The calendar technically says that it is. The weather, on the other hand, is so full of shit that it stinks. This last week we had a 10" snow fall blizzard. It busted trees. There was tons of thunder and lighting like you'd expect with a rain storm but instead the skies spewed mass amounts of frozen white shit. This happened on Tuesday/Wednesday. I still have snow piles in my yard. Since then we've had a couple days of light rain. The tradition that was started for the grandkids at the inlaws is the annual Easter egg hunt in the yard. This year we may need to use a canoe and fishing nets! In just 3 short weeks I'm going camping. I will not freeze my preggo ass off this time!

So moral of my story, Mother Nature better get her shit together and right quick.

No new news on the baby front. He/she is gestating away happily. My friend asked me if I bought maternity clothes yet last night. I wonder if that was her hint that my fat gut is really starting to stick out and time to put some long shirts on. I swear my boobs blew up again over the last day or so. They don't look the same. I also figured out why the Duggars have so many kids. The pregnancy sex is sooooo awesome that you just want to keep having it for years to come! I have not been able to reach orgasm this easily since I was a teenager! I love it! I want to bottle it and use it for the 70 years!

Happy Easter to all and I hope you all eat tons of chocolate bunnies for me!

Holy Hooters Batman!

2011-04-09T08:17:00.002-05:00

I need to go shopping. It's not the kind of oh shit I need something cute for some event kind of shopping. It's the kind of shopping that I need something but I can't fit into anything I got. This time it's bras. The girls don't wedge into anything now that I own. The semi big bras can't even holster them in. I picked up a bra a couple of weeks ago with hubby when I had to retire about half of my bra stash. Now that is the only one that fits. I can't really wear that one every day so it's time to go shopping! Now I just gotta figure out where to find some decent holsters for a cheap price. Shit. None of my pregnancy books ever tell me if the girls will go back to normal after I get done being a one woman dairy farm.

I'm really sad about this. I have worked hard to have a varied wardrobe of cute bras. I decided many a year back that I would never wear granny bras after I had my shirt lifted by a stripper at my cousin's bachelorette party. That was the ultimate in granny bras and I don't think I was much more than 20 years old. It's bad enough that I reverted back to the panties that come in a six pack. I really don't want to revert my hooters back to granny.

The Ultrasound Is In!

2011-03-26T09:19:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was my early 7 week ultrasound and I was excited and scared in equal parts all at the same time. Hubby came along too. The nice part was the ultrasound tech was the same one that did a fair amount of my scans at the fertility clinic so she already knows my hoo-hoo. In went the probe and go the bearing and there the bean was. Just chillin away. Unfortunately, the damn ovaries were in the way. Well, there was one that was in the way. It had a couple of huge cysts on it and pushing my little bean over. Hubby is calling the cysts the bean's two Olympic sized swimming pools next door. Bean's size is perfectly on schedule for gestational age. There was only 1 bean and that is a relief. I would have loved 2 but 1 is great and more would have been a nightmare. Doctor is pleased and put me on some physical restrictions while those cysts resolve.

So without further adieu, let me introduce you to AverageBaby!

Rip VanAverageChick

2011-03-20T11:14:00.003-05:00

Sleeping. It seems that's all I'm doing lately. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Repeat.

The boredom and lack of excitement is killing me! Spent yesterday with the family. My mother can't follow directions so I ended up with a crew of family heading towards my trashed pile of bricks. Add on I heaving my brains out and the day was complete! I got people detoured to the local burger joint instead of my house and that started the fun. French fries really do cure morning sickness. Then the womens of the family were off to a baby shower. The men folk packaged up and headed to the local airplane museum.

The lady who's shower we were at was glowing and looking as big as the present table. I'm impressed with her shower. One game to be played through the gift opening and good food galore. I think that was the most pleasurable shower I've been at in a long long time. The extended family was there and some were complete assholes and some were pleasant. Two piss trips and a pile of vegetables and we were off.

By this time jeans were very uncomfortable after having to sit upright and human like in a chair. My mom's driver seat wasn't very comfortable either so I had mentioned it. I then followed up that my sister didn't need to call me a pussy, that I know. She just said that this ain't shit yet and to suck it up. My mother laid into then. Wow. Frankly, I'm really hurt by my sister. She's refusing to share any joy in this and is a Debbie Downer. She said she won't be happy til the first trimester is done and until then she's not getting her hopes up til then. I was happy for her right off the bat, be it first trimester or not. I guess I should have known that whatever joy I ever put forth for family members in there time of celebration will never come back to me. Yes. I am bitter.

My mother also mentioned that we should get family pictures done real soon before the next member is here. That's the last thing I want is a picture of me. My hair needs a highlight job. I got horrible roots. I'm also feeling like a 14 with the breakout I'm having. It's kicking me in the ass since I survived the suicidal tendencies of Accutaine. That was some awesome shit and I'd let my kid take it in a heartbeat if it has to be. I know it's all hormones but nothing irritates me more more than having to pop zits on my face again.

Dinner after the shower was fun. Grandparents entertained the grandkids and I finally got to talk with the sister's newish BF. He's a hoot! I like this guy! We got to talk geek a bit and sis and hubby's faces just went blank.

After dinner we hung out at their hotel pool. There was no way I was swimming. We had more of the little ones from the family come so us adults just hung out and watched the kids and shot the shit. Spent about an hour in there and my bewitching hour passed and I was falling asleep in the chair. What freakin fun! Home we came and had the permanent smell of bleach burnt into our noses and mouths. Yuck!

Another night of sleep in and here we are! Rainy and depressing. I'm thinking it's a great day for naps and trying this laying around thing :)

Time Sure Flies!

2011-03-11T16:29:00.002-06:00

Time sure flies when you just want to be home! I was on the road all damn week and finally got back yesterday. Can't have that big of news fall in my lap and not want to be home to share in the joy! Hubby and I did have a bit of a fight while I was gone but distance was the problem. Things are much better now. I'm just waiting for him to tell me to quit celebrating and window shopping. Pretty soon I'm going to tell him the baby's room better get ready soon.

I finally had the blood test and now it is official. My hormone levels look real good and there is no question that I am knocked up! The official due date was calculated. Get this: 11/11/11. That would be soooo cool!

The first ultrasound is scheduled for March 25 now. We will be able to hear the heart beat at that one. First official doctor visit isn't until April though.

I busted the news to work right away. Boss is really supportive and happy for me. He's even sounding more accommodating to allowing me work from home more. Score!

I'm going to get back to baby and maternity shopping :)

Drum Roll Please..The Results Are In.....

2011-03-05T05:53:00.003-06:00

This is the first hurdle and I love and appreciate all who have supported me up til this point. Now is the long journey to saying hi to this little bundle of joy! :)

Saturday Check In

2011-02-26T09:19:00.003-06:00

I'm stuck in the waiting period of wondering if every little twinge is a hitchhiker attaching on. Oh God I pray so.

In other news, travel for work is just getting fucking busy. I passed on a trip to Massachusetts this week and ended up going to the northern most part of Upper Michigan. Damn that place is desolate. Before I even make it back home I have another request for travel and this time to Ohio. I figure I've been passing on the these trips enough and I better agree to this one. I need the little extra money I get for travel since it is the only way I can make any more at this company. There's also a little fringe benefit of meeting up with a Tweeter/Blogger/Talk show superstar Matty :) That should prove to be fun and entertaining :)

This weekend has a whole lot of nothing planned into it. I'm happy for that. Last night I went out to dinner with hubby. I was tired as hell and had a splitting headache but I wanted some fried chicken. Backing out of the driveway I was stressed with not seeing who was coming due to snowbanks and then trying to not to hit the recycling bins and then BANG! I backed right into a car that was parked on the street where there usually isn't one. FUCK. Examination of the other vehicle showed several crimps and dents that already had rust around them so it couldn't have been me. My car only had some salt displaced. Thank God! I hate this winter. When will this shit be done??

Keepin A Chick Down

2011-02-18T18:18:00.003-06:00

I'm going to climb the walls here pretty soon.

I survived all the shots and work for the past week or so. I'd come home. Make something quick for dinner and pass out. The last few days have included getting up early for ultrasounds and a shot. Then today was the day. I at least got to sleep in 15 minutes past the time that I normally get up for work. I showered (mind you I forgot to use soap on the body) and sat down with some coffee and watched the news. I never do that! Finally hubby got up and did his duty into a cup and off we went. We dropped the boys off at the clinic to get a shower and we went to breakfast. Never knew the Ihop would be considered foreplay. After breakfast we trekked back to the clinic and I got nekkid from the waste down. It was time to make the deposit. The nurse dove in and ripped my hootie-hoo open with the salad tongs and started poking and pulling. She had a rough time finding the glory hole. She said I better get pregnant after all the work she did trying to find it. I wonder if that was part of my problem? It was not the most pleasant experience I've had. It hurt. I felt like I was going to pee in her face but I know it's not as bad as child birth. Hubby was there to see me wince in discomfort and hold my breath while slowly wiggling around. He needed to see the shit I'm going through. Once the catheter was placed it was a matter of seconds and it was done. Out it came and then had to lay there for 10 minutes. That was a good thing otherwise I'm sure I would have tried to pass out getting up. We trekked home and I tried to relax. Eventually I napped and 4 hours later figured it be high time to get the hell out of bed.

Hubby is now torturing me with his genre of movies that he likes. I can't stand them. It's going to be a long night if this shit keeps up. Not to mention I feel like there's a war going on in my belly and someone punched me repeatedly.

If I were a state worker, mainly a teacher, I would have been home today "protesting" the governor's budget plan. Bunch of pansy ass motherfuckers. Welcome to the got damn real world where the rest of us has to pay for our insurance and contribute to our retirement. After hearing that one of my high school classmates makes the same salary as I do and only working half a year, I have no sympathy since I work the whole year, pay half my insurance premium for shitty coverage and contribute to myself to the only form of a retirement plan that I can have. I don't have insurance and pensions handed to me on a golden plate. As for collective bargaining, I honestly don't give a shit if you get to keep it. The amount of shit that people whine for and how reasonable it is is squandering state funds to be bargaining this shit. Put your big girl pants on and quit yer bitching. As for the senators who jumped state lines to avoid the topic? You all should be fucking fired. You are "hired" to be the voice of the people and show up to work. If a nurse walked out of work because she didn't want to deal with a patient, her ass would be fired so fucking fast and her license yanked it would make your head spin. Shame on you dumb fuckers and I wish I had the ability to fire y'all.

There. That has been my day and my political minute.

Hotel Breakfast Review

2011-02-08T17:13:00.002-06:00

With being on the road I've had my fair share of hotel breakfasts. Some were outstanding. Some were a friggin joke. I've decided to share my observations and provide tips to hotel owners, if any read this shit, on how to make their breakfasts more appealing.

I judge a hotel a lot by their breakfast. I love food. I really can't hide that fact. I will stay a hotel again just because of their breakfast and a chain because of the other hotels in the chain that have a good breakfast.

First off, I do not really like the pay breakfasts. I usually can get better food down the road. There is no breakfast buffet that is worth $16 in a hotel. My McDonalds breakfast holds me just fine with places like that.

Second, presentation is key. Where I'm at gets a "meh" rating. The breads are all thrown in a plastic box. There's only one hot thing in the corner. 2 pots of coffee. And of course the waffle maker. Nothing interesting. Just all thrown out there. I've been to places that have shit on different levels of the counter. Interesting containers. Decent coffee service. Interesting food that is presented well.

Third, what the hell you are serving. Try and change it up day to day. Us business travelers are generally in your hotel for a few nights and by day 3 of the same ol shit, we are pretty bored. When I was in VA it was cheese omelets and sausage patties the whole freakin week. Change it up with scrambled eggs. Try links instead of patties. If you really want to blow my socks off throw some damn bacon in there! That's what surprised me this morning was bacon on the buffet. It wasn't the best bacon ever but it was good for a change.

Fourth and most importantly, what the hell your customers serve their food onto. This is probably my biggest bitch. Cheapo styrofoam plates and 3 oz glasses are not going to win you my support. Just decent plastic plates help. What will have me is a good cup. One that holds more than 4 oz. A decent coffee cup too. One that I can take out of the hotel without spilling all over myself. When I think about some of the best breakfasts I've had, they all had large enough glasses that I didn't have to go back 2-3 times to refill my milk. I stayed at one place that had actual coffee mugs. Not cups, mugs. They since have discontinued that practice and I've now decided I don't need to stay at that place anymore.

The best breakfast I've had in recent history was in California. Made to order omelet bar. Bacon. Sausage. Fresh fruit. Decent bread selection that was fresh. Waffles. Just an overall good breakfast that was included in the room price.

The worst was a little motel in the northwoods of Wisconsin. Their breakfast was some Hostess donuts (about 3) in a Tupperware container and a coffee urn with the small styrofoam cups. That was not even worth the effort of walking down there.

Tomorrow I'm saying fuck it and going to Waffle House. There I know I'll get a decent breakfast :)

You Ready For Some Football????

2011-02-06T10:22:00.002-06:00

It is the day that is bigger than Christmas around these parts. It is Super Bowl Sunday. Not just any Super Bowl Sunday, but the Super Bowl where the Packers are playing. There has been shit on the news for the past week because it was all focused on what was happening in Dallas. I know that the Walmart across the street from the stadium in Dallas closed at 2 am and will reopen 6 am tomorrow. I know what the NFL experience is like. I've gotten to see a lot of shit that I just don't care about.

I do have my world famous chicken wings on tap for dinner tonight. This shit is da bomb! I kick the ass of all chicken wing makers with my recipe. If ya want it, leave me a comment or email me or something. I'd be happy happy to share my simple goodness that is my chicken wings. I'd be willing to say that this would work for other parts of the chicken too. No, it isn't a low fat fruity tooty meal and I don't intend of figuring out how to make it one. This shit rocks!

I have calmed down a lot since my last post. Actually, I turned into an uberbitch. Take this girl off of hormones and see what happens! The reminder of the failed month has started and it isn't all that bad,yet. That makes me nervous but whatever. Ultrasound bright and early tomorrow. I have gut feeling that this month will be canceled to due to cysts again. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. Otherwise after I do all that fun I'm off to St Louis!

I was supposed to go last week but with the weather that occured, my ass stayed home. I got to change flights for no fee and I really don't care about the rest of the shit. While I'm on my whirlwind tour of STL, I should be meeting up with the lovely CDM :) I'm so excited! It's fun when Twitter/Blog/Reality collide :)

Well, I should really hit the shower and start on the chores for the day. Somedays I wish I had a dumpster and a maid.

Doing Better

2011-01-31T18:24:00.002-06:00

I'm surviving. I've cried. I've screamed. I've mourned.

I've talked. I've thought. I've shared. A plan is in place for more than one cycle now.

I still feel like a failure but I have a plan.

2011-01-29T06:18:00.002-06:00

I failed again.

I can't afford mentally and financially to keep doing this.

What can I do now? Give up? Start adoption? Find a job that has insurance that will cover this?

I'm numb. I'm crying. I'm alone.

Waiting...Worrying....Pacing

2011-01-22T09:59:00.002-06:00

It will be a damn good thing that I'm on the road next week. I need a diversion. Everything is now a waiting game here. I'm worried that I don't "feel" any different other than the wanting to be in bed as soon as I get home from work. That disappoints me but I keep telling myself that it has to be too early. I get the occasional cramp but that is most likely nothing. I know whatever will be will be but this sounded to be the most promising month!

Shit. That reminds me. I should jack up the prescription coverage place. Sent my claim in 2 weeks ago and ain't seen shit. I'm pretty sure Medicare pays faster than that. If they send back the coin, them maybe we can afford to do next month. Or I may just take it off for sanity sake. On the flip side, I have a barely touched open vial of injectables that is only good for 28 days. The drugs I have on hand would probably get me through another cycle so it may be more prudent to go for another round. Ah hell. I'm just so damn confused on what I'm feeling.

Next week I'm off for a week in lovely Virginia for work. I'll be gone the whole week. The only bright side I like about these trips is that Monday and Friday are dedicated travel days. In theory I only work 3 days out of the week. I come back for a half day at the office and then travel again to St Louis the next week. I'm only gone til Wednesday but I'm ok with that.

Technically I can test on Thursday to see if this cycle was successful. That means I still have a full day of work in Virginia so I'm debating on testing Friday before coming home or Saturday so if it is negative I can have my breakdown and disconnect from the world in peace.

I must say that I've been sucky about responding to comments. I'm truly sorry about that. I appreciate each and every comment that is left on here. I thank everyone for your support. Someday this nightmare will end.

I'm off to find some food. That's one thing that has increased is my appetite which I could live without. So can my pants!

Coffee and Quiet Reflection

2011-01-16T08:57:00.002-06:00

I'm a bit of a coffee addict if you will. If it is anytime before bedtime, I'm down for a cup of java. Even up until a short time ago I never truly understood the need for decaf coffee. I always figured if you didn't want the caffeine then what is the point of drinking it. I now know. I've cut back my caffeinated coffee consumption by almost 100%. I just put a little sprinkle of full octane coffee in the basket when I make it now and use decaf the rest of the way. (I do NOT have the desire to go through caffeine withdraws.) The transition hasn't been too bad. Currently I'm just jonesing for a Coke. I know they make caffeine free Coke except my ass hasn't been to a store yet to make it a reality. Hopefully today I'll get out there. After the tree. After the laundry. After a shower...you know the drill.

Baby making has been intensive around here. I started the shots on time and it wasn't all that bad. Then I got tired and the headaches kicked in. Headaches required more drugs which made me more tired. It was a vicious cycle. My first ultrasound was encouraging. I wasn't quiet ready to lay those eggs but everything was growing nicely and in amounts that it should. Continue on the shots for a couple of days and have another ultrasound. The second one showed that I was ready and perfectly controlled to start the next step. The next step was a big shot in the ass and start to have sex. Time for green flag racing folks!

Night 1 was fun. Night 2 was very good but took awhile. Night 3 was painful, lackluster, and just wanted it to be done. I'm glad it was only scheduled for 3 nights in a row. My cootch can't take much more. It hurts. My belly hurts. My clit is a shambles. It all just needs a break!

Today I start the "crotch candy." They are hormone pills up the cooter to maintain the lining to give the hitchhiker a soft landing and something to grab onto. I'm a bit nervous about these. My bff has had a few cycles with them and has been nothing but tired while on them. She takes them only once a day and I'm prescribed to take them twice a day. I went to pick those up yesterday and that leads me to another rant.

The price of this shit is outrageous!! I'm sure boner pills don't cost this much! I went to pick up the crotch candy and the lady said that it was going to be $210. I had all the bank accounts and credit card balances flash in front of my eyes as I became a bit woozy. I then whipped out the hubby's insurance card and asked if they could run it through as a secondary. She said it's one or the other unless if one is a government program (that is a bunch of bullshit but that is for another rant). She ran it through his and $20 was the total. Praise Jeebus! I could handle that! I've also been working on the payments for the ultrasounds. $218 per 15 minutes of ultrasound and consultation. All out of pocket. So this month cost just shy of a grand for less than an hour worth of service. What a racket! I gotta figure out who to talk to about these prices. Well. I hope and pray that this was the only month.

On a lighter note, now that I'm not chained to the penis and prostitution priced ultrasounds, I'm cleared for travel for work again and boy do they want me! I've already turned down 3 trips in this month. I'm home yet this week because I wasn't sure how things were going to time out but next week I'll be going to the lovely state of Virginia and the week after that I will be going to St Louis for a day. I have my trip already planned for food in St Louis. Waffle House, BBQ from SuperSmokers in Eureka, and a short trip to the Butterfly House before my flight back on Wednesday. I find it so odd that I'm flying there. The handful of times that I've been there before I've drove. This time the boss says he doesn't want me driving all that way so instead I must fly from an airport that is 2 hours away. Bless his heart he doesn't want to hear me bitch about driving in winter weather (I've already dealt with an ice storm and blizzard driving to or from St Louis.) or he wants to make sure the momma is safe and reduced stress. Even the bean counter is being nice and making sure that shit is prepaid or that she will have the money ready before my trip for the shit that she can't pay (fuck you rental cars). Good news is is I will be about 1 big trip away from elite status on Airtran as long as I do it in the next 3 months. The way these travel requests are coming in that shouldn't be a huge issue. I've never had that status before with an airline! Hell, I've never even come close!

I'm really freakin hungry now. I should shower, get my grocery shopping done, and make some breakfast then. Enough of my rants, let's hear yours!

Baby Making- The Next Step

2011-01-06T19:42:00.002-06:00

I started off my week with an ultrasound scheduled early Monday morning in anticipation of my visitor visiting over the weekend. Well the bitch never showed. I trucked my happy ass down to that clinic for nothing and was at a loss. I did get a call back saying that chances were good based on my last ultrasound that I had nothing to shed and that is why nothing happened. Ultrasound again scheduled for Tuesday.

Tuesday morning came and I was nervous that my previous hitchhiking cyst would be still there. I was ecstatic to find out it wasn't. I sat down all happy in the nurse's office to plan this cycle. I wasn't ready for that. I figured I'd be taking the round of clomid that I had stashed in my purse, get another ultrasound and an hcg shot and I'd be good to go. I was wrong. Since my lining was so thin and clomid could cause that, she bumped me up to the injectable stimulants. Ok. That will cost a little bit more than the pills but let's get this show on the road!

I returned to work and started looking up shit. I saw the price of getting that drug through Canada and almost fell out of my seat. I freaked the fuck out. I was in full blown panic attack. The pharmacy called and gave their price. It was about a third less than what I found on line but it still was a mint. I freaked the fuck out some more. I called my mom and cried. I freaked out via email to my bff (who is also going through this but has insurance to help pay for it). I probably could have drove off the road at that point in time and not cared.

I came home and started to read the insurance policies. I did find out hubby's insurance has a benefit. It is very very limited and not much but it gave me a glimmer of hope.

Hubby dropped the bomb that after this cycle we can't afford anymore for awhile. The price of this is so fucking expensive. As me and my bff has discussed, it sounds bad to say that this is so much to have a kid when raising the kid will be so much more expensive and how it sounds bad that we are forced to put a price on child. It is sad that the cost to make a baby for so many people is the price of a couple of beers and here we are having to buy oodles of shit to inject and fuck with our bodies. There should be a charity for women like us.

I'm crushed. I'm hopeful. I feel the most pressure on this cycle. The good Lord has his plan in mind and I don't know what it is yet and He'll bless us with a child when He's ready. I just pray it is this cycle.

Drinkin Pants and Party Hats

2010-12-31T09:39:00.002-06:00

Time to reflect on this last year and get ready for the new one coming up. The last year has been a very emotional one with a lot of airplane miles under this butt. Things have changed where I actually enjoy spending time at home and look forward to it. I'm very blessed for having what I have and who I have.

Tonight the ol AC shack is going to be a rockin with a low key celebration of booze, movies, Wii, pool, and hopefully some full frontal nudity. Hubby, however, has pissed me off a bit. Nothing grinds my gears more than inviting people over without telling me. There are levels of house cleaning that go with various visitors. Parents and immediate family are clean up the sex toys and whatever else is fine. The bff's/neighbors are clean up the clutter and maybe clean the bathroom. Everyone else is a five alarm, bust out the toothbrush kind of cleaning affair. Tonights party was just going to have the bff's/neighbors over. He decides to tell me that he invited his buddy and new fiance over too. UGH! Now I have to stress about cleaning???? I hate when he does this shit!!! I just wanted a mellow night with a couple of friends and get drunk. Now I have 2 sets of friends who don't know each other and I feel like I have to entertain the other ones more and bust out the Merry Maid army on my house before they get here. Damn you husband!!!

Ok. Enough of that rant. I should actually go bust out a real breakfast to end this year. And remember, nothing says Happy New Year like the shedding of a uterus!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T19:36:00.003-06:00

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! I hope the holiday is going well and not too stressful!

So far my holiday is starting off great. I gave up on dealing with my family. Screw em. I'm happily home and not chasing my tail off. Christmas Day will be spent with the mother in law's family. It's once a year that I have to do this. It's at the in law's house so at least I'll feel a bit at home. This is the first year ever for this happening and my MIL is freaking the fuck out.

Then Sunday I will getting together with the immediate inlaws to have our family Christmas. I usually make out awesome here. Well, at least for MIL and FIL. My one SIL is just a bitch and really screwed me hard last year. She's just nuts. Thanksgiving usually is a good temperature gauge of how Christmas is going to go. She behaved then so maybe we'll be ok.

I did piss my mother off with deciding to ok the inlaw Christmas for Sunday instead of going to my dad's side of the family. Oh well. She's just struggling this holiday since we aren't all together. Usually we aren't but this year she's just being a freak show. She thinks her grandsons are living such a horrible life because their parents are divorced. She just doesn't get it that they are so much better off with having 2 parents who aren't fighting in the house and causing chaos.

Last night we did a little Christmas shin dig with our neighbors/best friends. We had the high quality traditional Jimmy Johns for dinner. It was awesome! Then it was the gift exchange. My gift got backordered from them but I got the hint of what it was by getting a CO2 refill for it. It is an awesome wine opener that you stab the needle through the cork and shoot CO2 into the bottle and it pops the cork out. She has one and I love it. Now I have one of my own!

After we opened our presents, they opened theirs to each other. It was fun. Then it was time that hubby gave me part of mine. It was a big box covered with a blanket. That little shit got me a 46" internet tv. It took my breath away literally. That little shit got the small tv as a cover up for the big one. I did see the clues but didn't want to get my hopes up. The tv was stashed at their house so I wouldn't see it. After we got home he took me out to the garage. I was banned from there since Monday. He decided that he's going make a homemade entertainment center. I'll have to take pictures of it when it is done and installed. It is looking really nice. He's been working on it all day. When I say all day, I mean all day. He went out to the garage before 8 and has been out there since. Hopefully soon he'll be in so we can make our super fancy Christmas dinner of steak and taters.

Once again, I hope that you all have a great holiday and drink a lot for me!

The Stars Aligned

2010-12-20T20:41:00.002-06:00

I was supposed to be hitting the road today for work. I saw the weather forecast to where I was traveling and shit my pants. After cleaning myself up and packing my bag I decided it was best to make an early break for it. I showed up to the office and the stars aligned with some busted shit and postponement of the trip. I was giddy as all get out.

I was a nice wifey and let the hubby know that his bachelordom was going to be cancelled this week and that I'd be home. He just responded that I can't park in the garage. My brain wheels started spinning. After the whole buying of the tv that is severely way too small for this room, I thought maybe he has a big screen stashed in there waiting to be installed "while I was away." I got very very excited. Maybe if it wasn't a tv then it would be a Lazy Boy. I've wanted a good one for awhile now. He would have actually had to pay attention to get that wish but stranger things have been known to happen.

The whole drive home I had to remind myself not to park in the garage. I'd let him continue on with the surprise. I pulled near the driveway and then realized why he said I couldn't park in the garage.

His big job trailer is back in my driveway and it blocks the garage door. Well fuck me. Maybe he has something. Most likely he doesn't. Oh well. At least I'll have him around for a merry little Christmas Eve. That's only if the snow cooperates.

Let The Holidays Begin!

2010-12-18T09:50:00.002-06:00

I could have sworn there was another week before Christmas in here. I was sadly mistaken by midweek. Good thing I was ahead of schedule and had most of my shopping done.

Today I'm trying to get ready for the holidays with a task most of the rest of the country is doing it seems. I'm trying to get my hair done. It's been over a year since I got highlights done and dammit, I'm sick of my blah colored hair! I anticipated that it was going to be a busy so I started calling the minute they opened. Well, they don't answer their phones for the first hour so I got a bit antsy. Yes, it is a Fantastic Sams and since some of the girls do a great job with my hair, I don't care. But I digress. I hopped in my car and drove over there. I got there 20 minutes after they opened. Chairs were all full and people were waiting. I asked for my normal lady and she was booked clear through the end of the day. WTF?? She had enough time for a hair cut but I need some color dammit! So I made an appointment with another girl who's done my hair before and didn't do too bad. That appointment isn't til this afternoon. I did, however, just get a phone call from my normal lady and she had a cancellation and I can see her today and an hour earlier than the original appointment. Yay me!! I'll get to look hot again!

Speaking of looking hot, I was out shopping last night with bff for a shower curtain for her and was cruising the clearance racks at Kohls. I came across a swath of dresses that peaked my interest. I need a decent dress to go with my knee high boots. I did score a dress and now I need to figure out where to wear it! Also need to figure out if I wear fishnets or regular panyhose with it....hmm..decisions decisions

Hubby did listen to me about getting a new tv this Christmas. Bless his heart. He thought it would be a good idea to replace our 32" tube tv with a 22" flat screen. I'll live but it is small. I will be aiming to get a new one by March and moving this one to the bedroom. He's been busy messing with it since yesterday. Good thing I'm leaving to get my hair done otherwise he'll drive me crazy.

The news finally made it to my mother that we will not be joining the family on Christmas Eve. The 7 hour drive is ridiculous to haul ass back after 12 hours. I guess they aren't going to wait for us to do the gift exchange now. I'm kinda hurt. Wait. I'm really hurt. I enjoy seeing my boys open their presents and rip into them and start playing with them. Then hubby gets into the mayhem and it's quality family time. I guess they don't want me to have that this year. I see how good I rate. Whatever. They really are pissing me off now. Once again it's being inadvertently rubbed in that we suck because we don't have kids. Maybe I should Fed Ex em all now and tell the whole family to fuck themselves. Should I be hurt? Sis is coming at the end of January over here and I thought we'd wait til then. I was sadly mistaken this morning. Enough with that rant. I just want to cry now.

I better go save hubby from himself before my house gets completely trashed from his technology scraping.

Dude, Don't Say That

2010-12-08T19:10:00.002-06:00

Since I suck so much at the basic human act of reproduction, I am now on the next step of making a mini me. It started yesterday with an initial ultrasound to check the egg makers and baby cooker to make sure it is at rest and ready to be stimulated and checked in a couple of weeks. I'm still a pissy about having to take it this far when I show up.

The ultrasound tech was a middle aged to older woman. She seemed nice enough and we got down to business. Read business as she sticks a medical dildo up my who who that sends back tv static pictures to the machine. She was trying to make small talk as does any service person to make the time pass. Then she did it. The second worse thing she could have done. She started talking about her grandkids and the youngest being 6 weeks old. I knew she meant well but when you are working with a woman who is having a bitch of a time conceiving, the last thing she wants to hear is about people who have them. It's not like it was a general ultrasound imaging department in a hospital that she's working at. It's a frickin fertility clinic and all the clients have already been through so much heartache and failure already in order to show up there.

I wished I could have watched along like I do in the crotch doc's office while they do the exam. I wouldn't have been surprised when the tech said that there's a pretty sizable cyst left in there. That wasn't good news. The fertility nurse told me to hold off on taking the clomid till she got back to me after getting the doctor's recommendations. That only took a few hours for her to call me back. I have to take this month off and go on the birth control pill to prevent eggs from a maturing and possibly causing new cysts. That pissed me off and threw me into another tail spin.

I did start looking on the bright side. I can have some caffeine. I can get my hair colored. I can drink without worry. I did look at the calendar and the next go will be smack dab in the holidays. Fuck me......that'll be fun...

Observations

2010-12-06T19:52:00.002-06:00

I've had a few things that I've noticed and just want to plop them out.

#1. IRT Deadliest Roads really make Indians look like a bunch of ignorant dumbasses. They make the backwoods hillbillies look like Rhodes Scholars.

#2. Walmart at this time of year is a suicide mission. I dreaded setting foot in it to get the monthly drugs. I really really think that the one I go to is tacky as shit. For the pharmacist consult, they don't even come down from their step up where they are filling their stuff. You could be at any spot along their counter and he just yells to ask if you have any questions. Real fucking tacky.

#3. This dark shit is for the birds. I should really find some Vitamin D pills. I have seen exactly 3 minutes of sun today. 15 more days til this shit starts turning back to the right direction.

#4. When somebody is on the verge of being fired, they really just go apeshit crazy. This is multiplied when they are management.

#5. The year I want snow we aren't getting much. I'm also a firm believer in the principal of energy conservation (Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it only changes forms). We are truly paying for our hot as hell summer.

#6. The new texting law in this state is pretty useless. There's no way to prove it. It doesn't ban reading emails or using the phone or using the gps. It only specifically calls out composing or sending electronic text messages. Yeah. Good luck proving that without a warrant. I understand they want to save lives, blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure that accidents increased when the radio was introduced in the car and fast food drive thrus were introduced. Just a way to thing the herd.

#7. The battery on this laptop doesn't last very long and I'm refusing to pull out the charger tonight.

Ok...enough of that list. Tomorrow I go for a baseline ultrasound. Then the egg cooking drugs and go back in a week and a half for another ultrasound to see if the eggs are ready for hatching. If they are ready then a shot to trigger laying them. If they aren't ready, then shots to plump them up. I'll know more tomorrow but my time to ride the soundwave pony is early. I'm sure a probe to the who who will wake me up :)

Failed, Again

2010-12-05T17:28:00.001-06:00

This month's hopes are over. I'm praying for a Christmas Miracle.

Skunked Out

2010-12-04T10:13:00.002-06:00

We were anticipating a nice first snow of the season here. Yeah. They lied. It all went south and we are still looking at ugly dead grass and transient leaves.

I was so ecstatic the other day when I found out it was going to snow. Ya see today is the start of the Christmas get togethers and this one is my mom's side. It's a 2 hour drive to my cousin's house to eat a meal, bull shit, and then come home. Normally I really wouldn't mind it and I'd suck it up with some wine and I'd live. This year 2 of the cousins are pregnant. Yeah. Really do not want to see that. Cousin 1 is on their 3rd. Cousin in law 2 is on their first. They just got married less than 2 years ago. Here's Cousin 3, infertile as fuck, been married longer than both of them, and right at the heart wrenching time of figuring out if this last month worked or not. I just don't have it in me to deal with that.

I also have the excuse that Hubby is sicker than a dog and I'm not taking him to this. (Yeah, kinda weak since I've gone to this without him before.) I drug his ass into urgent care last night because I knew there had to be something wrong because he let me drive his truck with his work trailer because he said he was too weak to. Yeah. The man rarely lets me even think of driving his truck much less even entertained the thought of with his trailer. We were going in. Turns out he has an ear infection and a couple viruses going on. He did get antibiotics so that should take care of whatever is growing in him. I was happy with that. Got him home, poured him on the futon and out he went.

Work this last week has been a crazy dream. Firings. Hirings. Pending firings. Weird work flows. I was just happy that it was done.

On the baby front, here we are. I had decided that I wasn't going to pick an arbitrary date to pee on something to give me the news. I just wanted to stay calm and continue on as if I were. Last night I went into elations and depression. I either had a little bit of implantation blood or it's the starts of the visitor. I knew only time would tell so I started feeling every twinge down there trying to figure out which way it was. I tested this morning and of course it was negative but if bean first implanted yesterday there's probably not enough hcg in the ol system to show up right? After that last night I've had no confirmation of the visitor since so maybe? Please? Just MAYBE??

I should go take a shower and blow some money. That might help me today.

Current Events and Such

2010-11-27T08:03:00.004-06:00

Dear North Korea:

What the FUCK is your FUCKING problem?!? You coming up in the shadow of Daddy and now you need to prove that you think you have a set of testicles and a 1" cock? Seriously. You are being a whiny fucking bitch and you just need to STFU. We know that you don't like your neighbor. Why? You have no good reason. I may not like some of my neighbors but I don't bomb the shit out of them. We should have just nuked your ass how many years back and made South Korea an island if we knew you were going to act like this. And these are my final words to you: YOU are NO BETTER than ANYONE else. Get off your horse and come back to reality.

Sincerely,

The Rest Of The World

So that's my feelings on foreign policy right now with them bastards. I think I've decided I should run for president in 2016. My platform for insurance reform and foreign policy should get me somewhere right?

Black Friday occurred yesterday and I stayed my happy ass in my nice warm bed. Below zero windchills and having nobody to go with with no definite plan helped make the decision. The hours that they are opening are really starting to get out of control. 10 pm on Thanksgiving night for Toys R Us? 3 am for Kohls? That's just dumb. The local Toys R Us had to postpone the opening to get the cops there to help control the crowd coming in. I would also like to comment on the timing of the online sales. Historically I've fought the turkey coma to stay up til midnight to start some shopping online. This year they started the same door buster deals online Thanksgiving Day morning. Good move Kohls. I did more damage with having the ability to peruse your website all day. I made two separate orders and bought more than I would have if it would have started at midnight. I'm curious to hear how the numbers will come out for this years sales. Hell, I even got my boss to buy a 40" tv to use as a command center monitor at work!

In other current events, the deer hunting party is still skunked. There are moments that I enjoy having the hunting season over this holiday time and there are moments where I find it to be the dumbest shit in the world having it now. I am left to do EVERYTHING related to this holiday. I thought it was a time to spend with family but I'm more of a single woman than any other time in life. On the flip side, it is nice that I don't have to worry about him being in my hair while I'm trying to get shit done. I get up when I want to and make as much noise as I want. I go to bed when I want and don't have to worry about sharing the bed.

Today I get the fun of doing lunch with my parents that was rescheduled from Thanksgiving Day. Then in the evening I have the nephew's birthday party on the inlaws side. I really should have gotten the kid a tire iron and some brass knuckles. I swear he's going to be a mobster when he grows up. Don't help that his parents don't discipline him. He and his sister are just wild monsters. They remind me of the boys from Talladega Nights before Granny Law set in.

I better go get a move on and get this party started!

Gobbles!!!!(That's Turkey For Happy Thanksgiving!)

2010-11-25T07:53:00.002-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends out here in blogland. I think I'll do a bullet list of what I'm thankful for. Never done one so it's high time :)

I am thankful each and every day for you all. You helped me through tough times and I'm sure there are more to come.
I'm thankful for my family who drives me insane on a regular basis. I know it's not a far drive but I guess they're mine.
My friends IRL have been awesome this year. My neighbor and I have gotten really close this year. I love her to bits and consider her a sister.
I'm thankful for having a job. 2 years ago I should have walked away from the employer but I had nowhere to go. Last year was a bit better. This year has gotten better everyday. I still get shit on by HR but hopefully there are changes on the horizon.
I'm thankful for still having the girlie parts to be able to try to have a child. I know many people who don't have the plumbing to even try. Mine is a bit faulty but I can at least try.
I'm thankful for my cats. They are such good companions when I am home alone. I can also thank them for getting my ass out of bed this morning. I got bitch slapped by one to get up and feed them.
I'm thankful for this pile of bricks that I live in. It sure isn't glamorous but I'm try and make it a home. I look forward to the day that I can upgrade but for now I can call this mine.
I'm thankful to have a mostly functioning, fully paid for car. She's showing her age but I don't have a payment and she's taken me to many big events in life.
I'm thankful that I didn't have to fly this week. I wouldn't care about the searches but I'd hate to be around all the whiners that do bitch. It came close to me flying. Luckily baby making trumped the trip for work and my supervisor had to go.
I'm thankful for having a pantry and freezer full of food. It's hard to keep this much fluff up with no food.
I am thankful to be living in a relatively free country that is not under constant attack. I'm going to write a letter to North Korea on here soon.
There's much more that I am thankful for but it's slipping my mind or it's too boring (ie 2 ply toilet paper).

Today's plans have changed drastically as of last night. My parents were supposed to come down for lunch today. My dad, however, was not going to make it home last night from work (he's a truck driver) because he works for a loser ass company that doesn't own a fucking clock. I was caught in an epic fight between my mother and my father. So fuck it, Dad mentioned doing it on Saturday so that's the executive decision that I made. My head was in so much pain last night. I had such a horrible sinus headache that no drugs was touching. With it being that time of month, I'm very limited on what I can take. Basically I was asleep by 7, went to bed at 9 still in pain, and didn't come to until 5 when I felt better. And on the baby front, I'm in that waiting time. I don't feel any different. I just got some low cramps every now and then and that's it. I did get my ass chewed by my sister yesterday. She told me I need to take the next 3 months off because she doesn't want to see me have a newborn during cold and flu season get sick and need to have a spinal tap. (Gotta love the ER nurse in her). I understand her concern. I appreciate her concern. However, I'm not getting any younger. I can't be living life on "what if's". Bless her heart. I love her to bits.

I better get back to my Black Friday sales ads online :) I'm too lazy to go get the real paper so I have to remember all the stores that I have in the area.

Happy Freakin Holidays!!!

2010-11-21T21:45:00.002-06:00

It has started. The mayhem and madness has started around the shack. The turkey is attempting to thaw in the fridge. I spent this weekend cleaning every nook so I don't have to do it on Wednesday. The menu is set for lunch with my parents at my house. After killing the first round of turkey we'll put up my Christmas tree. Then it is off to the inlaws to kill the turkey again. I'm going stupidly easy this year with only making one turkey and taking leftovers to the inlaws. They aren't that huge of a turkey eaters and I'm the only one that knows how to make one. My SIL tried one year. She failed miserably. This year I wouldn't be surprised if she brings a tofurkey. She's turned into a homeopathic/all natural freak show. I don't mind people who practice that stuff but don't be pushing it down my throat or anyone else's throat. It should be interesting. Maybe she'll get pissed off and leave the get together again.

Black Friday is on the agenda again this year. I've not seen very many good deals except for Target. Best Buy has shit in my book and don't know why people are camping out this year. I've picked out a tv at Target that I want but Hubby wants to make sure we get quality even if it means paying a little more. That means maybe I won't be heading out Friday morning. Honestly, I wouldn't be crushed. Electronic items scare me. Lines are ok but fighting for a big tv just may be too much for me. I prefer the recent years of learning that some of the sales start online at midnight. Hell, the one outlet mall here will be opening 11 pm on Thanksgiving.

I just finished my Christmas cards too. That may be a record. All they need is stamps and I just ordered them from the post office so I don't have to go out of my way to get them. Wahoo! I'll pay the buck for shipping if it means I don't have to venture to the post office!

The baby front is cruising along. It's in God's hands right now. I laid my eggs 4 days early last week. Caught me by surprise but luckily we started going at it early. Thursday had to be for sure the night that I blew them out. I was doing good all day. I ate dinner and before I finished my last bite it hit me. Searing pain and cramping that was unimaginable. I already had the pain pills on board and it over road it. Sitting was not happening. Standing had me doubled over. The only thing I could do was lay in the fetal position and cry. I was scared. I even entertained the thought of going to the ER. Round 2 of the pain pills got me sleepy enough that I slept it off. Friday was amusing. My belly was so very bloated. When I jiggled it with my hands I could feel fluids sloshing in there. Crazy shit. My friend told me to quit doing that. The swimmers are having enough problems finding the egg and the sloshing will confuse them even more! HA! Belly is starting to go down now. I've kept a diligent every other day schedule, laid on a pillow after, and made sure I got mine then. I don't know what else I can do but pray that the good Lord will bless me this month. I dread going to holiday functions again without having news. Grandma in law thought we were announcing a baby a couple of years ago already. It's starting to look funny that we've been married so long and don't have any little ones to show for it. I pray I have news this year.

I think I'll do some more shopping online here :) I do love this way to shop!

Busy As Heck

2010-11-17T19:58:00.002-06:00

It's been a whirlwind of fun here. Last week I got to spend a few days with my girls where many braincells were killed and tons of good food was eaten. I even played in a ball pit for the first time in my life! The pool at the hotel was fantastic. It even had a basketball hoop. I have not shot hoops in years. I'm surprised I still knew how to! The girls were bared many many times. I walked through the suite nekkid after every time we went swimming. I just don't care. I'd be perfectly comfortable at a nudist colony I'm sure. I tried to give phone sex one night but it just felt wrong so I quit.

The upcoming week or so is going to be just as nuts. Work has kept me pleasantly busy at a good pace. This weekend is the opening weekend of gun deer hunting so I will be widowed. I already have Friday night planned with playing poker at the neighbors' house. I bought my Christmas cards last night so I guess I can write them bastards out. I'll be Griwolding the house after the bird dies next week. I can't believe that it's that time of year again.

I started a new tradition a few years ago for Christmas cards. Get a glass of wine (half a bottle) in before starting them. Then continue to drink till I can't write or I'm done. Looks like I won't be able to do that this year. That's right my fellow friends, it is that time of month again to start the wicked roller coaster of fertility! I tested for my surge tonight just for shits and grins. Historically I wouldn't be set to surge until Saturday. Low and behold, I'm surging today. I better get on that horse and get down to business. Now if only I can get him peeled away from watching "Sons of Anarchy" here to accomplish this.

Mentally Defective

2010-11-06T17:18:00.003-05:00

That's pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today. I did wake up in a pretty decent mood but then took them lovely fertility drugs which turn me into a rainbow spewing bucket of daisies. I've wanted to nap but haven't been able to fall asleep. I stew about the hubby being gone again hunting or doing whatever the fuck it is that he does there. I really do not feel like cleaning anything. I don't have the want to go anywhere. I'm just having a crabby ass day.

This last week went by in a blink. I flew to California on Monday for a class. The weather was awesome to say the least. It hit 100 on Wednesday while I

was out there so I drove til I found a beach. The water was cold. The sun was hot. The smell of rotting plant matter hung in the air. I did see an interesting sign while I was down there.

I'm not talking about the skateboarding one. If you can't read it, this is what it says: "Tsunami Hazard Zone In case of earthquake go to high ground or inland." That was enough of a sign for me to jump back in the convertible and go back to the hotel pool. It smelled nice there and I'm sure the water would be warmer too.

The one crazy thing that I noticed out there was how the little burb I was staying in smelled. I couldn't pin point what the smell was bit it was a cross of pine, sage, and eucalyptus. Sitting outside my room in the court yard I could smell it. Cruising down the road on the way to I5 I could smell it. It was like Glade took over the whole damn town and it was awesome!

Another thing I noticed out there was the lack of fast food places. I saw 1 Burger King and that was it. The number of sushi places there was pretty comparable to the number of fast food joints we have at home. Good thing I like sushi. In all actuality, I could go for some right now. I came home jonesin for some junk food. Now I could go for some good fresh food.

I'd also like to stay on this food theme and bitch about airport food. The shit all tastes the same. There may be a name brand on the food but it sure as hell does not taste or look like the same product that you'd get on the outside. The prices are also something to bitch about. 9 bucks for a sandwich? Really? $3.50 for a bottle of Coke? $5 for a bottle of juice? No wonder I eat like shit in an airport! I had pizza on the way home because I was starvin marvin. Godfather's Pizza to be exact. It tasted and looked just like the Uno's pizza at Ohare and the Sbarros in other airports. Yuck! There is only one thing that I've truly enjoyed food wise in an airport. The airport I usually fly out of has thing with cheese cubes, grapes, and carrots with dip. Not bad and the price is on the cheaper side for it being airport food.

I also want to thank everyone for their support, well wishes, and prayers this last cycle. The fat lady has sung on it and as I stated earlier, the drugs are back on board. I'm debating on starting some counseling to help me through some of this stuff. Coming from the hardcore Catholic upbringing, I've been taught that faith will get me through these times. Between the tears of talking with my mother, I had the thought of I'd actually like to talk with the nun that I grew up around. She was an awesome strong woman. I knew she transferred to a church near where I work so I figured I'd look her up. I get a call from my dad saying that they found her. She's exclusively doing counseling now. It's like a sign! I keep wavering on calling and making an appointment. What do I talk about? Do I just go in saying "can't get pregnant, God is hating me, and what the hell can I do to make this better?" I just know that after last Friday, I need to be better prepared for failure again this month. I don't ever think I've been that big of a wreck just short of a death in the family. That is so not healthy.

I should go grab a bottle of wine out of my trunk and get to work on that......

Failed or Maybe?

2010-10-30T09:50:00.002-05:00

I was up in the wee hours of the morning with a busting bladder and a hope in my heart. I was dreaming all night about positive pregnancy tests. I peed in Dora and dipped my stick. 5 minutes later......not a damn thing. That wall of failure came and hit me at record speeds and I tried to go back to bed. I failed again. Why would this month have been different? What have I done that is so horrible to be punished like this? Will this ever work? What does the good Lord have in his plan for me? Is it a baby of my own or is there an oops baby out there that he wants me to raise? All these questions came flooding through my brain.

I got up and went to work. I was a foggy bitch and nothing was bringing my spirits up. It's like mourning a loss of a loved one to some extent. The loss of this child.

There's was an angel on Twitter that somehow got me to see the light and gave me a glimmer of hope. Evil Twin's Wife explained things to me on a level that made sense. Hope is not yet lost for this cycle. I may be looking at it too soon. Somehow she got me to come around with a bit of hope to trudge on for a few more days. Thank you so much. I'm hoping this was a sign from God that sent me an angel to keep hope alive.

I'll be testing again tomorrow. I'm going to try a new test too. I better get to scouring Google to find the best option out there.

Nervous!

2010-10-28T20:48:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow morning is the morning that I will try to hold my bladder for most of the night to take the test in the morning that I hope and pray I studied hard enough for.

I'm excited to do so but almost more terrified of failure. The month after month of disappointment has taken its toll. It gets worse and worse each round. The feeling of failure. The despair that gets deeper and deeper. The hopelessness that sets in.

I've had new signs this week that I've never had before. I'm not sure if the nausea is just nerves and the utter hope for success or the real deal. My sense of smell went batshit crazy. The bathroom smelled horrible tonight. I cleaned it and then a new smell of death filled my nose. The smell of the wood burner outside almost made me lose my cookies. Tiredness has also been on the menu. I've slept a lot this week. Hell. I'm going to bed after this post I think.

Please please pray that I can post a picture of two pink lines tomorrow. Or you may hear me scream with excitement in the early hours for a heads up.

Anticipation......

2010-10-25T19:28:00.005-05:00

I'm smack dab in the middle of the waiting time to see if this cycle has worked. I laid my eggs early last week with a bang and a need for some narcotics but I made it through. I think we timed things good and had enough recovery time between bouts to regenerate good swimmers. I have few things going for me this time around that I hope will prove fruitful. I had the plumbing cleaned. I started on a diabetic medicine that helps with fertility. This last one may be TMI but I don't care. I procured the mother of all vibrators so that after the deposit was made I'd make sure I'd have mine once, if not twice. Usually it has been mostly about me getting mine first and then getting the grand finally. Not this time. I read somewhere that's works better.

So here I am. I'm hungry as hell. I eat and then I want to expel it back up. Got some discomfort down there. The girls are a bit sensitive. I'm tired as hell too. All signs are pointing good right?

My friend who is a week ahead of me on the cycle is now testing. So far negative. I feel horrible for her. She wants a baby even worse than I do. I love her dearly. I want nothing but the best for her.

I think I'm going to go score a nap. Or hug the toilet.

Make Overs and New Beginnings

2010-10-22T20:03:00.004-05:00

When I started this blog a couple years back my attitudes and intentions were completely different than they are today. I've experienced a lot and learned a lot about myself. I know what I like and what I dislike and did an ass load of growing up.

In recognition of the changes that I've gone through I'm renaming the blog to "The Next Chapter." The "Wet and Set" chapter of my life has came to an end a while back and I feel like it is time to change.

I don't have much left to remind me of the beginnings. The one major thing was my laptop that allowed me to tap out the stories and drivel. The face that I see to input my thoughts has changed and so am I.

I'm not going anywhere. I love my friends that I have on here and Twitter and wouldn't trade them for the world. I hope to share the beginning and the makings and the birth of my first rug rat. Who knows, maybe someday I'll clean the old posts up and let the hubby see this. Wait. NO. I need a place for honesty.

So grab a cup of the coffee I can't drink right now and make yourselves at home. Hugs and ass smacks all around.

Sunday Reflections

2010-10-10T20:44:00.002-05:00

This has been a pretty enjoyable weekend for me. Yesterday I did some major retail therapy. It was much needed since my ass grew the Grinch's heart and I have no clothes left that fit me. I found some awesome sales and enjoyed myself. After my main day of shopping I couldn't find the needles to fix Ol' Blackie (my pet name for my suitcase). She got her ass kicked and ripped apart over the last few trips. Since I'm leaving tomorrow, I decided I better score a new one. Score I did. Saved $150 off regular price. I saved $50 buying it yesterday than buying it today. I now have christened it The Rolling Turd since it's brown.

Hubby must have had a change of heart on Friday. I'd like to think he was smart enough to read my rage if he disappeared for the whole weekend as he planned. His day plans on Friday took longer than he planned so it made no sense for him to start on his afternoon plans. He spent the evening at home and we went out to dinner with some friends. That was nice. I had to push and shove to get some of the bed. Saturday he was gone bright and early to work on the farm. Ok. Time to hunker down into the single life so I shopped and loaded up on cold medicine and went to sleep. He did come home shortly after I went to bed. Once again I slept for shit because he was in my bed. Today he was up early. He stayed home. He worked on things around the house. I'm happy as a clam.

The one thing that gets me is I get lonely and pissy when he's gone for an extended period of time. If he comes home at night and I see him for an hour I'm fine. Days like today, he spent outside the whole day and I really didn't spend much time with him but I'm happy as hell. Why is that I don't need to be near him but knowing that he's home makes me feel so much better?

Tis been awhile since I've done a baby makin update. This has been a rough ass time so far. I had to wait almost 2 weeks after drugs to start the cycle. I was pissed. I punched my uterus a few times. Once she started though, I held on for dear life. Soul cleansing. I survived the clomid ingestion. So did those around me. I had my moments. I'm just now at the point of growin the eggs and waiting for the uncomfortable bloating and discomfort that pants cause. Dear Lord, please let this month do it.

I'm in Atlantic City all week for work. It will be busy I'm sure. Doing two trips worth of work in one week and having to be with customers on Friday. Usually Monday/Friday are travel days exclusively. Not this week. I'll first be rollin into the home airport on Friday at 1130pm. Add on the 2 hour drive home and it won't be pretty. That's best case with all the flights on time.

Drop in and say hi if any of you are bored. My chat thingy is on the upper right. I'll enjoy the company!

Fall Is In The Air

2010-10-02T10:50:00.002-05:00

First off, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. That was a really rough night for me in the mental department. Hell, it's still sore but at least I'm home now and have distractions to make it less painful.

Fall is definitely in the air here. The trees are changing. The air has gotten much cooler. It's now a game of how much cold can we hold out on before turning on the furnace. So far so good. It does make for a stuffy house though.

The day light has dramatically decreased too. Many people say they love fall but I despise it. Yes it is pretty. Yes it is a nice break from the hot temperatures. Yes Christmas is right around the corner but I hate being in so much darkness. I don't deal well with waking up when it is dark out. As this gets worse, I leave for work at sunrise and it's already dark when I leave work. The depression kicks in pretty hard until this shit turns around. Well, that and when it's bitter ass cold I'm not the happiest girl either. I have learned thought that I do fare better in the bitter cold than the roast your balls off hot.

I've been sick as a dog for the past couple of days now too. Last night it took a shot of codeine, half a shot of plain cough medicine, a slathering of vicks, 2 benadryl, a shot of booze, and a cup of tea to finally get my ass to pass out while coughing my brains out. I slept in the livingroom in an attempt to not keep hubby up. Yeah. Worked about that well. I even busted out a dvd of a classic Garfield special that Mom would always play when we were sick as children. That just made the coughing a bit more bearable.

Today I have to go to my niece's birthday party. Yippy. Inlaw time. Just what I always wanted. Bah.. Better hit the shower..

Another Kick In The Gut

2010-09-23T19:34:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here patiently waiting for my lovely cycle to start. Patiently. I just didn't take a week worth of hormones for nothing. I am constantly reminded that I'm not getting any younger and the one soul purpose that any human is put on this earth for, I cannot do. I failed the most simplest human task of reproducing.

I once again was slapped in the face by my mother tonight. Bless her heart she did not know it was going to affect me this hard and she meant no harm by it. I guess my cousin and his wife of maybe 2 years are now pregnant. They are younger than me. They've only been in a relationship a quarter of the time that I have and here they fucking are pregnant. The whole family is moving on with life and accomplishing their milestones while I'm stuck fucking still.

Why does this have to be so hard? How can I be failing so much as a human animal?

Shit. Might be time to go to counseling soon.

Follow The Yellow Brick Road!

2010-09-21T19:51:00.002-05:00

Greetings from Bum Fuck Kansas!!!

I've been here one day and I feel like I'm in exile. I asked the locals today on what they recommend for dinner and they just laughed. I'm always a fan of local places to eat, just not prefaced with a laugh. The only local joints are Mexican or Chinese. I passed a few but there was nobody parked by them. The only chain restaurants are either fast food or Pizza Hut. I ended up at the local grocery store. I have a hankerin for a rotisserie chicken. This store didn't have them. WTF? I guess I'll have to go back to Walmart tomorrow to get one. With my luck, they'll be sold out. I ended up settling on a tv dinner.

My travel plans are all over the place now. In theory I was going to Atlantic City next week. That got postponed til October now. Then I was supposed to go to Tennessee next week. They decided they didn't need me now. Then today I get an email that I'm going to California for a couple days the beginning of November. I'm going to just show up to the airport and see where it takes me pretty soon.

There is one major highlight of this trip. I did get to catch up with my very first blog world friend. It's probably been a year since the last time I saw this person. It was so nice just to catch up and see each other if only for a couple hours. I then started my trek to Bum Fuck.

I should really take a picture of this bed. If I could fit it in my suitcase I would. I just sink into it. For being a podunk hotel, I'm pretty impressed. The beds are soft. The sheets are nice. The towels are soft and fluffy. The room is in good repair. There's an lcd tv. There's a fridge and microwave. The shower is awesome. The head is high and it outputs a great amount of water. The a/c has finally caught up. It took til well after dark last night for it to cool off in here. I was scared that the a/c was broke. I did partake in the pool tonight. I was excited to sit in the hot tub because a hotel that has a pool has a hot tub right? Right? Wrong. Just a pool. That was cold. That was short lived trip. If there was an exercise room I'd be all up in it. I'm just looking for shit to do...

On a side note, my computer keeps making a random popping sound. It's driving me insane. I don't know what program is doing it so I'm shutting down things til I find it.

And on that note, it is time to shut down this window.

Here We Go Again

2010-09-16T20:41:00.002-05:00

I had my post op appointment with the crotch doc on Monday. I was expecting that I'd be waiting out the rest of this cycle before starting drugs and the rollercoaster of fun. I guess I was wrong. Doc said no sense in waiting and if I don't think that I'll ride the cotton pony on my own this month, then lets make it happen.

I also asked to get the med back that is mainly used for diabetics. It helps with fertility and I've been having issues with maintaining my sugars. I hate the shit but I have to do something.

Doc did talk me into going to a big box store to get my drugs. The price was absolutely amazing. I didn't run shit through the insurance and 2 out of the 3 were on the 4 buck list. The 3rd is still half the price of what I was paying at the big pharmacy chain. I hate going to the big box but if it is that much cheaper I'll just have to suck it up and go.

The diabetic med I started on Monday night. Tuesday was a blur. I was sicker than shit the whole day. Wednesday was better but then the progesterone got the best of me. I was asleep by 8. I still get sick through the day from the diabetic med. I'm in a constant fog and I just hate the shit. I'll live with it though if it means getting a hitchhiker. Refined sugars are a real bitch. I have a strong aversion to that again. It's forcing me to eat healthier.

I need to go pass out again. The bags under my eyes are big enough to pack for my week in Kansas next week. Sooooo...if anybody is near Kansas and wants to meet up, let me know!

Withdrawal Help

2010-09-09T20:21:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have followed me for awhile, you may remember the time that I cracked so hard that I needed to get on antidepressants. It was a bitch that found one that worked. Since that time I've had major life changes and I don't feel I need a daily pill to keep me from losing my freakin mind. In the past I've just stopped taking the pills and I was good to go. Not this time.

Withdrawals are something that are evil and horrible. I hope I'm not one of the only bloggy friends that has been on happy pills and hoping maybe someone can help me out here. I started off with taking a pill every other day and then eventually just forgetting until withdrawals kicked in. I know this is crazy and goes against pharmacology half lifes and shit but I'm up to 5-7 days between pills. I just want to kick this shit! I don't want it anymore! I don't want the eventual hitchhiker to go through withdrawals when they are born or chance a defect due to it(though I've been told it is safe)!

I'm sure some are thinking that it can't be that bad and to just suck it up but let me tell you what happens. I have zingers that go through my head when I move my eyes. They don't hurt. I compare it to if your foot is asleep and you flick it, that kind of feel in my head. I feel foggy headed. Right now, my lips are almost completely numb. Today was also a really bad day for mood. I went from super happy to super mad at the drop of a dime. Add in to super sad and just super not me. After the mood swings I had today, I don't think I could do my job on a daily basis with them. It's scary to feel that the only way I stay productive is through these damn pills!

Speaking of which, I have to find a new doctor. My current primary care cracked and got out of family practice. I hate picking out a new doctor. Here's how my track record has gone since I've been an adult picking my own doctor. The first guy put me on so damn many drugs that I ended up in the ER with seratonin syndrome. Look it up. It was scary shit. He then changed to neuro specialty some shit story. The second guy was all about natural medicine and home remedies for every damn thing. He also reduced his practice hours to 3 afternoons a week. That didn't work. Then I went to the most current and he wasn't too bad other than being farther away and now he's not in family practice. I'm lucky enough, though, that the insurance plans have changed and I'm now allowed to see providers at 2 out of the 3 major systems in the area as opposed to 1. The system that we gained was the one I used to work for so I have a little better grasp on the who's who there.

Man. These numb lips make me want to do something stupid like pierce them. I better go to bed before I wake up to something stupid.......

Midweek Crazy

2010-09-01T21:15:00.002-05:00

I'm back to work now. My bed I'm sure is missing me not laying on it all damn day. It was a rough reentry into the workforce but it only took me 2 tries. I over did it today. It must have been the laundry that kicked me over the edge today. If I don't do it, it ain't getting done. Gotta love being the woman of the house.

I can't believe it's only midweek. I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend. Kinda took me by a pleasant surprise to realize that I have Monday off. Work is going to suck even more next week for me. 20 pounds of shit to be stuffed in a 10 pound box that I need to get from some other dude on the east coast. All by Tuesday morning. I'm fucked.

Over on the side you'll notice a new little widget to chat with me :) It can be anonymous even. You can thank the lovely Jayman for the find. Right now we've come up with a million dollar idea. We have to work out the details but we should be looking for investors soon!

Impatience

2010-08-28T17:19:00.002-05:00

I've lost all patience. I can't stand being down anymore. I can't stand not being able to do shit. I know I have a finite amount of pain pills but staying on a schedule is not helping to conserve them. As it stands right now, I'm down to 4 pills. Fuck me.

The part that gets me the worst is how alone I feel. How dare I schedule surgery during field work on the farm. I have awesome friends and family offering to help for even the littlest things. I shouldn't have to though! The one person who should be here to help me isn't! I'm very bitter. I'm very hurt. I cried my eyes out today because of it. I could tell him to get his ass home but I know just seeing him here would piss me off knowing he'd rather be doing farm work. Ugh!!

I'm supposed to be going back to work on Monday. Yeah. Not sure how the hell that's going to happen. Just fuck.

I honestly don't know what point I was trying to make when I opened this page so I guess I'll shut up for now....

I'm Sliced, Diced, and Julienned!

2010-08-26T09:49:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the big day of going under the knife for the rotorooting of the girlie parts. The day started off very early but the trade off was knowing I'd be sleeping most of the day anyway. The surgery went well. I almost cried my brains out when the chaplain said a prayer over me. The presurgical jitters hit me hard.

Before I knew it, I was in the recovery room. All I knew is that my belly had some serious pressure and I had to PEE. They wouldn't let me get up so they put a bed pan under there. No success. I can't pee laying down! They wanted to take it away but I wouldn't let them. Security blanket of wanting to go. Soon after that they wheeled me over to the finally recovery stage and they let me get up to go pee. Praise Jeebus!!! I got all dressed and padded up and had to sit in a chair then. The apple juice they gave me was a bit much. I wanted to throw that up so back to plain water and ice I went. While I was in the first recovery stage they gave me morphine. That made for some fun times. I sat in that chair getting hotter and sweatier than whore in church. Every time I dozed off I ended up shooting awake and gasping for air. My blood pressure would bottom out and my oxygen sats went through the floor. That was getting really annoying. Add on the feeling of hurling and just wanting to sleep and I was ready to walk myself out of there.

They did finally let me go home and I crashed and burned in bed. I woke up from there and I was feeling so good then. A little more drugs and I couldn't shut up. I napped. I talked. I ate a bit. Only thing I couldn't do was sit. That hurt too damn much. Either laying or standing. So that is what I've been doing, eating, sleeping, standing. And peeing. Tons of peeing. Even a half full bladder is painful as hell.

They found less of one thing but more stuff than we first thought. I hope cleaning it all out works and I can quit paying so damn much money for this kid before it's even conceived! I get a week off and then it's time to get back on the horse. We'll see. The way the dates fell I can't do clomid this month but I can next month. I pray it works. I pray with every fiber of my being. It's not supposed to be this hard!!! People get knocked up all the time without trying! Why can't it be that easy???

I need to go find more drugs. This just sucks and I'm getting bitchy.

The Weekly Picking On Of Suppliers

2010-08-23T21:31:00.003-05:00

I am once again infamous over at Bagwine Ruminations! Just to catch you up a bit instead of reading back through all his posts, well I do recommend you read them(good shit!), Matty has been picking on the Latino ice delivery guy for a few weeks now with posting signs on the back of his truck. They usually result in a very amusing phone call from his next stop when the poor guy finds the sign taped to the back of his truck.

While leaving the God forsaken state of Jersey last week, I had to sit at 5 red lights in a row and noticed this on the truck ahead of me.

I immediately wondered if Matty had something to do with this.

I guess I inspired him to pull that stunt today and he has it posted over on his hilarious and thought provoking site.

Rants from the Airport Rat

2010-08-21T10:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday flying home I found my blood pressure rising more than a dozen times. It was supposed to be a simple 1 connection flight home and routine in my eyes. Well. Pretty routine. I was scared shitless of how delayed my second flight would be. It was out of the lovely Ohare airport and I've learned that anything after noon will most likely be delayed due to one panty waste reason or another. Let me take you for some highlights (or lowlights, however you want to see it) of my travels.

The morning was pretty uneventful and I made my way toward the airport and that brings me to rant #1. NJDOT really fucked up here and got my blood pressure to rise. All them fuckers drive like raped apes in Jersey. Their bright idea is to put stop signs at the end of the on ramp. Yeah. Bright fucking idea. Let's make a vehicle come to a complete stop and try to merge into a busy instate from that stopped position in 2 seconds. I was ready to shit myself. That is dumbassery beyond my comprehension. Why don't you start putting in intersections on an interstate too while you are at it asshats? Then you wonder why there are crashes and deaths in your work zone.

I got to the airport and returned my car and the shuttle was waiting to go back to the terminal. That was a nice touch. I got dropped off at the right terminal and proceeded to check in. The nice gentleman who was working behind the counter had a great sense of humor by asking me if my bag was being checked to go to xyz but really it was going to Singapore. HA! He admitted that checked baggage delivery is a crap shoot at best! Gotta love it. He is one I'd like to commend.

Next up was security. Oh lawdy was this going to be fun! There seemed to have been a trend within the last year to put up experience lanes. It broke down entrances for casual travelers, intermediate travels, expert travelers, and family/lots o liquid lanes. I've noticed that this don't mean shit anymore. It's always casual travelers and lots o liquid lanes. Somehow they both merge together so it doesn't mean shit. Be it a Friday morning, past business red eye time, this was going to be fun. Oh and it was.

First off, the parents who bring their brood of children under the age 6. There were a couple of families in line. How the hell can someone afford to take their 4 children plus themselves on an airplane these days?? That's besides the point. First family brought their rec room with them and had to get it all on the belt into the xray machine. At this point they started lining up for the metal detector. Yeah. Almost all of them had their flip flops on yet including the parents. Soooooo wait for them to get that situated. Then try to explain to a 4 year old girl to not touch the metal detector as you walked through was a treat. Before all of this was the mother/son combo that had issues finding all of their metal. They finally gave up on the son and pulled him over for the wand.

Just as I thought I was having the end in sight, I hear the dude at the xray perch call for a bag check. Shit. He and the bag checker bring this suitcase back to the intake belt and crack it open. The owner was a lady with a 5 year old girl and it appeared the lady was also with her parents. The TSA staff cracked open her suitcase and started to pull out family sized bottles of salon shampoo and conditioner and full sized bottles of body wash for her and her daughter, and full sized hair styling products. HELLO! What fucking rock have you been living under lady?!? You can't take that shit through security!!!! This is not new. Even if you are too dumb to watch the news, there are signs all over the airport about this. If you are too damn dumb to read the signs, they also make announcements every 30 seconds about the 3 oz liquid rule. OMG! That lady needs to have her daughter taken away for fear of her life! If this dumb box can't figure out the liquids rule, how the hell can she safely raise a kid??? That's a bit harder and more brain intensive in my book! Thus ends this ends the rant about the douchecanoe.

I finally made it through the metal detector and the lovely old lady pulled me over for a complete pat down. That was a nice touch. She could have bought me dinner at least or spooned for a bit after.

I trudged to my gate and notice it's already looking pretty full. No biggie. I score something to drink and settle myself in. As we get closer to the time, they start asking for volunteers to get bumped because they oversold the flight. Great! Packed in like sardines in a dixie cup! I actually entertained the thought and went up to the counter to offer my leave if they could put me on the tiny tube a few concourses down that is a direct flight to home. No dice. They over sold that one too. Dammit. Looks like I'm heading to Ohare yet. The boarding process begins and they have TSA set up and they are doing random screens at the gate. I haven't seen that in a couple of years. I think the last time I saw that was during the presidential elections and I was going to where Obama had a rally. Amazingly enough this didn't create too big of a back up. What did create the back log is the next thing that chaps my ass.

Since the advent of the pay for checked baggage, everyone has been trying to pack their whole trip into a minisuitcase and bring the damn thing on the plane. They then try to put them in the overhead bins and fight with them to make them fit. All of this while people are trying to get to their seat and get the hell out of the way. This flight they did gate check. Not even the wait for your shit on the jetway check. It was the heres your claim check and get your shit off the baggage claim. Hmmm....Just like a checked bag! They didn't have to pay however. This created a delay of course. Most other flights they do this and you have to wait for your carry on bag to show up on the jet way. You still have to wait just like checked baggage! Except you are in the way of people who are trying to get the hell out of there! At first I was appalled by Spirit Airlines charging for a carry on bag but now I'd like to commend them. Actually, here's what the airlines need to do. They need to increase their ticket price by $20 and include the first checked bag! It will speed up the boarding process, decrease the cost of gate check tickets, and increase customer satisfaction. Der...done with baggage rant.

The flight to Ohare was uneventful between 2 wet behind the ears boys. Either their girl friends or mommies dressed them because they were dressed too nice to do that on their own. We all slept. I was in the middle. I don't like the middle. On a plane that is :) I worked hard on not tipping over and drooling on them. I did wake myself up snoring a bit again. The seats were bigger than usual too so that was nice. I made it to Ohare and started in on my normal routine of finding me a damn hot dog. They moved my normal hot dog place and I eventually did find it. I had a 2 hour layover so I had plenty of time to eat. I hung out at different gates because mine was just full. This brings me to my next rant.

Shame on United Airlines. Their dumbassery makes me want to call them out by name. I know I'm on a small plane that doesn't take the most priority in the grand scheme of your flights to LGA or LAX. I do however feel like I should be treated like a customer and not a sore on your ass. That's how I felt. This tiny gate had 4 flights all going out within a half hours time. There are 50 seats on each plane so this equals at most 200 passengers. On average I would still say 125 passengers. How many seats were in this terminal? Maybe 50 at best. Most of us had to stand in the hallway or they overtook the gate across the way. We were not important enough to have a big enough gate to seat everyone. Fuck you United Airlines. Thanks for making me feel like a piece of unwanted shit on your airlines. I will let my travel arrangers know this so I can avoid you like the plague again.

That flight was a quick flight and we made it out ontime and home ontime. That was a big shocker. My bag came in a timely fashion and then I had to make the 2 hour drive home. Yeah. That was a nightmare. Mother Nature decided it would be fun for me to drive through 3 severe thunderstorms along the way. I did make it home in one piece and that is where I've been since.

End rant. Time to go scrub the bathroom.

Down Time

2010-08-16T19:54:00.001-05:00

It's been a wild ride lately. I haven't had any time to myself until now. I'm wedged on a plane that is hot as fuck and over an hour late taking off. This airline doesn't have onboard wifi like last week's flights. Hell the AC is marginal at best.

If you follow me on twitter you would have seen some amusing updates from vacation. I had lesbians attracted to me wherever I went. On the beach. At the campgrounds. None of them hit on me though. Dammit. I guess I wasn't all that hot looking.

First leg of my vacation was with my sister in Florida. We have never gone on a trip together alone. It was interesting. She spent more time texting and fiddling on her phone than I did. That's rare to find. I love my sister dearly but that trip made me feel bad about myself. She's now a size 6 that rarely eats carbs and gets sick if anything is fried. Then there's me. Don't fuck with my carbs if you want to live. All the guys were eyeing her up and she never noticed. I'm pretty sure I was the fatass cockblock.

I got home from that trip to go camping as soon as I stepped foot near home. I was so excited to eat real food with other people who ate it too. It went by quick. I was a partypooper because I went to bed at 10 both nights. I was exhausted and my feet itched like hell from all the bug bites.

I was never so happy to see home as much as I did yesterday. It was bitter sweet though. I knew I'd be leaving right away today. I started packing and decided to take a nap at 4. I never made it out of bed til 530 this morning. I'm still tired and crabby.

(On a byline, full can of juice on this flight. Score! Wait. No snack. OK. It's a wash)

My flight is about an hour and a half behind. I'm tired yet awake after a massive dose of decongestant. I've learned that helps with my motion sickness. If I truly want to pass out I add a benadryl to that mix. I still have probably an hour drive when I get there.

I'm out this whole week in Jersey for work. I'd enjoy dinner or a drink with a local: ) Or I'll relish in the peace of hotel time alone.

I think it's time to score a nap on this metal straw. BTW. I hate plane seats.

Praise Jeebus and Pass the Vodka

2010-08-08T08:24:00.002-05:00

Today is the annual family going to church day. It actually sounds like we'll have a fairly decent turn out for it too. I'm up early and showered and almost ready to go. Hubby on the other hand will probably set us at arriving right in the procession. After that we head back to the parents for lunch and bull shitting. I better put my social pants on. I may need some liquid help with that. I do have a cube of beer in my trunk for the occasion. I may drink just to celebrate it being over with for another year!

Yesterday was the starts of the weekend fun with the annual guys golf outing. I'm there because, well, I can fit in with the guys. It was my dad, uncle, and hubby with me. I look forward to the time of year where somebody hands me a six pack and the keys to a motorized vehicle. I was somewhat disappointed this year that the cart I had was throttled down a bit so you couldn't fuck around it in. It started off as a nightmare but as aiming fluid (aka beer) was introduced to the equation we suddenly were getting better. First funny of the day was when we made it to the first hole with a portapotty on it. Well, what goes in must come out and after 4 beers, something has to fly. It was a little down and left of the tee box. I was the last to tee and my uncle was in the crapper. Just my luck, the ball went right at the plastic crapper. My dad was standing outside of it and dive bombed to miss getting hit. It dropped and came to a rest right under the edge of the housing. So then Dad decided to pick it up and throw it at the porta crapper. Amusement number 1. Guy can't piss in peace without getting hit by a ball. This came into play again later when there was a portacrapper on the other side of the green. Uncle decided he had deliver the loan right at that point. We had to do a small chip shot to get it up on the green. Hubby put way to much power into it and sent it over the other side. You guessed it, it was heading for the portacrapper. To be a douche, hubby ran and got his ball and threw it up against the plastic housing again. My poor uncle couldn't piss in peace for anything!

OOOH! I'm sure you all remember me bitching yesterday about my mother wanting to go golfing. She wouldn't mention it to me after I told her no so I told Dad he needed to take care of it. Well he lied very good! He took the economic angle of they'd have to pay for golf, clubs, and the cart and needed a tee time even though they weren't going to actually golf. This worked brilliantly! I'm just hoping she doesn't call the golf course now. She would have never made it. This hurt. And that hurt. And she's just so tired. Then my sister texts me right before I went to bed last night that Mom is sick. She has a fever. We both just shook heads and said fuck it, not worth getting worked up over.

Tomorrow I will be en route to Florida on my Boeing Chariot to Freedom! I do plan on purchasing the in flight internet so keep and eye out for me on Twitter and Gmail :) Say hi or send me something to make me shoot coffee out my nose and get everyone to wonder :) Nudity works too but I may get in trouble for that.

I better get my hairs in place and war paint on and get my ass to church!

Fore!

2010-08-07T10:33:00.003-05:00

I've got a tee time in t minus 2 hours. This will be the first time I get to touch my clubs this year. Sad huh? Historically this outing has been known to create urination in nature and then to find a portapotty at the next hole. There is also copious amounts of beer consumed while driving a motorized vehicle. One year a turkey was sacrificed on the way home. A tree was hit with a brand new club. A ball was hit and it went behind the tee box. Many balls have been sacrificed to the water gods and golfing gods period. There may have also been narrow escape from getting a ball to the head too.

This year shall prove to be just as much fun as long as one thing doesn't happen. My mother thinks she coming to this. She does not do anything physical. She can't hold down a job because she's too "sick" to do so. The weather has to be air conditioned otherwise it's too hot and humid and gives her breathing troubles. Or she has to be near a bathroom. Or her back hurts too much. Or she's overdone it and her back hurts her for the next week and don't forget the complaining involved with that. Also, she doesn't/can't drink so we get the 5th degree from her whenever a beer gets cracked. I considered saying screw it and skip golfing but I can't do that to dad. After I gave her a flat out no about her meeting us there for golf and changed the subject, she won't bring it up. She keeps bringing it up to dad so I told him he was in charge of telling her why. Well, a nice why. I hope he uses the father/daughter defense. We don't get to do much father/daughter bonding time and this is one of our few chances. If I pop out a kid in the next year this whole dynamic is going to change again so this may be the last time we'll have this. Mom always has time for bonding since she calls everyday and we do shopping when the weather is conducive for her "ailments". I guess I'll know in a little bit when I call to get final marching orders on what to bring for dinner.

Good thing I'm on vacation next week. I'm going to need it after dealing with all this family shit.

I'm Famous!!

2010-08-05T21:53:00.002-05:00

The ever amusing MattMan over at Bagwine Ruminations featured our Twitter conversation this morning. I'm soooooo honored? This dude makes me laugh everyday and I maintain, the dude is short circuited......

On a side line, MattMan and Jayman have come out of the closet....er....announced that they are going to be doing a show on Blog Talk Radio. I've never listened to a show on there but you can bet for damn sure that I will be there listening! Go and show them some love and support and encouragement to get this off the ground!

Only 4 sleeps til Florida bitches!! I can't wait to get there and take a nap on the beach! I'm tired just thinking about what has to happen between here and there....Have a great night y'all!

Final Laziness

2010-08-01T10:23:00.003-05:00

This is the last Sunday where I can sleep in and in my own bed for sometime coming up. Next weekend is a family weekend and getting ready for going to Florida. As soon as I get off the plane from Florida, I'm going camping until that Sunday. The weekend after that I will be on call. I was a final resort so I'm helping out. Then the week after that I'm having surgery so hopefully that Sunday after I can sleep in again. My dance card got full!

And now I'm really pissed off. I just went to pay my credit card bill that is due in a couple of days and noticed something not very nice. I worked hard and used a good chunk of tax return money to pay this thing down. Now the dumb fuckers have reduced my credit limit down to about $200 above my balance. WTF assholes?? I'm not amused.

I can't believe Florida is only a week away. I so am not ready. I need some shorts that fit my ass. I want to get my hair and feet done but I highly doubt I can afford all that this week. I want to start packing today. I should get on it...

I ended up with an ear infection this week. I decided not to ignore it and go in right away. Since my insurance sucks so damn bad, going to one of those pharmacy walk in clinics was the most cost effective choice since I know what I got. The cost of the visit wasn't the hard part to swallow. The price of the drugs was. I was getting drops and pills. The drops that they wanted to give me were about $160 out of pocket. Fuck me. The provider that was there was so nice to as run out their pharmacy to see what they could do. She came back with good news. Using the eye drop version of the drug and putting me through a county drug program I got the bottle of drops for $18. The pills were only $15 then. WOOT! I don't think I could have scored that good of a deal even with my own insurance! The ear has gotten a little better now. I'm kinda worried that I should have more improvement by now.

I'm suppose to go shopping with my mother today. I have mixed emotions about that. She irritates the hell out of me, especially in public. Dad left early for the week so she's going stir crazy. I guess I better get my ass ready to face the pain.

Less Stabby

2010-07-28T19:48:00.002-05:00

My last post I was severely pissy in. The week has been progressing and I'm starting to feel a bit less stabby. It's hard to stay that mad fo a long a time. If you've seen me on Twitter you'd know I'm battling my central air right now. Last night it was completely dead. It was hot, humid and just miserable. I was not in my happy place. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that hubby broke down and called a trained professional to fix it. They were here bright and early fixing my baby. She ran out of juice so they filled her up and they were on their merry way. I was excited to come home and nap in an igloo. I walked in the door and was sorely disappointed. It had only dropped 3 degrees from when I left it this morning. Fuck me. We need a whole new unit now. Not real sure how much that is going to cost us but I'm sure it's a pretty penny.

I am really glad that I got the tickets booked to Florida. I'm really looking forward to the break and the beach. I've been surfing the web for ideas for food and things. I found a dandy lookin little seafood joint to get my crab on. I also found that there are a few Waffle Houses on my travels between the airport and the house. I can't wait! I'm going through Waffle House withdraws! I need some cheese eggs and grits and biscuits and gravy. It just isn't the same at home. I do need to procure some books though. I'm thinking my Droid won't work too well for reading while in the Floridian sun. Since I'm also a picky reader, this should be fun to try and find some books. Maybe I should go in the bag so I can replicate my drunk mood that I will have on the beach.

I got a shipment of toys in the other night. I really want to try them. I love ordering from this place. I order one thing and they send me a whole box full of stuff. I'm just waiting for a cool evening to try them. I guess it'll be awhile.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

2010-07-26T21:57:00.002-05:00

I'm on war path. I can't kick it either. You know the day is going to be shit when you are asking for a piss test on a coworker because they can't be that dumb overnight. I'm getting hot flashes all the effing time. The a/c at home still is not working right. Hubby says it's keeping up just fine. Just fine my ass. It's cooler outside now! I dread having to cook dinner because how hot will the house get? My hormones are all over the place. This is my first month that I'm drug free in a long time. Obviously it did a number on my mental balance. There are very few people right now who's faces I don't want to rip off. Chocolate cake didn't even help!

Time to boot my bed occupant out. My time to inhabit that king sized sanctuary of comfort.

Ask And You Shall Receive

2010-07-25T10:12:00.002-05:00

After I got back from camping I thought to myself that I had no other plans for the summer. I was really sad that I'd work the rest of the summer with no break in the action. This week changed that all. First off is the impending surgery next month. Then last night the sister calls me.

The sister is still going through holy hell with the stalker. She had some plane tickets booked before this shit went down and she exchanged a set in for a flight to Florida. She's got connections to a house within crawling distance to the beach. She said she was going to go alone to find truth in the sand, booze, and surf. Last night she called me and begged me to come along with her. There is only one thing, well 2 things, that could keep me from going. Flight and husband.

I started bombing around my favorite travel sites and the tickets in my eyes were a bit pricey. Things weren't looking good. I had one last ditch effort to the airline site of the company that I flew to Vegas a few years ago. Low and behold, for less than $200(well base price) I could get my happy ass to Florida! I had to sweet talk hubby then. He is looking at the money factor of course. I guess I have to use some of my baby fund to pay for this. Damn I'm glad I saved up that money. I booked the tickets and now to tell work!

Next issue on the hit parade was a car. Sis and I are flying into different airports and I'm beating her there by an hour or so. I looked into a one way rental from airport and the returning it to the local airport the next day. Not what I wanted to pay. I played the name your own price site and they didn't seem to think that $15 plus all their outrageous fees was acceptable. I'm just lookin for something with 4 tires and a steering wheel here!

I did finally score a car for the whole week instead for $20 a day. Can't complain there.

So once again I'm back down to telling work I'm out in a couple of weeks for a whole week. I checked my calendar and nothing is booked there yet. That's at least better than when I booked the surgery.

Then shit got a little more shitty. All day I had been having hot flashes. I kept turning down the a/c for some relief but the damn house wouldn't get below 72. I had mentioned this to hubby and he started investigating. Turns out the condenser in the basement froze up and was spewing water all over the damn place. Fuck me. We turned off the air and let the fan blow through it. I would have been happy with letting it go all night like that but it appears hubby fired it up in the middle of the night. I don't think it's fixed. Shit. Glad I had the tickets booked before that came up!

My shade is dwindling quick here and I think it's time to go back inside and start my laundry. Damn I hate doing laundry. Give me 10 toilets to scrub and I'd gladly do it if I didn't have to do laundry.

Shit Storm Abound

2010-07-20T16:12:00.002-05:00

Every last nerve I've had is now gone. I can't think straight. I just want to go in the corner and cry.

First off, that lovely visitor started today so I feel my toenails being uprooted. Another failed month of course.

Second, my sister had a court hearing today because her stalker was trying to get a restraining order against her because she was harassing him. Yeah. Check phone logs asswipes, she didn't call him once. So that wasn't granted to him. He wasn't satisfied with that. He wants to hurt her. He ended up going after her nursing license. He was successful enough to get it suspended. That should make him happy. She, on the other hand, has actually threatened suicide. I was on the brink of calling her local pd for a welfare check and a possible 72 hour hold. Her bff is there now and I feel tons better knowing he's there. When he first started stalking her my gut said that he's the possessive type that will kill her in the end. He's working at it it seems. Not necessarily with his hands around her neck but he's pushing every button to make her do it to herself. I wish this dude would just disappear out of her life. And I hope his wife finds out and has her way with him.

Third on my list of fun was a visit to the crotch doc. After 6 failed months on clomid it was time to go in for what to do next. I figured it would be iui like my friend is going through. Wrong. The only thing that I hadn't had done that she did a check of the tubes. There's 2 ways to do this. Through an xray test or through direct observation via surgery. The surgery is also good to find endometriosis. Well yours truly does have all the signs of it. I guess I'm having surgery. So next month I'll be scoped and will get a few days off of work :)

Happy fucking day. I give up.

Camp Highlights

2010-07-19T18:47:00.002-05:00

Camp started off with a bang. The trip to the campgrounds got to be too long so we stopped to have a beer along the way. When we got there it was time to get that new damn circus tent up. It took us awhile and it took many tries. We debated on how much of camp to set up knowing there was going to be rain. We stopped after the circus tent and the portapotty tent. Then it was time for drinking. A few beers in and then we got the first round of communications to hit the deck. Tornadoes were in the area so we hopped in a vehicle and drove up to the bar that was on grounds. We all had almost full beers so we stood under the awning thingy while we finished them. The rain rolled in and we had to run to the bar door in it. Talk about soaked! We drank through that storm and soon returned back to camp to debate our next move. I was tired as hell and pulled out my chair for an hour nap. The girls kept drinking while I slept. Not even 5 minutes after I woke up the next round of communications hit of tornadoes that were even closer than the first round. This time we finished our beers before piling into the vehicle and headed up to the bar. This time the girl just bellied into the bar. I peaked my head out the door and saw the green and the wall cloud. I checked it out for a bit and then the rain hit again. That storm was worse than the first. The girls kept drinking and we soon had one down. I made a conscious decision not to drink anymore that night with the shitty weather. That and I didn't want to throw up. The girls drank and finally we decided it was time to head back to camp.

We all piled in the vehicle and thank God there were no real public roads to deal with. As we made our way back into our rustic corner of the grounds, we came up the shittiest part of the week. The road was completely flooded over. Luckily the girls were plowed and we just drove like a mad woman through it. We made it back to camp and that wasn't in too rough of shape. We blew up and made the beds and deposited the most drunk ones in. The rest of us munched and heard another storm on its way. Go fucking figure, severe with 70 mph plus winds. It was a fuck it moment of lets just go to bed. I watched the tent bend and blow. The rain came down in buckets and dripped in the middle. The sides wicked the water onto the walls of our pods to make our bedding wet. I was the only one sober enough to give a shit. I just wanted sleep.

As the night went on, I felt the bed getting softer and softer. My bed partner rolling closer and closer. Damn mattress had a leak. Before I knew it my bed partner had me pinned me down. She ain't no tiny girl either. Her trying to get out to go to the bathroom was a nightmare.

Morning light rolled around and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. Liquids are ok on site. Other things need to be deposited elsewhere. I hopped into my car and hoped the flooding we saw the night before had passed. Wrong. It was worse. I had to throw it into reverse and use the pit toilets. I was not pleased to find they were full but I still went.

Hubby came and brought us wood supplies with the big truck. The water sucked. We were stuck in there. We didn't wait too long and we piled into a truck and traversed the water to get to the lake. I killed a bottle of wine in there and got a little plowed. Dinner was fantastic that night. Bacon wrapped Jack Daniels beef tenderloin. That was an early night.

Friday came with more beautiful weather. We packaged up early and headed to the lake. The beer went down quick. I got drunk quick. We ate lunch and I tried to sober up. No dice. After lunch I got back on a floatie and passed out. I was so glad I put on sunscreen before doing that. That night turned into a huge party that included truth or dare and lap dances. That lap dance was done by a pro. I got a bit turned on by it. Ok. A lot turned on. Everyone once again got a bit plowed. Lapdance lady was the worst. She blew chunks. My friend partied with the Captain and she passed out on her hammock by the fire.

Saturday morning was marked with bitter sweet end. There was going to be more rain that night. The camp owners offered to put us on a different site. They didn't recommend staying where we were with the flooded road and all. We made an executive decision that we didn't want to go home so we took the party to a hotel. My friend did not bounce back too well. She slept in her hammock while the rest of us tore down camp. It was nice to know that we didn't have to hurry and get home and go to work the next day. The owners were actually douches to us that day and pissed us off bad enough that we will never go back there. I kinda liked that place but not if they are going to be asses. Off to the hotel we went.

The hotel was like an oasis in a desert. I checked us in to our two rooms. We were suppose to get standard rooms with the reward points that I used. We walked into the rooms and were pleasantly surprised. They were suites! Quickly changed and headed to the pool. The warm water with no fish and chlorine was a welcome change. It got invaded by tweens so we went back to the rooms and took showers and put our party pants on. We ordered some fantastic local pizza and worked on the beer-a-mid. We played games and drank. Then we hit the birthday cake. That was it for me. Chocolate cake put me into a sugar coma and I had to sleep. It felt so good to sleep in a real bed with real clean sheets and down comforter and air conditioning. I slept great.

Sunday was check out and we slept in a little bit. Breakfast there was impossible due to the tween invasion with their families. We went to a place next door for a breakfast buffet that was killer. I ate my belly til it was stuffed and then went home. I napped all afternoon. I watched movies all evening. Exciting end to my vacation.

Going back to work today was hard. I can't wait til I have another vacation!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-07-18T16:25:00.002-05:00

It's my birthday today. It's also the beautiful Dana's birthday too. It must be a great day to be born. Wish I wasn't so wiped from Cooterfest otherwise I'd go celebrate with her!

As for Cooterfest, I'm just too flipping tired right now to recount the fun. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more human.

Until then, I accept cash, presents and full frontal nudity!

Twas The Night Before Vacation

2010-07-13T23:22:00.001-05:00

And all through the house. The kitties are stirring. There's no sign of a mouse. The car is packed up with all the shit and wares. Soon I'll be leaving but insomnia is there.

I've been toying around the though of doing a controvesial post or two on the immigration law in AZ and smoking bans. Maybe that will be good fodder for the drunk me. I have some strong feelings on this. I was trying to debate with the hubby tonight but it's hard to debate when you are on the same side.

Last camping trip's sun exposure is still torturing me. I'm peeling like a snake right now. I'll have to try and burn it back off again this week.I must say there is something fun about peeling skin off and not having it hurt. It's just wrong and gross but come on, y'all do it!

I'll be out bright and early tomorrow. We are meeting up at 9am to do the big grocery shop before heading to camp. That's early for me on a vacation day. The weather looks to be hot as hell but sunny except for tomorrow night. I'm crossing my fingers that the tornadoes and hail don't rain on our parade. That would be a shitty start to the weekend.

I'm closing in on the last few days of this year of life again. I am now accepting gifts in the form of money, gift certificates and baked goods. Sex toys would also be appreciated. We will be celebrating out at camp. I get the day off of all domestic camp duties. Lucky me!

I guess typing this out did make me a bit more tired. I better get my beauty rest. Beauty will go down the tubes real quick there.

Back To Nature

2010-07-11T16:19:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday I am leaving for what is historically known as a party that we know as Cooterfest. Highlights of past Cooterfests include me streaking from one end of the cabin to the other, one girl falling in and out of the tent every trip one night due to a tango with the Captain, twirling braids that ended up in a flying tiki torch, drunk paging superiors and not remembering, the prom formal night, and the every famous AC setting herself on fire.

The past year or so we have strayed from our roots with staying in actual buildings. We are going back to our roots this year and staying at a rustic campsite. The way it has always been done in previous years. We are sporting a new tent ( and not a penis made one!). It is suppose to hold 12 people. This is one hell of a tent I tell ya. We have to drive in 52 spikes in that tent alone. This doesn't include the screen tent or the "guest house." There are sleeping "pods" in this tent that we have named presidential suites. I've taken dibs on the Clinton Suite. Hope I don't get a stain in my nice clean expensive camping clothes! (Ok, those clothes will smell like death and look like a mud puddle by the time I get home.)

We have stayed at this campsite once before. I was pouring rain when we got there so we held up in the bar on site until it cleared. That wasn't pretty. Shots of apple pie and beers were going down too nice. We probably shouldn't have even drove from the bar to our campsite. (It was on grounds with a 5 mph speed limit so kiss off) That year was a fabulous time. It was the same time of year and I celebrated my birthday too. The only downfall of that trip was little did I know that I was getting demoted as soon as I went back to work. It was also during that camping trip that my phone let me "meet" a very special friend.

This year I'm bringing a new Cooter on probation. My neighbor friend who has turned out to be my twin is going to join us for the weekend. Better live it up while she can since she's going to be inseminated by the turkey baster next week. This should be a riot :)

I guess I better get back to washing my undies and getting packed!

I Survived!

2010-07-05T17:29:00.002-05:00

I am now safely tucked into the permanent 4 walls of the AC shack and happy to have a bathroom less than 50 feet from anywhere in the shack. That may be one of my biggest gripes with camping is the lack of crappers. It wouldn't be so bad if I can just drop my drawers and water the landscaping. This campsite had zero privacy. The trees were maybe 3 years old at best. The campsites were one on top of the other. There was no where to pee and not be seen. The bathroom wasn't too far but far enough to piss me off when my school girl bladder kicked in every night.

Saturday was a gorgeously sunny day. We played a little in river and then baked ourselves to a golden crab color. The fun for that afternoon was sitting on our phones shopping for a new camper. Hubby has had it with the pop up work and it is time to upgrade. I also was laying eggs. That was painful. Hubby drugged me up out of love.

Sunday was spent in an inner tube floating down the river. The trips were 2 hours at a clip and we did two. The sun was mainly hidden by clouds with the very sporadic shower. I didn't care about that. We were sitting in the middle of a river wet anyways! There's something so relaxing about floating down some water at a decent clip with a cooler full of beer and no need to get out to pee. The river was busy and there were tons of younger people out there just givin er hell with partying. I must be getting old or something. We just floated on by and had no desire to stop.

Sunday evening started the rain. There was no hangin out by the fire because it of it so it was fun in the camper time! I got my ass kicked playing Uno and got a damn good nap in. Most of the camp packed up and left that day. The ones who stayed that lived outside were at the bar on the grounds and that left me enough privacy to pee in the yard. Yay! That mad life so much nicer.

We ate awesome out there. Steak of some form all 3 nights. Breakfasts that kept the pork producers in business. And no lunches due to the other 2 meals. I heart sausage and bacon. That has been my latest cravings. I came home today and made more french toast and fried up all the left over bacon and sausages. Damn. I'm making myself hungry just typing about this.

I am also the poster child of why to use sunscreen. I've got pretty tough skin when it comes to the sun. I don't consider myself fair skinned or sensitive skinned. When I have time in the sun I want a tan. This weekend was no different. I should have, however, put some on sunscreen on my feet. The open areas of my water shoes have areas of bright skin in there now. If I didn't hate my toe nails so much I'd take a picture for you all to laugh at the design on my feet. It hurts like a bitch but it's my own damn fault. Even though it was cloudy while in the tubes, my shins got toasted. Every time I moved it felt like the skin was ripping. Woops! A little lotion on them today and that's all fixed. My chest also got it. That is starting to blister a bit. My backside on the other hand, is as white as a bleached sheet. For the fun of it, let's also add a million mosquito welts over these burns for a little variety.

I am Queen of the Rednecks! I really need to work on changing that...

Vacation Time!

2010-07-01T21:06:00.002-05:00

This is the night before I start my 4 day weekend. AC is packin up the ol campin shack and heading for the wilderness. Or something like that. We'll have electric and water and a crapper with a shower down the lane. I won't have air conditioning however. They are calling for 90's so just shoot me. There is some water attached to the campgrounds so I'm all over that. I spent tonight cleaning up the camper and getting things packed. I still haven't gone grocery shopping and my clothes are still in the washer.

This has been the craziest summer. I haven't had a summer like this in many years. I'm now out of the call rotation permanently. I feel like a human being again. I don't feel like a slave to my job. I can actually go out and camp and do things without the fear of getting my ass chewed. I'm really loving it.

I'm watching Boston Medical right now on ABC. It kinda reminds me of the days that I worked at a hospital. There are times that I miss it and there are times that I'm so glad I'm not in that environment. It also reminds me that I gave up my life dream to become a doctor. I remember being 5 years old and saying that I wanted to be a doctor. Instead, as I grew older I got to know the prices of a college education and knew there would be no way that I could do it. My parents had no means of helping me out. I could only work minimum wage jobs so much. Enter in at the ripe old age of 17 the future hubby. It wasn't just me anymore. I couldn't pick up and go live at a college. My dream was completely killed then. I always thought I could go to school that I did and then continue on. Being stuck in this area, I have no escape to pursue this dream. I'm too old now too to go through med school. If I were single I would possibly try it out. Someday I will continue my education. I made that promise to my grandpa on his deathbed. I need to keep it. I may pursue a different field but I do need to get a damn degree.

Back to this show! And my cat just farted.......

Rednecks and Pain

2010-06-27T20:13:00.002-05:00

I went to the local country music festival here this weekend with hubby. I really really did not want to go but I sucked it up because it was the wedding anniversary and I took one for the team. The camper was set up out there and I figured what the heck. Hubby picked me up after work on Friday so I didn't have to drive into the mess. The friends that were staying on the site too tried to kill me shortly after I go there. The bloody marys came out and I was lubed up in no time. We finally trudged into the grounds and I actually had fun! I was sooooo drunk that it was amusing to go from booth to booth. I even bought 3 Go Girls. If you don't know what this is, check it out HERE. I have to learn how to use it but it should be an interesting thing to have.

The drinking got the best of me that night. The night was cut a little early due to rain but that didn't stop us from partying a little more under the awning. It all spiraled downhill after that. I was beyond sick. I got very little sleep. This went well into the next day. I can now check off getting sick in a portapotty.

The rest of Saturday was spent recovering and relaxing. We made an awesome pizza in frying pan. I like that little trick now. Bacon and eggs made for a good dinner too. The music that night wasn't the best. I also froze my ass off. That was a first out there. I was so tired I even fell asleep between performers. Shortly after that we decided to call it a night.

The middle of the night I was woke up by the sounds of rain, thunder and hubby rummaging about the camper. It seems the camper sprung a leak. Not fun. I wanted to help but I couldn't stay awake long enough. The thunder was something impressive. It hurt my ears a few times. I thought I was dreaming but I guess it was real. The aftermath was something spectacular too. There was standing water all over the damn place. It was a holy mess to try and pack up. We packed up a lot the night before but there the camper needed to be popped back down. The lines of traffic were horrible and messy trying to get out. It took a couple of hours to leave the grounds. It was entertaining to see the poor people who got stuck in wetter campsites. There were still many that had ankle deep flooding in them. I have no clue how the hell they were going to get out.

I was sooooo happy to get home. I hadn't had a shower since Friday morning. I was filthy. I almost did the repeat of lather, rinse, repeat. I guess I'll get it again in the morning. After my shower was a nap of epic proportions. It was about 4 hours long. I was out hard! I had to get up and finish making dinner and that was painful as hell. I had to have a cup of coffee. It wasn't only to wake up but I had not had any caffeine today. I was a bonehead and I didn't pack the camper with any of my staples. I have a week to get the thing ready for next weekend. I have more camping to do.

There were so many rednecks at this thing than I care to think about. There were more Confederate flags flying than in all the south! Dumbass rednecks. The drunkenness was something impressive. There had to have been about 30,000 drunk people there every night. The price of drinks weren't all that horrible. A refill of a double shot mixer in their cups was only $8. It was cheaper to do that than beer! I did pay in the end though.

I'm ready for another nap here! Hope y'all had a great weekend!

Happy Fathers Day!!!

2010-06-20T06:19:00.000-05:00

I am friends with many guys out here and all of them have children. They take the time to do things with their kids. They go to their sports games, they take them on outings, they participate and offer advice in every aspect of their children's lives.

My dad didn't do much of this. It was all work and that was about it. No attendance at sports. No reading books at night. He provided for his family and made sure the house wasn't in disrepair. As I've gotten older that has changed. We golf. He comes help on my house. He loves when my mother goes to my sister so he can spend the night at my house. He had an awakening about 25 years late but I'll take it.

Here's to the dads who actually are dads. Not the guys who send a check to their baby mama and never see their kids. Those guys are just sperm donors. The men who man up and take care of their kids through thick and thin deserve a round of applause.

Now dads, go grab a beer, sit down in your favorite spot and nap and scratch yourself into happiness :)

FRAUD!!!

2010-06-17T20:47:00.003-05:00

I got an email from one of my credit card companies the other day stating to give them a call due to suspicious activity. I got it while I was on the road and didn't think too much of it. I've already had my debit card canceled a few times for legitimate activity while I was on the road but it tripped their flags. I figured this was the case again.

I went to use this card tonight to buy dinner and it was declined. Alright. Game on.

I got home and called into the customer service line because I don't trust emails with phone numbers to call about financial shit. The nice foreign lady stated that there was a charge flagged by the fraud sensors.

I'm thinking yadda yadda yadda.

"$300 to Sunco, declined"

Woah. What day? Where? Um. Not me. Not on that day. Hell, we don't even have those here! We went through all the other charges that were odds and ends for gas and meals that were mine but that Sunco one has me. I'm very glad they declined it.

So now my account is closed and I will be issued a new card and will have to wait to get it before I can sign up for online account access and use that card again. Small price to pay for some fucktard trying to use my account.

Home Again

2010-06-16T17:56:00.002-05:00

I was out Monday night for work and usually I really enjoy my nights in a hotel room. This one I didn't. I was sick as shit. The whole place was spinning. I laid down and that made it worse. I went and got some drugs and all that did was put me to sleep. Sleep, however, was very hard. When I laid down the room spun like I went on a bender and I didn't touch a drop. I'm still not 100% better but laying down isn't so scary.

There's only a few days before this damn party. I'm not going to be doing much until Friday for it. Hubby keeps on making new messes in the house and tracking in a whole bunch of dirt so the hell with it.

I'm so ready for a vacation. I find myself not giving a shit at work. I'm just killing time til the next crisis. I'm looking forward to my camping trip. I would love a luxury resort with a pool and a cabana boy. I was looking through some old pics and found a file from my trip to Mexico a few years ago with my friends. That was an awesome time. It was in the dead of winter and it was a nice getaway. It was after I left one job to go full time at another. I was hopeful and it was a great trip of beauty and relaxation. I want that again.

This month has officially busted on the baby front. I'll take my short mourn and then get hopeful for next month again. Maybe I should get a coach on how this works. Any takers?

I'm going to go rummage for dinner now. Fun. Fun. Fun.

Attack of the Dust Bunnies

2010-06-12T22:59:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how big of a shit hole this house is. I am sick that I actually live in it. This is night number 2 of cleaning for the big party next weekend. The house has basically been to myself since hubby is working on the garage. I'm so excited that we don't need to plug it into the house anymore! So far I've tackled 3 rooms. I guess you could call it spring cleaning a couple of months late. I'm excited to have a clean house and I'm going to try harder to keep it this way. I wish I had a neat freak personality. Instead I was blessed with a bug up my ass personality. Every so often I get the bug up my ass to clean up. Boredom usually does the best job. I guess I don't get bored at home often enough.

I'll admit to the biggest thing that grosses me out. It's not spiders or bodily excrements. It's wet hair that's not attached to a body. Instant hurl. I came across a little area of hair in the bathroom while wiping the floor last night. I instantly started yacking. I admire the hair dressers who are covered in shedded hair. I'd need a puke bag attached to my face for that.

The beer is going down very good tonight. I broke that case that it was in so I figured I better start drinking it. That leads me into the next point of it's another failed month. Fuck. What the hell am I doing so wrong? Insert tab A into slot B right? I've decided I'm going to start saving my expense checks to put towards IUI. Which states cover fertility treatments? I may need to make a temporary move.

We got word this week that our health insurance is changing as of July 1. I must say we were spoiled with what we have now. It was a zero deductible, co pay for doctor visits and ER visits. Everything else was covered 100%. It was sweet. Now we are changing to a plan that has a $3000 deductible and then it kicks into 100%. 100% out of pocket until the $3000 is met. This sucks. I am thankful I have something. The whole point was to save money because the premiums were going to go up 20%. This plan saves money. About $30 a month. I'd rather stay with the old plan for a little more.

Back to my beer and maybe a nap :)

Randomness

2010-06-10T21:06:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here in a utopia of a chocolate malt root beer float with Two and A Half Men on my tv and a belly full of king crab. Hubby just went to bed before work. I'm almost ready for bed myself. I just have some random shit floating in the ol noodle.

First of all is health insurance. I've had a pretty sweet plan for the past few years. That is all coming to a crashing end. I went from copays for doctor/ER visits with 100% coverage for everything else to now having a deductible the size of my credit limit and then have it hit 100% after that. I still have hubby's insurance as a secondary now and somehow gotta figure out how that shit works. Here's to insurance companies jacking up rates and to cost savings by the employer!

I'll be the first to admit, I have a crab addiction lately. At least once a week I've been cracking into those delicious devils. I must have a deficiency of something. I'm a firm believer that cravings happen because the body is lacking something. I'm not real sure what crab supplies but damn, I can't kick this!

I listened to a clip of our fearless president talking about the oil leakers. He actually used the line of "who's ass to kick." I'm happy there is a guy who says it like it is. On the other hand, I swear our country is turning into the society in "Idocracy." I highly recommend that flick. Once you get past some of the cheesiness, it is scary how our society is slipping into this kind of mindset.

Nothing real new on the baby front. I'm in that waiting time of too early to pee on a stick but going bat shit crazy waiting. My gut feeling is is that this month is another failure. I have no signs of the hitchhiker and my hopes are being deflated. I finally had it out with my mother and clued her in. She basically had figured out we were trying but I wouldn't confirm or deny. Once that she started talking if nothing happens by winter to then maybe try some drugs. I'd had it. I laid it on the line how this is my 5th round of treatment and my time clock is running out. She made me feel oh so much better by telling me that all the women on both sides of the family just had to stand in a room with a guy with their pants off and that's all they needed to get pregnant. Thanks for making me feel like the family freak, Mom. My friend who is going through the whole clomid thing too got told that it isn't going to happen like this and it's time to go to the next step of intrauterine.......IUI....or turkey baster of washed swimmers shot up the cooter hole. It's not a pricey as IVF but it's still a chunk of change. I'll be staring down this road after a month. I should put up a donation button on here when that day comes. Between the effing insurance and the price of that, I'm fucking broke.

I've got a upcoming party a week from Saturday. Hubby's birthday. He wants a big party. I hate throwing parties. I hate having people invade my shithole and silently judge me. I'm not the most meticulous housekeeper. I have no desire or time to be a neat freak. This is going to be a weekend spent cleaning my ass off.

I think that is all for now. I'm pretty drowsy and I'm going to hit the hay.....

End Of The Holiday Weekend

2010-05-31T20:55:00.002-05:00

I made sure I took time to reflect upon the men and women who have given their lives for me to be able to have a 3 day weekend and live without fear year round. I spent time with veterans who are pretty close to meeting back up with their friends that gave their life in service to our country.

I was on call all weekend, too. Well, actually since since last Monday. That kept me moving a bit. It also relieved me of some of the yard duty. The yard has been officially destroyed. A fence went up. The neighbors I think got the hint. I now have a raised garden bed. I also have the landscaping beds in front of my house ready to go and have wild flower rolls planted in them. My yard is not what I'm used to anymore. It's more cozy and I think once there is grass growing I will be more likely to just go hang out there.

This weekend also marks the go time of another month of trying for a hitchhiker. It has not been a fun day today. Stabbing pain. Pressure. More pressure. I am so thankful the crotch doc hooked me up with some pain killers last month. That in turn made me sleep most of the afternoon. I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I should wear real pants but I don't think that's going to happen.

I will try to take some pictures of the progress of the yard this week. It is completely different!

TFLN That Pissed Me Off

2010-05-28T18:41:00.001-05:00

I was just reading Texts From Last night when I came across this:

(337): i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

This makes me so fucking pissed. This coke headed bitch probably got knocked up without even wanting a kid. Now all she cares about is getting it out so she can fuck herself up even more!?!

Here I am, staying clean, wanting a kid and karma is bitch slapping me in the face. Maybe that dumb box would sell me har kid for a couple rocks.

End of rant.

It's a Mess!

2010-05-27T21:04:00.004-05:00

This is what I came home to today. What a freakin mess!!

Hubby is running a new electric service to the garage. He also pulled out the stumps of the couple of trees. This destruction wasn't suppose to happen for a couple of days yet.

Otherwise, life has been boring. I don't have much to say that's interesting. Get up. Go to work. Have blood pressure rise. Come home. Make dinner. Watch tv. Go to bed. Repeat. Exciting huh?

I should get back to my tv. It might get lonely without me.

Same Ol Same Ol

2010-05-22T10:31:00.002-05:00

I really have not had much going on here. The drugs have been driving me insane. Work has been boring. The weather has been nice.

I did go out for fondue this week with the girls. It was a very nice night out with them. I can't wait til camping in July. Did find out, however, the Cooter that I was comparing the 2 schools of health on trying to get pregnant back here was actually pregnant at that outing. She lost the baby on Mother's Day though. My poor girl. She's still not done with the miscarriage. Then she needs to have more tests to see what the inside of her baby house is made. That was most likely the reason she lost this pregnancy. I love that girl. I've been friends with her from the time where she refused to ever have children to now. I guess we are all growing up and growing old.

I'm excited for my plans for this weekend. I'm going to clean and mow the lawn the today and go grocery shopping. Yes. I'm happy to go grocery shopping. I've needed to go for a couple of weeks now and it's a bitch trying to figure out what to make for dinner with nothing here. I'm looking forward to mowing the lawn because it's bright and sunny and I can try and catch some sun!

I should really get going and clean up the kitchen hell before heading outside :)

Rough Week

2010-05-15T11:57:00.002-05:00

This week flew buy with tons of pain and suffering. The bosses took me out for drinks on Wednesday. It was the official end to a failed month of trying and I was not in the best frame of mind for drinking because of that. There were shots and beer flowing and we were having a great time. I even got the official ok to be taken off a call when we find someone to hire to cover it. I am so excited for that! I'd have a human life! The night went downhill after that. I ended up walking around the yard for over an hour after I got home feeding the squirrels. I eventually passed out in some serious rough shape. I had to go to work the next day. They taught me years ago that if I want to run with the big dogs I better do what the big dogs do and that is get your ass up and make it to work ontime. I really should have said fuck it. Throwing up in the car when you hit the parking lot is not a good thing. I was just a pile of bar rag smelling dog shit in my corner. It took me most of the morning to come around but never came around completely. Luckily after I told the bosses that I fucking hate their ass(exact words btw) they left me to my own misery.

I did get a good night of sleep Thursday night and felt fresh as a daisy going in on Friday. Boss decided to give me a late afternoon ass chewing/chat so I was late as hell getting out of there. I didn't want to be late because I had poker to play! The damn peer pressure made me crack a beer. I guess it helped. Poker was looking pretty bleak for me. I then got a hand with a 6 of hearts and a 9 of hearts with half nekkid chicks on them. I figured that had to be a sign. It was a damn good sign. I ended up with a flush. Two of the guys went all in on that hand. I knocked both of them out at once. I think that was a first. The game ended up with the only 2 women there winning the pot. I technically took first. We played another round and I started falling asleep at the table so they had me drink a Captain and Pepsi. I have not had one of those in many many many years. Me and the Captain fought one night and I hadn't invited him since. A few sips and I felt like dog shit. Luckily that hand went quick and I bolted home to bed. I just really need to quit drinking for a bit. I still don't feel 100%.

Today involves demolition of trees in the yard. I have a huge crab apple and a huge pear tree in the back yard. They need to go. They are both the prettiest trees in the spring. Beyond that the mess is just unbearable. My car looks like a princess-mobile with all the flower petals stuck to it. Then the apples stick. The pears cover the ground when they fall off and just make a big ol mess. Today they are going. I better get my nap in before the boys get back.

No Cancer! Yay!

2010-05-10T19:03:00.002-05:00

I finally got off my ass last week and went to a dermatologist to have some moles looked at. My grandma had skin cancer so there is a family history. Also, let's face it, I love my sun. I love the natural and the fake. I've had burns so bad that I blistered and stuck to my clothing. (Note to share: Do not take a nap on Daytona Beach in the middle of August) I'm one of those sun worshiping people who bronze up and retain that color for an extended period of time. Being pasty puts me in a bad mood.

I guess I had a couple on my back that were questionable. They scraped the top off and plunked a bandaid on it and I was on my way. The more I waited, the more I was concerned that there was something there. It would be my luck.

I got the phone call today that they were negative. There were some semi abnormal cells but nothing to worry about. If the moles come back they'll actually dig them out. I am relieved. That would suck. I am glad I did finally suck it up and got them checked out.

Happy Mothers Day!

2010-05-09T09:04:00.002-05:00

Happy Mothers Day to all those wonderful ladies who have been blessed with children!

I'm going to stop there. I'm not really happy. My pity party that I'm throwing myself is selfish but I don't care.

Have a great day!

Paranormal Activity

2010-05-04T20:12:00.002-05:00

I'm a firm believer that my deceased family members do watch over us and know everything that is going on in our lives. Shortly after my grandma died there was a brown butterfly that started hanging around the house. There was never a brown butterfly like that around our house that we've seen like that. It seems when there were family gatherings or moments of self reflection in the outdoors, that brown butterfly would appear. I am a firm believer that is my grandma telling me that she's still here for me.

Earlier this evening I was checking out the flowers in the yard. My bleeding heart is starting to have hearts. It is one of my favorite plants in the yard. As I was looking a brown butterfly came flitting up. It landed on the ground and hung out there for a bit. It flew around a little and landed again in my sight. I knew it was Grandma. I got the warm fuzzies.

Little did I know the danger that was to come.

We had a small line of storms blow up and barrel towards my area. I figured it would be a good storm and that's it. As it was approaching I heard the tornado sirens start going off. I went into full on information mode to try and figure out what the hell was going on. It seems there was a tornado due west of me on a westerly moving storm. It was about 10 miles away. I started to debate what to do. I eventually lured the cats into the basement and then decided that my happy ass should go there too. All the news stations were saying for my area to get to cover. The storm was dangerous and strong and spawning tornadoes. There was a tornado to the west. A tornado about 5 miles south. A tornado about 5 miles north of me. And then a tornado about 10 miles east of me.

What did I get?

Just a little bit of rain. No wind. Really nothing. I'm believing that Grandma kept me safe. It seems that where ever I am, the tornadoes and storms go either north or south but never where I am. I may move and then the storms hit there but never where I am currently living. She keeps me safe. Thank you Grandma. I love you.

That Time of Year

2010-05-02T11:28:00.003-05:00

Tis that time of year where I start questioning just why the fuck did I get married. I see and hear about other couples that spend the weekend working out in the yard or cleaning up the house together. Me? That is a special occasion. None of my projects get done around the house the house in less than 2 years. Everybody else always has the hand of the hubby. When it is time for my projects, then guess who's here to help?

It's also farm work time. I know that eventually I will be owning that thing and it's what brings sanity to the hubby. I just can't seem to help feeling a bit selfish of there is shit that needs to be done around here.

I'll say that I wasn't the most pleasant person this morning before he left. I demanded the check book and really wasn't all that sweet. I'm sure I'll blow up at him when he gets home. This is now count number 2 for the weekend where he pissed me off beyond belief. I must be pms-ing. I'd say maybe it's baby on board but why would I get that satisfaction? I'm not that lucky.

I'm A Bonehead

2010-04-27T19:16:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to share this story for awhile now but keep forgetting to type it out!

A few weeks ago I had the itch and need to find some new dress pants and jeans since my belly is turning into a major buddha. I don't have that much disposable money right now and really do not feel like spending $50 on a pair of pants. I decided that I'd do the community some good and hit up the local Goodwill stores. I've donated some nice stuff to them and I've seen some nice stuff there so this was the first time I went on a mission for clothes there.

For dress pants, I hit the jackpot. A $100 pair of pants with the tags on for $20. I also found some other cute pants and they all fit. I just need some jeans. That was tougher, my friends. There was hardly anything in my fat ass size and the shit that was there was Walmart brand. I've never had luck with Walmart brand jeans because the zipper always unzips for no reason on me. At the second Goodwill I came across a pair of jeans that were the brand that I buy and the size I was looking for. I scored!

I thought I had a great find until later in the week I put the jeans on and had an epiphany. About six months ago I donated a few bags to Goodwill and I remember putting a pair of jeans with the tags on in there because they were a tall cut and were too long in the leg so I never really wore them. Same brand. Same size. When I put the jeans on the legs were a bit long. I checked the tag and they were talls.

Yes, my friends, I bought a pair of jeans from Goodwill that I donated a few months ago. I'm a bonehead.

I'm A Pussy

2010-04-26T18:33:00.002-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter you'd know I've been in tons of pain over the past couple of days due to egg layin. I just about lost it I was so uncomfortable yesterday and this morning. I decided to call the doctor to see what I could do. All my normal stuff I thought would be out of the question like heating pad and advil. I was right. Those are banned. They did, however, want me to come in for an ultrasound.

For all you ladies who have had a pelvic ultrasound then you'll know what I went through. You have to drink a butt load of water before heading so you have a full bladder for the scan. My bladder decided fill up super fast. Add that onto being bloated and it was a recipe for disaster. Somehow I survived without any incident. It was interesting to see the static on the screen and deciphering the various parts. I didn't see anything that looked like a beating heart but I did see some pretty large cysts.

I met with the doctor right away after and the official diagnosis was suck it up buttercup. Great.

I did get some drugs for pain though. I should really go pick them up....